Tag Archives: lists

Fun Things to do When Driving

Posted on by
  • Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
  • Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
  • At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
  • Two words: Chicken suit.
  • Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  • Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  • Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
  • Stop at the green lights.
  • Go at the red ones.
  • Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  • Eat food that requires silverware.
  • Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  • Sing without having the radio on.
  • Honk frequently without motivation.
  • Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
  • Ask people for Grey Poupon.
  • Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
  • Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  • Restart your car at every stop light.
  • Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  • Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  • While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
  • Paint your car with occult symbols.
  • Keep at least five cats in the car.
  • Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
  • Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
  • Stop and collect road kill.
  • Stop and pray to road kill.
  • Throw Spam.
  • Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning

Posted on by
  • Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
  • On the way to the fishin’ hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
  • Greenpeace won’t let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
  • Neighborhood kids offer: “Mow your Volvo, sir?”
  • Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
  • Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
  • “Wash Me” appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
  • Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
  • Your “cell phone antenna” is really a sapling which took root.
  • Kids write “PLOW ME!” on your trunk.
  • When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

You Know You Need a New Housekeeper When….

Posted on by

  • The good news: Her French maid outfit.
    The bad news: Her beard and mustache.

  • Housekeepers.com instructs you to attach vacuum cleaner and mop to your computer’s USB port.
  • Keeps looking nervously at the TV and asking if you’re planning to watch America’s Most Wanted.
  • Shows up wearing nothing but a strategically-placed feather duster.
  • First question: “Do you fold your towels before you put them away?”
  • “Well, Mr. Kaelin, your credentials check out perfectly. You’re hired.”
  • She’s great with the food budget — but the hamsters are missing and last night’s burgers tasted a bit funky.
  • You find a 4-lb. pork roast under the blanket in the nursery, and the baby wrapped in tinfoil in the freezer.
  • By the time you figured out that your brand-new deluxe model of the Housekeeping-Butler-Maid-o-matic was a bad idea, your wife has left you for the Business-Sportsman-Pornstar 3000.
  • “I’m sorry, but due to a recent federal ruling, I don’t do Windows.”
  • When confronted about nothing being cleaned, insists that “Scrubbing Bubbles does the work so I don’t have too.”
  • She doesn’t do windows, but she *does* do your 14-year-old son.
  • When she is done with your 14-year-old-son, she does your 13 year-old daughter.
  • Well, they don’t call him “Mr. French” because of his accent.
  • Scoot marks on the rug, and you don’t even have a dog.
  • Does windows? Check. Great with the kids? Check. Greets your visitors with, “I KISS YOU!!!!”? Uh-oh.

Maxine’s Top Ten Tips to Entertaining

Posted on by
  1. When one hosts a dinner party, it is essential that all the place mats match, or, at the very least, that they all come from the same fast-food restaurant.
  2. Entertaining in your backyard? The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who’s muscular and shirtless.
  3. My favorite party game is “Pin the Cleanup on the Guests.”
  4. Nothing in the world is quite so entertaining as pouring old milk into new containers before having guests over.
  5. A good host must always be a STICKLER for attractive food presentation! I always take the foil COMPLETELY OFF the TV dinner before serving.
  6. Getting your home in tiptop shape for a party can be fun if you think of it as kicking dust bunny tail!
  7. Take short cuts! I used to offer my guests instant coffee. They kept whining for hot water to go with it.
  8. The best way to prepare a roast is to make an aluminum foil tent over your roasting pan. Similarly, the best way to prepare for relatives is to pitch a tent in the backyard and stay there until they leave.
  9. When decorating for a party, be creative with regular household items. Some people might just see a moldy shower curtain with torn eyelets. What do I see? A new tablecloth.
  10. The better you cook, the more likely your guests will return. Which is why I’m not usually too hot in the kitchen.

Signs Found in Kitchens

Posted on by
  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
  • No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
  • A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean – eat out.
  • Housework done properly can kill you.
  • Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
  • I don’t do mousework! (With a picture of a kitten.)
  • Self cleaning kitchen. Clean up after yourself. Mom’s off duty.
  • This is *my* kitchen. I am the boss! If you don’t believe it…start something!
  • I’m the MOMMY, that’s why!
  • Caution: Cook At Work!

How to be Handy Around the House

Posted on by
  • If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it’s an improved screwdriver.
  • Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.
  • Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.
  • Work in the kitchen whenever you can … many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.
  • If it’s electronic, get a new one … or consult a twelve-year-old.
  • Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the “on” switch; or just paint over it.
  • Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.
  • Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, and throwing sometimes DOES help.
  • If something looks level, it is level.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
  • Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, then it isn’t stupid.

10 Clues That You’ve Gone Overboard On Home Improvement

Posted on by
  1. You’ve built a drive-thru car wash in the second slot of your 2-car garage.
  2. You’ll use any excuse to add a new room onto the house, including needing more space for the newest addition to the family — your daughter’s goldfish Buffy.
  3. Even Martha Stewart has deemed your multi-level, hydraulically-operated kitchen is “a bit overdone.”
  4. You’ve converted the standard stall shower into a “bathing waterfall,” complete with tropical plants.
  5. Your rear-projection, surround-sound TV room can comfortably seat 43, and you’re trying to make arrangements with Universal for first run films.
  6. Your dog has a duplex dog house out back, even though he sleeps in bed with you every night.
  7. The local building department says you can’t add a fourth floor to a house that was originally zoned as a single level dwelling.
  8. You bought and demolished your next door neighbors house to make room for an Olympic size swimming pool.
  9. You’ve installed a small freight elevator going to your attic.
  10. You’ve built an FAA-approved helipad on your roof.
© 1996 Sandy Lindsey

You Know You’ve Been on AOL Too Long If…

Posted on by
  • Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
  • Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
  • You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
  • You have called out someone’s screen name while making love to your significant other.
  • You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
  • Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
  • If you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her.
  • If you are female and you see a male in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is that you wish he’d IM you.
  • You don’t understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real" world is at your fingertips.
  • You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
  • When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases.
  • You walk into a room, and, finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is an error.
  • When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
  • You go up to people you are attracted to "in real life" and ask them for their GIF.
  • Although you don’t know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber-love.
  • You don’t even know what your cyber-love looks like.
  • When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized.
  • You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
  • Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
  • Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
  • When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
  • You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
  • You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won’t know you’re on-line again.
  • You know more about your AOL friends’ daily routines than you do your own spouse’s.
  • You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
  • You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
  • You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
  • You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
  • You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you’re going to be away and how you’re feeling.
  • You marry your cyberboyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room.
  • You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
  • You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed then yourself!
  • Your dog leaves you.
  • You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never do when you first got online.
  • You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.
  • You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
  • You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
  • You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
  • Your significant other kisses your neck while you’re chatting and you think, "Uh oh, cyber sex perv".
  • You go thru "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
  • Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
  • You understand what BIF ISO BIM means.
  • You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.
  • You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.
  • You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL’s welcome screen.
  • You wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to come home from work.
  • You don’t know where the time has gone.
  • You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.
  • Your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have ad.
  • You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
  • You don’t even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
  • You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/ {{hugs}} or **kisses**.
  • You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
  • Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
  • You type faster than you think.
  • You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.
  • You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.
  • You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.
  • You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
  • People say, "If it weren’t for your super reflexes in your eyes and fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
  • You dream in "text".
  • Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.
  • There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you’re really bored.
  • You don’t want to leave in case you miss something.
  • You double click your TV remote.
  • You can now type over 70 wpm.
  • You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.
  • You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".
  • You check your E-mail and forget you have real mail (a.k.a. snail mail).
  • You go into withdrawals during dinner.
  • You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
  • You stop speaking in full sentences.
  • You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.
  • You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".
  • Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience.
  • You know what a "snert" is.
  • You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".
  • You meet people from AOL in public & you have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name.
  • You’ve even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to-face.
  • When seeing someone you wish to meet, your second thought is wishing they’d be on AOL so you don’t have to meet them in person.
  • You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
  • You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
  • You have met over 100 AOLers.
  • When meeting a stranger, you ask for their profile. If they have a profile you ask them for an age/sex/location check.
  • You understand the humor in all of this.
  • You keep telling yourself to Get a Life.
  • When someone online says BRB, gotta go pee, you ask them to go for you, and think they can.

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner

Posted on by
  1. When you turn on your television, you’ll hear “You’ve got Pay Per View”.
  2. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.
  3. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.
  4. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
  5. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can’t cancel, no matter how hard you try.
  6. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
  7. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
  8. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz…. again.
  9. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don’t have a “real” cable company like they do.
  10. “You’ve been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated.”

Signs You’re at an AOL Theme Park

Posted on by
  • “Twice as many rides — all 40% slower!!”
  • The neighboring “Microsoft Theme Park” keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.
  • The really good rides you keep hearing about aren’t accessible at all.
  • Your ticket is good for “500 free hours!” but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
  • The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, “We’re sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later.”
  • Ride attendants keep insisting they’re busty young vixens despite the fact that they’re all over 40, dirty, and male.
  • None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.
  • A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it’s still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
  • Even though you’ve paid your monthly entrance fee, you can’t get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
  • Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.
  • The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
  • You’re visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.
  • “We’re sorry, but the ‘Mr. Case’s Obscenely Long Ride Line’ ride is unavailable. Please try again soon.”
  • IT’S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!