A Rough Crowd

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

The Answering Machine at School

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Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please listen to all your options before making a selection:

  • To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
  • To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
  • To complain about what we do – Press 3
  • To cuss out staff members – Press 4
  • To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
  • If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
  • If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
  • To request another teacher for the third time this year – Press 8
  • To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
  • To complain about school lunches – Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable/ responsible for his/ her own behavior, class work, homework, and that it’s not the teachers fault for your child(ren)’s lack of effort, hang up and have a nice day!

A History of Teaching Math

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  • Teaching Math in 1950
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

  • Teaching Math in 1960
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

  • Teaching Math in 1970
    A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set “M.” The set “C”, the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set “P” of profits?

  • Teaching Math in 1980
    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

  • Teaching Math in 1990
    By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

  • Teaching Math in 1996
    By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

  • Teaching Math in 2000
    A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

  • Teaching Math in 2011
    A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of loggable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

Math Homework

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Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she
heard:

    “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two.”
    “Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four.”
    “Three and three… “

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher had taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny’s classroom and confronted the teacher. Little Johnny’s mother told her about Little Johnny’s different way of doing math and his claims that she taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn’t understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, she exclaimed, “Oh, I know… here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two.”

Actual School Excuses

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The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to teachers in the Albuquerque Public School System by parents of students:

  • Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  • Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father’s fault.
  • Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
  • Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
  • Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
  • My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  • Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
  • Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
  • George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
  • Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
  • Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

Academic Phrases Completed

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The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

  • “It has long been known”…
    I didn’t look up the original reference.

  • “A definite trend is evident”…
    These data are practically meaningless.

  • “While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions”…An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

  • “Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study”…
    The other results didn’t make any sense.

  • “Typical results are shown”…
    This is the prettiest graph.

  • “These results will be in a subsequent report”…
    I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

  • “In my experience”…
    Once.

  • “In case after case”…
    Twice.

  • “In a series of cases”…
    Three times.

  • “It is believed that”…
    I think.

  • “It is generally believed that”…
    A couple of others think so, too.

  • “Correct within an order of magnitude”…
    Wrong.

  • “According to statistical analysis”…
    Rumor has it.

  • “A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings”…
    A wild guess.

  • “A careful analysis of obtainable data”…
    Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of iced tea.

  • “It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs”…
    I don’t understand it.

  • “After additional study by my colleagues”…
    They don’t understand it either.

  • “Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions”…
    Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

  • “A highly significant area for exploratory study”…
    A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

  • “It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field”…
    I quit.

Training Your Human

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Training your human is a thankless task.
“Why bother with it?”, some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they’ve no fangs or claws, for what that’s worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We’re poised to usurp man’s authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy’s target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom’s new velvet black evening gown,
as she’s headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can’t be all that bright),
They’re telling you by leaving, it’s perfectly all right,
To totally redecorate ’til dawn’s early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they’ll return…

When they try to punish, you mustn’t show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they’ve had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle’s begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It’s destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

How to Prepare for a New Cat

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  • Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.
  • Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.
  • Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.
  • Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.
  • Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won’t be the whole breast.
  • Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.
  • Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that’s where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).
  • Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and run to the TV shouting “No! No! Don’t chew on the electric cord!” Miss the end of the program.
  • Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the corner of the living room in the morning and don’t try to clean it up until you return from work that evening.
  • Gouge the surface of the dining room table several times with an exacto knife. It’s going to get scratched anyway.
  • Practice searching every closet and open cabinet door before you shut it.
  • Knock all small items off your kitchen counter.
  • Chew the eraser off every pencil in the house.
  • Take a fork and shred the roll of toliet paper while it’s still hanging up. Pull a few sheets off and scatter them around the bathroom.
  • Take a staple remover and punch two holes in every scrap of paper around the house.
  • Get a litter tray without a lid and mix in some tootsie rolls with cat litter and then tip it over right before the company comes. Make sure your guests get to find this before you do.
  • Buy a mixed bag of cat toys and stuff them under the refrigerator. Practice getting up at 2AM and fishing them out with a ruler or broom stick.
  • Take a warm cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your new cat falls asleep on your lap.

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

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  • My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
  • My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
  • My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
  • My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
  • My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
  • My cat is not a “shedding machine”, she is a hair relocation stylist.
  • My cat is not a “treat-seeking missile”, she enjoys the proximity of food.
  • My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
  • My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
  • My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
  • My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
  • My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
  • My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
  • My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

The British Way to Give a Cat a Pill

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  1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
  4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend.
  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down remove ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
  9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to friend’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
  12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
  13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet of steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
  14. Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
  15. Arrange for SPCA to collect cat. Ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.