Signs You’re at an AOL Theme Park

  • “Twice as many rides — all 40% slower!!”
  • The neighboring “Microsoft Theme Park” keeps trying to connect up its carriages to your cash register.
  • The really good rides you keep hearing about aren’t accessible at all.
  • Your ticket is good for “500 free hours!” but the fine print reminds you that all free hours must be used today.
  • The sign outside the bigtop tent reads, “We’re sorry, all circus are busy right now. Please come back later.”
  • Ride attendants keep insisting they’re busty young vixens despite the fact that they’re all over 40, dirty, and male.
  • None of the rides work, but big color pictures make it easy to find your way around.
  • A spiffy new look to the roller coaster since last time you visited, but it’s still just as rusty, squeaky and dangerous.
  • Even though you’ve paid your monthly entrance fee, you can’t get into the park any time except between midnight and six a.m.
  • Ten million visitors a day, and all they want to do is ride the merry-go-round.
  • The entire park is run by monkeys chained to typewriters.
  • You’re visitor number 1,267,866 in a park that only has room for 2350.
  • “We’re sorry, but the ‘Mr. Case’s Obscenely Long Ride Line’ ride is unavailable. Please try again soon.”
  • IT’S AN ALL-CAPS WORLD AFTER ALL!

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