- Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
- Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
- Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”
- Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
- Granny found cuffed to her walker.
- Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
- Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.
- You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of Hustler.
- Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
- Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for “doggy style.”
Christmas Party Blues
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone RE: Christmas Party DATE: December 1
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols — feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2 RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. Happy
now?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and intimacy during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage by our “earth-based
Goddess-worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
Date: December 9 RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?
FROM: Pat Smith, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10 RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!
FROM: Karen Jones, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14 RE: Pat Smith and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Chanuk-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas.
Office Conduct During the Christmas Season
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
- Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
- Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)
- Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
- Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
- All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
- Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have
a Happy Holiday.
Casual Day
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, the Committee On Committee’s has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of “Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards” has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s Fart Football.”
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score…”
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, “What the hell was that?”
The old man says, “Half time, switch sides!”
Ancient Chinese Torture
Once there was a guy wandering through the desert. he was starved and very thirsty so he was very excited when he saw this huge house out of nowhere. He walked up and rang the doorbell. After a couple of rings an old Chinese guy answered. The starved man begged him for a meal and some shelter. The Old man said that he could stay as long as he needed to, but there was one exception the old man said, “You can not touch my daughter. If you do you will experience the 3 worst Chinese tortures.”
The man, being very hungry and tired, quickly agreed. “How good looking can she be if she lives out in the middle of nowhere,” he thought. That night at dinner he saw the old man’s daughter for the first time. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. He tried not to stare at her but he couldn’t help it. After dinner she handed him a note that said “Meet me in my room at midnight.”
That night after the old man had gone to sleep he went into the beautiful daughter’s room. She gave him the best sex of his life. The next morning he woke up in bed with a huge rock next to him. On the rock it said “1st worst Chinese torture.” He didn’t know how it got there but he wanted to get rid of it.
He picked it up, walked over to the window and threw it out. Just then he saw a note on the window sill. It read “2nd worst Chinese torture: left testicle tied to rock.”
Knowing this he jumped out after the rock. While falling he got close enough to the rock to see another sign on it. The sign read “3rd worst Chinese torture: right testicle tied to bed post.”
The Witch Doctor’s Cure
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this,” and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke…. The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens when it’s over?” The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!”
The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news…. So he is lying in bed with her and says ‘123’, and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘123’ for?”
You Just Might Be A Scrooge
- If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon – you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park – you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log – you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat – you just might be a Scrooge.
- If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson — you just might be a Scrooge.
- If your favorite version of “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir – you just might be a BIGOT Scrooge.
- If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn caricatures with egg nog – you just might be a Scrooge.
- And, finally – if your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin – you just might be a Scrooge.
Notice to All Employees
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
- Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is strongly discouraged.
- Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance phone bill.)
- Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
- Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
- All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
- Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than…
Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
- Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
- You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it.
- When you are done with a Christmas tree, you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.
Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man
- A Christmas tree is always erect.
- Even small ones give satisfaction.
- A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights.
- A Christmas tree always looks good – even with the lights on.
- A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
- A Christmas tree has cute balls.
- A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls.
- You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ‘sell by’ date.
- You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.