Cyberwocky

Posted on by
(With Apologies to Lewis Carroll)

‘Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

“Beware the Internet, my son!
The posts that spam, the speech that’s free!
Beware the Netscape cache, and shun
The AOL mail id!'”

He took his HP mouse in hand.
Long time a higher bandwidth sought —
And wished had he for his old PC
A faster modem bought.

And, as that wistful thought he gripped,
The Internet, with bait of flame,
Ran applets through the Javascript,
And mailbombed as it came!

The war he waged! As on each page
The HP mouse he double-clicked!
And ’twas absurd, the hype he’d heard
‘Bout sites that he had picked.

“And, hast thou surfed the Internet?
Come link my page, my newbie bud!
O Lycos night! Yahoo! Excite!”
He messaged on his MUD.

‘Twas e-mail, and the ftp
Did route and telnet to the node.
All rlogin to Xterms free
To let gopher download.

by Mike “Hammerwocky” Hammond

Cyber Nursery Rhymes

Posted on by

Mother McGee went to drive C:
to find her poor Windows a byte
But, when she enquired, all drive space expired
And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she’s fond of a Mac
and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
Then part interest in a computer store.

Clones

Posted on by

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was slightly grey.
It didn’t have a father,
Just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,
Though the ovum was on loan.
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,
And soon it had some more.
It made the children laugh and sing,
The teachers found it droll;
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn’t vary,
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,
Those scientists unwary.
One problem solved, but what to do
With Mary, Mary, Mary?

Clone of My Own

Posted on by
(To the tune of “Home on the Range”)

Oh, give me a clone,
With the genes like my own,
But convert my Y to an X.
And since she’s like me,
It’s a sure certainty,
That she’ll think of nothing but sex.

(Chorus)

Clone, clone of my own,
Who’s always eager to play,
Means we’ll have great fun,
And I’ll only need one,
So please get her started today.

As long as you’re mixing,
Some genes could use fixing,
To make her the best she can be.
Blond hair and blue eyes,
And a skinnier size,
And an IQ a bit less than me.

(chorus)

Please send me my clone,
Just as soon as she’s grown,
Past the virtual age of eighteen.
I’m tired of dating,
And eagerly waiting,
To make it on the cloning scene.

(chorus)

Poor Clement Moore

Posted on by

‘Twas the night before Thursday
And poor Clement Moore
Had his poem being copied
By many a bore

His “Night Before Christmas”
Is perfect in rhyme
His rhythm and cadence
Are wonderfully fine.

But then come the wise guys
With internet cool
Who use Clement’s rhyme
As sort of a tool

They pick up the style
From this poem of “that night”
And they hitch up their sled
to whatever’s their gripe.

Now I’m not even saying
That there’s something not right
By using Moore’s poem
To carry a fight.

I guess my complaint
Is not in their chore
But the number of times
they steal from Clem Moore.

So I say to you all
As I close down this gripe
“Merry Christmas to All
And to All a Good Night!”

Cheap Spellchecker

Posted on by

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-Sauce unknown

Caffeine

Posted on by

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction,
I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and
I will dwell in the House of Mocha’s forever.
Amen

New Barney Songs

Posted on by

Now, before you go filing law suit or defamation of character suits, please note – these are parodies. No purple dinosaurs were actually defamed or harmed by the publication of these song lyrics.

I love you
You love me
homosexuality
People think that we’re just friends
but we’re really lesbians

I hate you, you hate me
together we can kill Barney
one big shot and Barney’s on the floor
no more purple dinosaur!

i love booze, booze loves me
holy sh!t i have to pee
i’m so smashed im falling on the floor
alcoholic dinosaur

I hate you, you hate me
Let’s get together and kill Barney
With tanks of water and acid he will drown
Barney escapes but he falls down

I hate you, you hate me
Let’s get together and kill Barney
With a great big knife on his head
Barney’s bloody cuz he’s already dead

I hate you, you hate me
Let’s go out and kill Barney-
With a one shot, two shot, three shot, four
No more purple dinosaur.

I hate you, you hate me
Let’s get together and kill Barney
With his big dog leash around hit neck
He’ll sure make you say ‘what the heck’

I hate you, you hate me
Let’s get together and kill Barney
When he’s skiing lets make an avalanche
And then he’ll get hit by a big tree branch