The Sky is Falling!

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

10 Ways to Get Thrown Out of Chemistry Lab

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  1. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
  2. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, “Does this taste funny to you?”
  3. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as “KKK.”
  4. Mutter repeatedly, “Not again… not again… not again.”
  5. When it’s very quiet, suddenly cry out, “My eyes!”
  6. Deny the existence of chemicals.
  7. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
  8. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
  9. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid.
  10. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

English Education at its Finest

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Following questions and answers were collated from recent British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

  • Earth Science

    • Q: Name the four seasons.
      A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    • Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
      A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    • Q: How is dew formed?
      A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    • Q: What is a planet?
      A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

  • Sociology

    • Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
      A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    • Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
      A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

  • Biology

    • Q: What happens to your body as you age?
      A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    • Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
      A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    • Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
      A: Premature death.

    • Q: What is artificial insemination?
      A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    • Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
      A: Keep it in the cow.

    • Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
      A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    • Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.
      A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    • Q: What is a terminal illness?
      A: When you are sick at the airport

  • Technology

    • Q: What is a turbine?
      A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

  • Religious Education

    • Q: What is a Hindu?
      A: It lays eggs.

The Bright Student

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?”

Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnny: “9”.

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnny: “36”.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.”

The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.”

Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants”

Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of
excitement?” Johnny: “Fire truck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.”

A Brief History of Time

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  • 3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.
  • 2900 B.C. – Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world’s Seven Great Wonders.
  • 1850 B.C. – Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They’ve finally gotten those boulders arranged in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.
  • 1785 B.C. – The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.
  • 1768 B.C. – Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.
  • 776 B.C. – The world’s first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world’s first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.
  • 525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don’t try to enter a six-footer with a mustache in the women’s shot put. However, the Egyptians do!
  • 410 B.C. – Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.
  • 404 B.C. – The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.
  • 214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn’t keep the neighbor’s dog out.
  • 1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.
  • 79 A.D. – Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.
  • 432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.
  • 1000 – Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it’s not worth mentioning.
  • 1043 – Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.
  • 1125 – Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to solve the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you’re in the XXXVI percent bracket?
  • 1233 – The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un-Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.
  • 1297 – The world’s first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.
  • 1433 – Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!
  • 1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arc’s case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.
  • 1492 – Columbus proves how lost he really is by landing in the Bahamas, naming the place San Salvador, and calling the people who live there Indians.
  • 1497 – Amerigo Vespucci becomes the 7th or 8th explorer to become the new world, but the first to think of naming it in honor of himself…the United States of Vespuccia!
  • 1508 – Michelangelo finally agrees to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, but he still refuses to wash the windows.
  • 1513 – Ponce de Leon claims he found the Fountain of youth, but dies of old age trying to remember where it was he found it.
  • 1522 – Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.
  • 1568 – Saddened over the slander of his good name, Ivan the Terrible kills another 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.
  • 1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as “John Smith”.
  • 1618 – Future Generations are doomed as the English execute Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his tobacco plants to live.
  • 1642 – Nine students receive the first Bachelor of Arts degrees conferred in America, and immediately discover there are no jobs open for a kid with a liberal arts education.
  • 1670 – The pilgrims are too busy burning false witches to observe the golden anniversary of their winning religious freedom.
  • 1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.
  • 1758 – New Jersey is chosen as the site of America’s first Indian reservation, which should give Indians an idea of the kind of shabby living conditions they can expect from here on out.
  • 1763 – The French and Indian War ends. The French and Indians both lost.
  • 1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Saturday Night.
  • 1773 – Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the act “barbaric,” noting that no one added cream.
  • 1776 – Napoleon decides to maintain a position of neutrality in the American Revolution, primarily because he is only seven years old.
  • 1779 – John Paul Jones notifies the British, “I have just begun to fight!” and then feels pretty foolish when he discovers that his ship is sinking.
  • 1793 – “Let them eat cake!” becomes the most famous thing Marie Antoinette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said. Also, the last thing she ever said.
  • 1799 – Translation of the Rosetta Stone finally enables scholars to learn that Egyptian hieroglyphics don’t say anything important. “Dear Ramses, How are you? I am fine.”
  • 1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.
  • 1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.
  • 1815 – Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins the Battle of New Orleans a month after he should have received the letter telling him the War of 1812 is over.
  • 1840 – William Henry Harrison is elected president in a landslide, proving that the campaign motto, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too” is so meaningless that very few can disagree with it.
  • 1850 – Henry Clay announces, “I’d rather be right than president,” which gets quite a laugh, coming from a guy who has run for president five times without winning.
  • 1859 – Charles Darwin writes “Origin of the Species”. It has the same general plot as “Planet of the Apes”, but fails to gross as much money.
  • 1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lee’s surrender.
  • 1894 – Thomas Edison displays the first motion picture, and everybody likes it except the movie critics.
  • 1903 – The opening of the Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, which is a lot sooner than most of them want to get there.
  • 1910 – The founding of the Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to old ladies who would rather cross the street by themselves.
  • 1911 – Roald Amundsen discovers the South Pole and confirms what he’s suspected all along: It looks a helluva lot like the North Pole!
  • 1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.
  • 1920 – The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking illegal in the U.S. so everyone stops. Except for the 40 million who don’t stop!
  • 1924 – Hitler is released from prison four years early, after convincing the parole board that he is a changed man who won’t cause any more trouble.
  • 1928 – Herbert Hoover promises “a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage,” but he neglects to add that most Americans will soon be without pots and garages.
  • 1930 – Pluto is discovered. Not the dog, stupid; the planet. The dog wasn’t discovered until 1938.
  • 1933 – German housewives begin to realize why that crazy wallpaper hanger with the mustache never came back to finish his work.
  • 1933 – Hitler establishes the Third Reich, and announces that it will last for a thousand years. As matters develop, he is only 988 years off.
  • 1934 – John Dillinger is gunned down by police as he leaves a Chicago movie theater. And just to make the evening a complete washout, he didn’t enjoy the movie either.
  • 1934 – As if the Great Depression weren’t giving businessmen enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.
  • 1938 – Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, thereby averting all possibility of WWII.
  • 1944 – Hitler’s promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon as they’ve won the war doesn’t prove to be as strong an incentive as he had hoped.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…

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(especially when you share the same major!)

  • Psychology
    Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

  • Sociology
    Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

  • Archaeology
    One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

  • Theatre
    “OH! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”

  • Biology
    “You just wanted to get in my genes!”

  • Physics
    Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

  • Journalism
    “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”

  • Women’s Studies
    “HE did it!”

  • Business
    Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.

  • History
    Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

  • Geography
    Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

  • Anatomy
    “I never liked your body anyway.”

  • Economics
    One party demands more than the other can supply.

In a Biology Class

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The pretty coed was shocked when the biology professor asked her, “What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?”

“I – I – I refuse to answer that question,” the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, “The pupil of the eye.”

“Miss,” said the professor, “your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions:
1. You didn’t study last night’s assignment,
2. You have a dirty mind, and
3. Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment.”

20 Reasons Barfing is Better than School Food

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  1. After you barf, you feel better.
  2. You can barf whenever you want.
  3. When you barf, you don’t have to wait in line.
  4. Barf is always warm.
  5. You don’t have to sneak barf out of the cafeteria.
  6. When you’re barfing, a bent spoon is an advantage.
  7. You can lose weight barfing.
  8. You don’t have to pay to barf.
  9. Barf is SUPPOSED to look like that.
  10. When you barf, you don’t have to come back for seconds.
  11. You don’t have to barf everyday.
  12. Barfing can never cause you to eat school food afterward.
  13. You can barf without a photo ID.
  14. Barf is organic and biodegradable.
  15. They don’t ration barf.
  16. After you barf, at least you know what you’ve eaten.
  17. Plastic barf is funny; plastic school food is redundant.
  18. You don’t have to barf the same thing five days in a row.
  19. A dog will eat barf.
  20. After you barf, at least there is some taste in your mouth.

Attendance

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Years ago, it was required that in order for a student to receive credit for a particular college course, a card (listing of his/her courses) had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often quite possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly. Not so, with this physics professor…if he didn’t recognize you, you would have to repeat the course (and attend!).

On one occasion, a student handed his card to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “I’ve never seen you in my class,” and handed back the card. Now being a science student, he naturally thought quickly, and proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the prof. The prof looked at the name, then at the student, and said, “You look familiar. OK.” and signed the card.

Arizona State University Grading System

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This is a list of the ways that professors at Arizona State University grade their final exams:

  • Department of Statistics
    All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

  • Department of Psychology
    Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

  • Department of History
    All students get the same grade they got last year.

  • Department of Religion
    Grade is determined by God.

  • Department of Philosophy
    What is a grade?

  • English Department
    Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight of all the books you read this semester:

      40+ pounds – A
      30 pounds – B
      20 pounds – C
      10 pounds – D
      <10 pounds – F

  • Law School
    Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

  • Department of Mathematics
    Grades are variable.

  • Department of Physics
    Grades are relative. but…
    All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.

  • Department of Chemistry
    All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.

  • Department of Biology
    All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.

  • Department of Logic
    If and only if
       the student is present for the final
    and
       the student has accumulated a passing grade
    then
       the student will receive an A
    else
       the student will not receive an A.

  • Department of Marxist Studies:
    The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the same grade!

  • Department of Economics:
    All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual grade is equal.

  • Department of Operations & Logistics Management
    Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon. NOT 11:59 — NOT 12:01

  • Department of Computer Science
    Random number generator determines grade, but… YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.

  • Music Department
    Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp and flat respectively).