• Money doesn’t bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
• Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
• Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
• Misers aren’t much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
• Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
• The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.
• A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
• Money isn’t everything….there’s credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
• Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
• A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor’s.
• A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
• If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re never lost.
• Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
• You are Worthy.
• Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself to others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
• To not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
• Do not take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
• Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future.
• By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
• Do not give up when you still have something to give.
• Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
• It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other. Do not be afraid to encounter risks.
• It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
• Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find.
• The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
• The fastest way to lose love is too hold it too tightly;
• In addition, the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
• Do not dismiss your dreams. To be without dreams is to be without hope; To be without hope is to be without purpose.
• Do not run through life so fast that you forget not only where you have been, but also where you are going. Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each step of the way.

• Indecision is the key to flexibility.
• There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
• If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
• All things equal, fat people use more soap.
• You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
• Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
• This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
• There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
• By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
• Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
• Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
• Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
• The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
• The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
• The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
• No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
• Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
• Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
• The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
• Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
• Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
• Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
• It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
• I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
• To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
• If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
• If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
• One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
• The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone – “to relax,” I told myself – but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunch time so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”.

Things weren’t going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, “Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.” This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

“It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver. “You think as much as college professors, and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I’d had enough. “I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors… they didn’t open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker’s Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed… easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

• Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Do you need a silencer if you’re going to shoot a mime?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
• If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
• If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
• If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
• If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
• You know how most packages say, “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”.
• Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
• Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
• You know the little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
• Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
• Why are they called jumbo shrimp?

• I can hold my own. But I’d rather hold yours.
• I love oral sex; it’s the phone bill I hate.
• Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
• The reason we can’t take it with us is because it goes before we do.
• MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL — send $9.95 for more info
• Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on!
• Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
• Synonym: A word you can use when you can’t spell the other one.

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
• I must always remember that I’m unique, just like everyone else.
• Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
• If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
• How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
• If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what is a fog horn made of?
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say, “Quit while you’re ahead”?!
• If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
• I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
• What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
• What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
• When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever – so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist – they don’t expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap – rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
• The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
• Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
• You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
• Two wrongs are only the beginning.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
• Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
• Plan to be spontaneous – tomorrow.
• Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
• If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
• How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
• Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
• If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.

• Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How do I set my laser printer on stun?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
• If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
• If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
• If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “asteroids”?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• What happens when none of your bees wax?
• Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

• I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
• When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
• The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
• It was all so different before everything changed.
• Some days you’re the dog, some days the hydrant.
• Nostalgia isn’t what is used to be.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop at the end.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• There are two kinds of pedestrians…the quick and the dead.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Being healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.