Self-Evident Truths About Pets

  • Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
  • Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
  • Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
  • Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
  • Dogs shed, cats shred.
  • I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
  • No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
  • Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
  • People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.
  • We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
  • Women and cats will do as they please … men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
  • When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

42 Ways to Get Power from Your Hamster

  1. Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
  2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere’s butt. Creates static electricity.
  3. Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
  4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a trampoline.
  5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
  6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
  7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
  8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
  9. Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
  10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
  11. Convince hamsters they’re really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
  12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
  13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
  14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
  15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
  16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
  17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
  18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new version of Windows NT at the same time.
  19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
  20. Have hamster steal one of kube’s magic cards. Leech power from resulting nuclear strike.
  21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they’re at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
  22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
  23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO’s pants unless he gives you a power plant.
  24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog sled.
  25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the hamster with an equal mass of antimatter — a anti-hamster if you will. Then harness the massive energy release for power….
  26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
  27.  a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
     b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they’re smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
     c. Feed the hamsters.
     d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
     e. Periodically drain off the voltage.

    Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.

    P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae as well, and you wouldn’t even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some phosphorous and iron and stuff)

  28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
  29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
  30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he’ll find some way to yeild 20% more power from the dilithium crystals.
  31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit — when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
  32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda’s ass. Then when they turn red & embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
  33. Ammass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radioation to electricity.
  34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova… you couldn’t want any more energy than that…
  35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters… spin the resulting neutron-hamsters around each other in a binary orbit… use gravity waves to rotate hydro-turbine.
  36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_ electricity. (Well, they’ve got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire hamsters however you choose; “operationally”, you’ve now got electricity. (I say “five or six hits”, because I find that things which were perfectly clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word “Krups” is actually an make onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice, make absolutely no sense afterwards; and Leary used to take five hits or so. QED.)
  37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
  38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy conversion scheme of your choice.
  39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti- matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
  40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated energy.
  41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai, _Adv. Quan. Mech._
  42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static electricty.

Animal Thoughts

Animals have the darndest thoughts.

  • Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”
  • Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”
  • Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”
  • Goldfish: “The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!”
  • Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!”
  • Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”
  • Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!”

The Rainbow Bridge

Just this side of Heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here,
that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends
so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food and water and sunshine,
and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor;
those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again,
just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing:
they miss someone very special to them;
who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together,
but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance.
The bright eyes are intent;
the eager body quivers.
Suddenly he begins to break away from the group,
flying over the green grass,
his legs carrying him faster and faster.
YOU have been spotted,
and when you and your special friend finally meet,
you cling together in joyous reunion,
never to be parted again.
The happy kisses rain upon your face;
your hands again caress the beloved head,
and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet,
so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together…….

Attributed to Paul C. Dahm
Dedicated to Gizmo, Stasiek, and all of the other 4 legged loves that have touched my life. You are not forgotten.