You prefer dogs to people.
You’ve forgotten how to shave.
You spit on the street and think nothing of it.
You find it hard not to be sleazy when wooing members of the opposite sex.
You smoke instead of eating.
You consider two bottles of wine an ‘aperitif’
You won’t buy anything unless it is in black.
You have a strange aversion to the British, Belgians or anyone else for that matter.
You refuse to speak English – even to your parents.
You smoke on the underground – even when you get back to the UK.
She is soooooo ugly that she would make a train take a dirt road!
She’s so ugly her dentist treats her by mail!
She’s so ugly her face could stop a sun dial.
She’s so ugly Dracula don’t want her.
She was so ugly as a baby, her mom had to feed her with a slingshot.
She’s so ugly, when she walks by a bathroom, all the toilets flush.
She’s so ugly, that when she were born, the doctor slapped her mama.
She’s so ugly, that when she went to the zoo, the guard said: “Thanks for bringing her back.”
She’s so ugly, when she went inside the haunted house, she came out with an application.
She’s so ugly, she tried to enter a Hallowe’en contest, and the judges said: “Sorry, no professionals.”
She’s so ugly she must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch!
She’s so ugly she’s the pet of the family…her parents were too poor to own a dog!
Knows at least three Microsoft burnouts, of which two are millionaires.
Uses more than 5 words [a unique vocabulary] to order a cup of coffee. “I want to order an unleaded, double, short, skinny, wet cappuccino with a shot of Amaretto please.”
Designer’ wardrobe comes from REI, Eddie Bauer, Lands End, and Birkenstock.
Considers it a sunny day if the sun is visible at some point of the day. On Average, Seattle has less than 3 SUNNY days in February.
Feels guilty throwing an aluminum can in the trash, instead of a recycle bin.
Stands on a deserted street corner in the rain, waiting for the light to say walk. Did you know that Seattle police issue over 2500 citations a year to pedestrians jaywalking in downtown Seattle? Well, Seattleites can follow the “Don’t Walk” lights to extremes. Once, while I was crossing the street, the “Walk” light started flashing “Don’t Walk” just as I reached the middle of the intersection. Would you believe, the pedestrian right beside me turned around, and walked back to the corner we started from!
Have been “snow” skiing in the RAIN more than in the snow.
When discussing rainforests and volcanoes, NOT talking about Hawaii.
Groans when Seattle gets listed as one of the best places to live. At all costs, Seattleites do NOT want to encourage ANY MORE people to move to Seattle.
Takes an umbrella wherever they go!
You think barbecue is a verb meaning “to cook outside.”
You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You don’t know what a moon pie is.
You’ve never had grain alcohol.
You’ve never, ever, eaten Okra.
You eat fried chicken with knife and fork.
You’ve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you’ve seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
When ever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don’t have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same pre-school.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as “y’all,” you call them “you guys,” even if both of them are women.
You don’t think Howard Stern has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You don’t have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
You don’t have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You can’t spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You don’t know what applique is.
Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Jim Bob, Billy Bob, Bob Bob).
You don’t have any doilies, and you certainly don’t know how to make one.
You’ve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can’t do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.
The call to worship is, “Ya’ll come on in now.”
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering and 5 guys stand up.
The restrooms are outside.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck, because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of.”
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the “OK Chorale.”
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
Baptism is referred to as “branding”.
There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn’t just a parable.
High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People think “rapture” is when you lift something too heavy.
Baptisms take place in the creek behind the church.
The final words of the benediction are, “Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?”
You believe the weather man.
You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty.
You use the words ‘sun breaks’ and know what it means.
You know more than 10 words to describe a cup of coffee.
You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid
You never go camping without water-proof matches and ponchos.
You stand on a deserted street corner in the rain waiting for the light to change (if there even is a light).
You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
You obey all traffic laws except keep right and left passing.
You only honk your horn if collision is imminent and never for anything else.
You consider swimming an indoor sport.
You consider something a “hill” (not a mountain) if it doesn’t have snow on it or has not recently erupted, regardless of its altitude.
You can’t tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, and Thai food.
In the winter, you go to work in the dark, come home in the dark, and only have an 8 hour day.
You’ve ever tasted Pace extra mild picante sauce.
You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a really nice restaurant.
You consider “etiquette” a foreign word.
You personally know someone from California.
You resent being called a weirdo.
You drool at the world’s worst spaghetti sauce.
You find a wallet with $500 and give it back to the owner.
You used to live somewhere else but won’t admit it publicly.
You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
You’ve ever ordered a half caff/decaf, nonfat mocha grande with sugar-free cranberry whip (or you know what it is).
The bride & groom registered at REI.(sport supply store)
You are amazed at an accurate weather forecast.
If someone ran your car off the highway, you might drown.
You’d be miffed if the store was out of your favorite brand of water.
Every day is casual Friday.
you only own three spices – salt, pepper and ketchup
you design your Halloween costumes to fit over snow suits
the mosquitoes have landing lights
the men are men, and so are the women
you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
you have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat
you thought “Grumpy Old Men” was a documentary
The snowmobile outlet on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas
you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one meter above the ground
driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow
you think everyone from the city has an accent
you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons
you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun
your snow blower gets stuck on the roof
you think the start of moose season is a national holiday
you frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck
you know which leaves make good toilet paper
you find -40C a might chilly
the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Not Winter and Almost Winter
shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout
You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
You think Central Park is “nature.”
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
You haven’t seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.” Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You have jaywalking down to an art form. You’re born with it.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You don’t hear sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish…
You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos.”
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You’ve ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately.
Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You ever got too drunk to fish.
You consider the fifth grade your senior year.
Directions to your house include, “Turn off the paved road.”
The dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car
You prefer car keys to Q-Tips.
You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You’ve ever bought a used hat.
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog.
You’re considered an expert on worm beds.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen.
“Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit.
You learned to drive in a monster truck.
You spit chewing tobacco in the plants.
Your wedding reception included a beer brunch.
You believe books are bad luck.
You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition.
You believe all-star wrestling.
You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck.
You think a “thesaurus” was a dinosaur.
When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
When she dances she makes the band skip.
When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Her ass has its own congressman.
Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
Her driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
“Place Your Ad Here” is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
All the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama”
When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
When she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
She’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
When I yell “Kool-Aid,” she comes crashing through the wall.
She could sell shade.
When she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
People jog around her for exercise.
I ran around her twice and got lost.
She gets runs in her jeans.
Her blood type is Ragu.
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
If she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take their word for it!
She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
When she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
She can’t even jump to a conclusion.
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.
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