I Don’t Wanna

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I don’t wanna do the dishes,
I don’t wanna do the wash;
I sprinkled clothes a week ago,
And now my iron is lost!!

I don’t wanna rattle pots,
I don’t wanna rattle pans,
I see the mail light flashin’,
I wanna chat with friends!!

Oh the tables need some dusting
and the floor could sure be mopped;
But I know if I get started
there’ll be no place I can stop!

The closets are so full
things are falling off the shelves,
I wish for cleaning fairies
and magic little elves

They could sprinkle fairy dust,
and twitch their little nose.
The windows would be sparkling;
I would have no dirty clothes.

Oh I know that I’m just dreamin’,
My head is in the sky;
I must cook that meat that’s greying
and bake that apple pie.

The Hubby needs a bath;
Doggy needs attention.
Wait! The other way around I mean –
my brain is in suspension.

I am runnin’ round in circles,
I am gettin’ nothin’ done,
I keep thinking of my web chat,
I am missing all the fun!

Well I know I’m not addicted,
Though I hear that all the time,
But I guess this stuff can wait on me –
Cause Today I’ll Be On Line!!!

Idiot’s Guide to Windows Operating Systems

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  • Multitasking
    You can crash several programs all at once. No waiting!

  • Built-in Networking
    You can crash several PC’s all at once. No need to buy Novell Personal Netware or LANtastic to crash.

  • Microsoft Network
    Connect with other Windows users and talk about your crash experiences. Support groups in different cities will be organized.

  • PnP
    Plug and Pray (that it works)

  • Multimedia
    Experience the immense sight and sound of crashing. Compatible with existing software It will also crash your existing software.

  • Increased Productivity
    You will need to *increase* your budget to buy more *products* like RAM and Hard Drives. Better yet, get a new computer! That’s productivity.

  • User-Friendly
    Picture of clouds

  • State of the Art
    Pay for Bill’s next bid for a work of art.

  • Macintosh-like
    It took Microsoft eleven years and it’s not even original.

  • Online Registration
    Dial into Microsoft and let them snoop around your hard drive. This will guarantee you a place in Microsoft’s files for the rest of your life.

  • MS Plus
    More money for Bill’s plus side.

  • Optimize
    It will increase the utilization of your hard drive and CPU so much so that you’ll end up upgrading your system.

May I Have a Drive Expander?

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It is reported that an IBM Service rep received the following call:

“I tried to install your product and it failed miserably. I inserted disk #1 and it worked fine. It then asked me to insert disk #2 into the drive, it took some doing but it worked. The program then asked for disk #3. Now I don’t know what you people are thinking, but if you are going to use more then two diskettes in an installation, please send along a drive expander so that we can insert more than two disks into the drive at the same time.”

How to Tell if Technology Has Taken Over Your Life

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  • Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.
  • You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
  • You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.
  • You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
  • You disdain people who use low Baud rates.
  • When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
  • You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
  • You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.
  • You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
  • You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
  • You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
  • Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
  • You back up your data every day.
  • Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
  • You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
  • On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
  • The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
  • You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
  • You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
  • You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
  • You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.
  • You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
  • Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.
  • You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
  • While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
  • You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
  • You rotate your profile pictures more frequently than your automobile tires.
  • You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
  • You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better — the track ball or the track *pad*.
  • You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.
  • You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

How to Get a Life

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It’s never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn’t as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here’s How:

  • Let go of the mouse.
  • Turn off the computer.
  • Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.
  • Eat something other than taco chips.
  • Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.
  • Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.
  • Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don’t tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.
  • Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).
  • Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.
  • When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.
  • If you see someone, say “Hi” to them instead of poking them.
  • Visit a friend that you haven’t spoken to in years because they don’t have an email address.
  • Have “.com” officially removed from behind your name.
  • Go on a date with someone you didn’t meet in a chat room.

You Know You’re Hooked When…

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  • Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.
  • You’re in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.
  • You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML and FTP mean…but damned if you can remember your wife’s maiden name or your wedding anniversary. Don’t even talk about the kids’ names!
  • You sit in front of the TV…trying to type at a keyboard.
  • You “right click”….on your wife’s nipples.
  • The “cute name” for your member has changed to “Joystick”….and you hold it the same way.
  • You find out that Hemorrhoids aren’t THAT painful, as long as you’re on the ‘Net.
  • When someone yells out “What’s for supper?” you do a search for SUPPER.COM.
  • Whenever your wife mentions “protection”, you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.
  • You suspect there’s a virus in your mashed potatoes.

Home On The Web

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(to the tune of “Home on the Range”)
Lyrics by Peggy Ben-Fay Hu

Oh give me a site,
Where the links all work right,
One that doesn’t take too long to load.
Where the text can be seen,
On my 13-inch screen,
One that offers a “no-Java” mode.

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Though your video files
Give your pages some style
I can’t read them upon my PC;
Massive graphics and sound
Crash my system, I’ve found,
So please put in some “alt” tags for me!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

Please don’t ask me to “chat”
With your favorite cat;
I don’t have an IRC code.
And don’t ask me to buy
Games for Win 95.
My PC is way too darn old!

Home, home on the Web
on my 486 IBM.
Please take pity on me,
I’m still on Netscape 3,
with a 14.4-speed modem!

High Tech Mother Goose

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Mother McGee went to drive C:
  to find her poor Windows a byte
But, when she enquired, all drive space expired
  And not even Stacker would put it right.

Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook
  and called on WordPerfect to write
Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,
  and explained how the function keys worked.

Jack and Jill are married still
  but things look kinda scary
He loves a PC; she’s fond of a Mac
  and RISC makes both of them wary.

Mary had a little Lan
  Then, she wanted more
First she bought a lot of RAM
  Then part interest in a computer store.

You Know You’re a High Tech Worker If…

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  • You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
  • Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
  • Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
  • Your company logo on your badge is applied with stick-um.
  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You learn about your layoff on CNN.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor hasn’t the ability to do your job assignment.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

  • Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all the
    Third World countries’ annual budgets combined.

  • Your home phone has none of the features you developed cuz you’re never there.
  • It’s dark when you drive to and from work.
  • Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
  • Communication is something your group is having problems with.
  • You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
  • A tie is hanging in your cube.
  • Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
  • Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
  • Being sick is defined as can’t walk or you’re in the hospital.
  • You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  • All real work gets started after 5pm or on weekends.
  • Everyone fights fires (i.e. problems).
  • Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  • Plants in your cube are healthier than your plants at home.
  • Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up,” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
  • 10% of the people you work with — no one (boss included) knows what they do.
  • Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
  • Your relatives and family describe your job as “works with computers” or “does something with telephones.”
  • Change is the norm.
  • Nepotism is encouraged.
  • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
  • You read this entire list and understood it.