- Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner…as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it’s nice to see how much weight you’ve lost overnight.
- Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
- When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don’t forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
- Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off…to your advantage, of course.
- Always go to the bathroom first.
- Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
- Don’t eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you’ve weighed in, completely naked, of course.
- Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
- Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
- Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it’s worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you’d stepped on normally.
Guaranteed Diet
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
“Guaranteed. Yeah right!” he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.
The next day there’s a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, “I like the way this company does business!”
The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
He’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 pounds as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?”, asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”
“Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”
The next day there’s a knock at the door and when he opens it he find Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,——–
“If I catch you, I can have you.”
The Gift of Exercise
For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.
- Day 1
They suggest I keep this “exercise diary” to chart my progress this week.Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She’s something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added ten points.
Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT!
- Day 2
Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven’s sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!! - Day 3
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn’t try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen.Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me
live longer. I can’t imagine anything worse. - Day 4
Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word “dumb” must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men’s room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank. - Day 5
I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya, I don’t have triceps. And if you don’t want dents in the floor don’t hand me any barbells.I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?
- Day 6
Got Tanya’s message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel - Day 7
Well, that’s the week. Thank God that’s over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free upper-colon exam or gum surgery.
A Loose Guide on Exercising
- It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Have not lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.
- I figure if God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.
- I have flabby thighs, fortunately my stomach covers them.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
To Exercise or Not to Exercise
- The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.
- I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
- I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
A Dieter’s Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there
While Mama in her my girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick
The sweet-coated santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox
From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning I’ll starve…’til I take that first bite!
Excuses for Eating
Everybody has a good excuse for not attending church. If you take those excuses and apply them to other things we do (or don’t do), like eating, they might look like this list:
- I was forced to eat as a child.
- People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren’t really hungry.
- There are so many different kinds of food, I can’t decide what to eat.
- I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
- I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
- None of my friends will eat with me.
- I’ll start eating when I get older.
- I don’t really have time to eat.
- I don’t believe that eating does anybody any good. It’s just a crutch.
- Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.
Cat Miracle Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting, well, now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
- DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. - DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. - DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. - FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
The Bachelor Diet
- Monday
- Breakfast – Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
- Lunch – Send your secretary out for six “gutbombers” – those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
- Afternoon Snack – Drink the Maalox.
- Dinner – Six pack of beer and Kentucky Fried Chicken three-piece Dinner, don’t eat the coleslaw.
- Tuesday
- Breakfast – Eat the coleslaw
- Lunch – Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
- Dinner – Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho’s.
- Wednesday
- Breakfast – Jaws couldn’t eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho’s.
- Lunch – Rolaids and a coke.
- Dinner – Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.
- Thursday
- Breakfast – Order out for pizza.
- Lunch – Your secretary is out sick, check Monday’s gutbomber sack for leftovers.
- Dinner – Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
- Friday
- Breakfast – Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it’s better for you.
- Lunch – Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder.
- Dinner – Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don’t eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
- Saturday
- Breakfast – Sleep through it.
- Lunch – Ditto.
- Dinner – Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussels sprouts. Don’t eat the brussels sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
- Sunday
- Breakfast – Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
- Lunch – Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don’t eat Lunch.
- Dinner – Chicken noodle soup – Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
Your Tax Forms Explained
Enclosed is your 2014/2015 United States Internal Revenue service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR “Estimated Tax For Self-Employed Individuals.” You may use this form to estimate your 2014 fiscal year tax if:
- You are the head of a household and the sum of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property)
- Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903
- You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a “foreign” tax credit. (Warning: claiming for a foreign tax credit for a foreign “tax” credit, except where a foreign “tax credit” is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years imprisonment)
- You are not one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing jointly; jointed but not filing; other.
INSTRUCTIONS
Type out all answers in ink with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not mis-spell “miscellaneous”. Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security number of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a box marked “cross” or a cross in a box marked “tick” unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write “Search Me” in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up.
Complete sections 47 to 52 first then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa.
Under “income”, list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints paid on and money found down the back of the sofa. If your earnings are derived wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily from countries other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, “Countries That Are Not The United States”) or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on non-taxable net disbursements, you must include a Grantor/Transferor Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $1,500,000 and seizure of a child.
Under Section 890f, list total farm income (if none give details). If you were born after January 1, 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryover figures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home and enter on line 356d.
On Schedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D but do not include any electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d.
Under “Personal Expenditures”, itemize all cash expenditures of more than one dollar and include verification. If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your shoe sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes (Right foot only) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine on $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection.
If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for losses of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes deadweight (15,000 tonnes if you are military personnel based in Canada) you must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a nuclear attack on a small, neutral country.
On Pages 924 through 926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs (Use extra pages if necessary).
If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities, bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments, but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d and 112f and enclose with all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at this time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining investments, commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by the number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any remaining spaces. If you have unreimbursed employee expenses, tough.
To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average alternative estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked “Tax Due”, write a very large figure.
Make your check payable to “Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America And To The Republic For Which It Stands, One Nation, Under God With Liberty And Justice For All” and mark for the attention of Connie. On the back of your check write your social security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference and send to:
Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America
Tax Reception And Orientation Center
Building D
Annex G78
Suite 900
Subduction Zone 12
Box 132677-02
Drawer 2, About Halfway Back
Federal City
Maryland 10001
If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSY-SIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous 2015. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler.