- So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
- I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
- God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
- If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
- My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
- (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah!
- (On the back of a Harley-rider) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
- I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
- What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About?
- (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
- I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
- Liberal Arts Major…Will Think For Money
- IRS – Be Audit You Can Be
- Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
- Coffee, Chocolate, Men…Some Things Are Just Better Rich
- Gravity… It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s The Law.
- If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen
- In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s The Risk You Take.
- First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order.
- I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
More Great T-Shirt Slogans
- “Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
- “Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam” – seen on Cape Cod
- “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” – seen on an 8 year old
- “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
- “Procrastinate Now”
- “Rehab Is for Quitters”
- “My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse – He Couldn’t Do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
- “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
- “Real Men Don’t Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair”
- “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts — Do You Want Fries With That?”
- “Party — My Crib – Two A.M.” – Made up to look like an invitation on a baby-size shirt
- “If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
- “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.”
- “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
- “Filthy, Stinking, Rich — Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
- “A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
- “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
- “STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
- “Where there’s a will I want to be in it”
- “How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?”
- “He who dies with the most toys is still dead”
- “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
- “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
- “HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”
- “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
- “IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?”
- “Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.”
- “MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
- “Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.”
- “Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
- “NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.”
- “Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”
T-Shirts For Women Who Take No Crap
- I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.
- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.
- Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
- I’m multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.
- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
- Don’t tick me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
- I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.
- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
- I hate everybody, and you’re next.
- Please don’t make me kill you.
- And your point is…
- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.
- All stressed out and no one to choke.
- I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.
- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
- Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- A day without sunshine is like, night.
- On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
- You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
- I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
- Honk if you love peace and quiet.
- Remember half the people you know are below average.
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I intend to live forever – so far so good.
- Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
- Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No one is listening until you make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
- The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
- Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
- Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
- Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
- Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
- If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
- How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
- If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
Fortune Cookies You’ll Never See
- “Virgin like balloon … one prick, all gone.”
- “Baseball wrong … man with four balls cannot walk!”
- “Work to become, not to acquire.”
- “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
- “Ok for shit to happen … will decompose.”
- “Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
- “It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
- “Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
- “Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
- “Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
- “Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
- “Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
- “War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”
- “Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.”
- “Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”
- “Passionate kiss like spider web — lead to undoing of fly.”
- “Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”
- “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night”
- “Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
- “Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”
Thoughts to Ponder
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
- If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
Oxymorons
Did you ever wonder why people say….?
- advanced basic airline food (also: junk food, hospital food)
- alone together
- amateur expert
- baby grand (piano)
- black light
- Brief survey
- civil war
- Congressional ethics
- criminal justice
- crisis management
- Deafening silence
- Death Benefits
- divorce court
- down escalator
- dry wine
- elementary calculus
- evaporated milk
- extra time
- fast idle
- flexible freeze (economics)
- freezer burn
- fresh frozen
- friendly argument
- gourmet pizza
- governmental efficiency
- great depression
- guest host
- half full (also half empty)
- Honest Crook
- hopelessly optimistic
- idiot savant
- industrial park
- irate patient
- jumbo shrimp
- Lean pork
- Light-Heavyweight
- live recording
- mandatory option
- marijuana initiative
- Medium Large
- Mild Abrasive
- minor disaster
- Mobil station
- No-good Do-gooder!
- non-stop flight
- old news
- Organized mess
- original copy
- partially completed
- passive agression
- peacekeeper missile
- perfect idiot
- plastic glasses
- pretty ugly
- random logic (fuzzy logic)
- rap music
- Renegade Lawmakers (from CNN during the battle in Moscow.)
- scheduled spontaneity (From a Franklin time management class.)
- Second Best
- singular relationship
- standard deviation
- student teacher
- sure bet
- sweet sorrow
- terribly nice
- Turbo Diesel
- unacceptable solution
- work party
- working vacation
Not So Deep Thoughts
- I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
- When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
- It was all so different before everything changed.
- Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.
- Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be.
- I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
- It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
New Phobias
- Shrinkaphobia
“Hey, this is a nude beach. I ain’t getting in that cold water!” - Carmenelectraphobia
“Get that *(^%#*# vodka bottle away from me!!” - Oldfartophobia
“He’s coming straight for us–with his left turn signal on!” - Windophobia
“You have to push ‘Start’ to turn the damn computer off?!” - ThetaFetaMetaBetaphobia
“I won’t go to your frat house to eat gyros and watch a tape of the Israel Philharmonic Orchestra on your old Sony VCR!” - Buttcrackaphobia
“No!! Don’t call the plumber!!!” - Phoebephobia
“No, I don’t want to watch ‘Friends.’ That blonde chick freaks me out.” - Probeophobia
“Um, Doctor, why are you putting on that rubber glove?” - Rentanotherpornophobia
“You’re busy Saturday? Well, how about next weekend then?” - Homophobophobia
“It’s NOT my imagination! Senator Helms is looking at me “that” way again!” - Smallpenisphobia
“Honey, I bought a Corvette!”
Signs
- In a health food shop window: Closed due to illness.
- In an office: After the coffee break, staff should empty the pot and stand upside down on the draining board.
- On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
- Seen during a conference: For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
- In a laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
- Message on a leaflet: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
- On a repair shop door: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesn’t work)
- Spotted in a safari park: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
- In a London department store: Bargain Basement Upstairs
- Notice in a dry cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
- Outside a second-hand shop: We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
- Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
- Also in an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
- Notice in a field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
- Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned… By order of the District Council.