Fun Things to do When Driving

  • Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
  • Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
  • At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
  • Two words: Chicken suit.
  • Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  • Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  • Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
  • Stop at the green lights.
  • Go at the red ones.
  • Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  • Eat food that requires silverware.
  • Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  • Sing without having the radio on.
  • Honk frequently without motivation.
  • Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
  • Ask people for Grey Poupon.
  • Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
  • Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  • Restart your car at every stop light.
  • Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  • Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  • While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
  • Paint your car with occult symbols.
  • Keep at least five cats in the car.
  • Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
  • Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
  • Stop and collect road kill.
  • Stop and pray to road kill.
  • Throw Spam.
  • Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.