Understanding Corporate Speak

  • Essentially complete
    It’s half done.
  • We predict …
    We hope to God!
  • Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk:
    100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.
  • Potential show stopper
    The team has updated their resumes.
  • Serious but not insurmountable problems
    It’ll take a miracle …
  • Basic agreement has been reached
    The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.
  • Results are being quantified
    We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
  • Task force to review
    Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project.
  • Not well defined at this time
    Nobody’s even thought about it.
  • Still analyzing the requirements
    See previous answer.

  • Not well understood
    Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.
  • Requires further analysis and management attention
    Totally out of control!
  • Results are promising
    Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…

You’ve Been in Corporate America Too Long When…

  • You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
  • You decide to re-org your family into a “team-based organization.”
  • You refer to dating as “test marketing.”
  • You can spell “paradigm.”
  • You actually know what a paradigm is.
  • You understand your airline’s fare structure.
  • You write executive summaries on your love letters.
  • Your Valentine’s Day cards have bullet points.
  • You think that it’s actually efficient to write a 10 page presentation with 6 other people you don’t know.
  • You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
  • You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
  • You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
  • You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
  • You end every argument by saying “let’s talk about this off-line”.
  • You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering”, “down-sizing”, “right-sizing”, and “firing people’s asses.”
  • You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
  • You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
  • You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
  • You refer to your significant other as “my co-CEO.”
  • You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
  • You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
  • You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
  • You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
  • You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
  • At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
  • Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills.
  • You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
  • You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
  • You give constructive feedback to your dog

Corporate Buzzwords

  • Blamestorming
    Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
  • Body Nazis
    Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.
  • Seagull Manager
    A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes on everything and then leaves.
  • Chainsaw Consultant
    An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
  • Cube Farm
    An office filled with cubicles.
  • Idea Hamsters
    People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
  • Mouse Potato
    The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
  • Prairie Dogging
    When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
    What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
  • Squirt the Bird
    To transmit a signal to a satellite.
  • Starter Marriage
    A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
  • Stress Puppy
    A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
  • Swiped Out
    An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
  • Tourists
    People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”
  • Treeware
    Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
  • Xerox Subsidy
    Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
  • Going Postal
    Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
  • Alpha Geek
    The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person
    in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.
  • Assmosis
    The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
  • Chips and Salsa
    Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”
  • Flight Risk
    Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
  • GOOD job
    A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
  • Irritainment
    Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
  • Percussive Maintenance
    The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
  • Uninstalled
    Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.
  • Vulcan Nerve Pinch
    The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Are You a Prostitute or Are You a Consultant?

  • You work very odd hours.
  • You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
  • You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
  • You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
  • You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.
  • You are not proud of what you do.
  • Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
  • It’s difficult to have a family.
  • You have no job satisfaction.
  • If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
  • You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
  • People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.
  • Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
  • Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
  • Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.
  • Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
  • You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth, but if the client is foolish enough to pay, it’s not your problem.
  • When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
  • You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.
  • Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.
  • The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
  • When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

At the Monastery

A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.

So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him. He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in. There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.

The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.

He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”

“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk. Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk. And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”

“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.

“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”

At the Brothel

Two drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes one look at them and whispers to her manager, “Go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice”.

An hour later, the two drunks begin to stagger home. During the walk home one guy says, “I think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound”.

The second guy says, “I think mine was a witch!”

“Why do you think that?” asks the friend.

“Well, I bit her ass, she farted in my face and then flew out of the friggin’ window!!”

Application for a Piece of Ass

Approved ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Denied ( ) Yes  ( ) No

Tested For Aids? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
Tested For STDs? ( ) Yes  ( ) No

  • Name____________________________
  • Address_______________________________
  • Age_____
  • Phone____________
  • Social Security#______________________________
  • Hair Color________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • Eye Color__________
    Real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • Dentures?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • Height_________
  • Weight_________
  • Waist Size_______
  • Marital Status:
    ( ) Married
    ( ) Single
    ( ) Divorced
    ( ) Attached
    ( ) Cheating
    ( ) Other
  • Chest or Bra Size_________________
    Are they real? ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • Are your nipples:
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Pink
    ( ) Peach-colored
    ( ) Dark
  • Do you like them:
    ( ) Sucked
    ( ) Chewed
    ( ) Kissed
    ( ) Caressed
    ( ) Squeezed
    ( ) None of the above
    ( ) Other_________
  • Can you stay out late?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How Late?____
    All Night____
    Several Days?__
  • Do you like to be screwed?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    How often?__________
  • Do you take it in the ass?
    ( ) Yes  ( )No
  • Do you like giving Oral Sex?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • Penis or Pussy Size:
    ( ) Microscopic
    ( ) Small
    ( ) Medium
    ( ) Large
    ( ) Extra Large
    ( ) Does it matter?
  • Are you shaved?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • While Screwing do you:
    ( ) Faint
    ( ) Fart
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Hum
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Whistle
    ( ) Yodel
    ( ) Scratch
    ( ) All of the above
    ( ) Just lay there
    ( ) Other__________________________
  • When you come, Do you:
    ( ) Wiggle
    ( ) Wobble
    ( ) Twist
    ( ) Jerk
    ( ) Scream
    ( ) Moan
    ( ) Cry
    ( ) Other?________________________________________
  • What kind of screw do you like?
    ( ) Fast
    ( ) Slow
    ( ) Super Fast
    ( ) All night
    How many times_______

  • How long do you screw at one interval?_________________________________
  • Do you want to screw now?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • If you have screwed before, Give 2 References (Not Immediate Family)
    • Name__________________________
    • Name__________________________

  • If the Application is favorable, what are your charges? If any?
    For one night____________
    One Hour___________
    Muff Burger Special or Blow Job______________
  • What credit card will you accept?
    ( ) Master Card
    ( ) Visa
    ( ) Sears
    ( ) JC Pennys
    ( ) Shell
    ( ) American Express
    ( ) Citicorp
  • Do you have any pictures to attach?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No
  • If you don’t have any pictures to attach, will you pose for some?
    ( ) Yes  ( ) No

I verify the Above Information is the Truth, So Help me God!!



A Snowy Virgin

An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, “And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?”

“I am,” was her demure reply.

Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several minutes later the angel returned.

“She’s a virgin,” the angel stated, “though I’m obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead.”

Thanking him, St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl.

“Well, miss, we’re going to admit you. What is your name?”

She replied sweetly, “Snow White.”

After Sex Comments by Astrological Sign

  • Aries: “Okay, let’s do it again!”
  • Taurus: “I’m hungry — pass the pizza.”
  • Gemini: “Have you seen the remote?”
  • Cancer: “When are we getting married?”
  • Leo: “Wasn’t I fantastic?”
  • Virgo: “I need to wash the sheets.”
  • Libra: “I liked it if you liked it.”
  • Scorpio: “Perhaps I should untie you.”
  • Sagittarius: “Don’t call me — I’ll call you.”
  • Capricorn: “Do you have a business card?”
  • Aquarius: “Now let’s try it with our clothes off!”
  • Pisces: “What did you say your name was again?”

Adult Limericks

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.

There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.

There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you’d guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaffed maiden to boot.

There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.”

A certain young fellow from Ransom
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
“The name, miss, is Simpson, not Samson.”

Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair’s perfectly white.
I admit there’s a glare,
But the fellows don’t care.
They locate it more quickly at night.”