A Story About Adam and Eve

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam’s,
One covered Eve’s.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve’s treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve’s eyes,
As Adam’s thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam’s thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve’s treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn’t let loose,
Until Adam’s thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I’m in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

Anticipation

He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms….
And then he stuffed the turkey.

(some of you have SUCH dirty minds!)

America

I come for visit, get treated regal

So I stay, who care illegal?

Cross the border, poor and broke

Take the bus, see Customs bloke,

Nice man treat me good in there,

Say I need to see Welfare.

Welfare say, “Come down no more,

we send you cash right to your door.”

Welfare checks they make you wealthy,

Medi-Cal it keep you healthy.

By and by, I got plenty money,

Thanks, American Working Dummy!

Write to friends in motherland,

Tell them come as fast as can.

They come in rags and Chebby trucks,

I buy big house with welfare bucks.

They all come, we live together,

some say they no like the weather.

Fourteen families all move in,

Neighbor’s patience growing thin.

Finally white guy moves away,

I buy his house and then I say,

“Find more aliens”, house I rent

in the garden I put a tent.

Send for family, they just trash

but they all draw more welfare cash.

Everything is mucho good,

soon we own the neighborhood.

We have hobby, it’s called breeding.

Welfare pay for baby feeding.

Kids need Dentist? Wife need pills?

We get free, we got no bills.

American crazy, he pay all year

to keep his welfare running here.

We think America damn good place,

too damn good for white man race.

If they no like us, they can go…

got lots of room in Mexico.

A 90s Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
from the nightstand, buttons beep.
PC all set to download a file
and send the mail in a little while.
Then gather the news before the dawn
and all the scores from fans long gone.

The AC is set to cut back on cool;
Lights to blink, the burglars to fool.
Alarm clock set on delayed shutoff;
CD to play some, then cutoff.
Sleep-maker set on medium tension,
Voice mail set on no-wake suspension.

Burglar alarm on delay activate;
Carport lite on, for son who’s late.
Mr. Coffee all set to percolate;
Dishwasher to run at ten of eight.
Air purifier cleans each hour tonite;
Water filter to fill the tank just right.

VCR to tape three good shows,
Something to watch during winter snows.
Motion detectors on, to check what moves;
White noise machine set to seaside soothes.
Camcorder is ready to film in a flash
Blender’s all set, the fruit to mash.

Lord, Bless our all-electric domain;
Keep lightning away if it should rain.
Let no errant shock reset it all;
Watch over the breaker box in the hall.
I’m wide awake now from all this hassle;
God bless our multi-megawatt castle.

Ten Civil Servants

Ten civil servants standing in a line,
One of them was downsized – then there were nine.

Nine civil servants who must negotiate,
One joined the union – then there were eight.

Eight civil servants thought they were in heaven,
‘Til one of them was redeployed – then there were seven.

Seven civil servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
But one was reclassified – then there were six.

Six civil servants trying to survive,
One of them was privatized – then there were five.

Five civil servants ready to give more,
But one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four civil servants full of loyalty,
Their jobs were all advertised – then there were three.

Three civil servants under review,
One left on secondment – then there were two.

Two civil servants coping on the run,
One went on stress leave – then there was one.

The last civil servant agreed to relocate,
Replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

Why Ask Why?

  • Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
  • Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Do you need a silencer if you’re going to shoot a mime?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
  • If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  • If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • You know how most packages say, “Open here”. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”.
  • Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
  • You know the little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same material?
  • Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  • Why are they called jumbo shrimp?

What?!?

  • I can hold my own. But I’d rather hold yours.
  • I love oral sex; it’s the phone bill I hate.
  • Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  • The reason we can’t take it with us is because it goes before we do.
  • MONEY IS THE ROOT TO ALL EVIL — send $9.95 for more info
  • Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on!
  • Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?
  • Synonym: A word you can use when you can’t spell the other one.

Hmmmmmm…

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station…
  • I must always remember that I’m unique, just like everyone else.
  • Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
  • If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
  • I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  • How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  • How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?
  • If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what is a fog horn made of?
  • If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say, “Quit while you’re ahead”?!
  • If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?
  • I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.
  • What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
  • What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
  • When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
  • When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Some Twisted Sayings

  • Dyslexics have more fnu
  • Clones are people, two
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be
  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  • Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
  • Eschew obfuscation
  • 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  • Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Editing is a rewording activity
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure
  • My reality check just bounced
  • Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
  • No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway
  • Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!
  • IRS – Be audit you can be