Pizza Anyone?

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The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the
story swears it’s true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital

…

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.

PM: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.

PM: You’re an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.

PM: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

PM: And you say you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?

PM: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.

PM: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

PM: And you’re all FBI agents?

Agent: That’s right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don’t think so. ::click::

The “Not Raising Hogs” Business

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TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.

New Kentucky Proposal

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An actual bill pending in Kentucky right now:

A RESOLUTION encouraging the purchase and vigorous use of a SSN-688 Los Angeles Class submarine. These are being decommissioned by the United States Navy and can be bought cheap as surplus.

WHEREAS, in the past few years the scourge of the casino riverboat has been an increasingly significant presence on the Ohio River; and

WHEREAS, the Ohio River borders the Commonwealth of Kentucky; and

WHEREAS, the siren song of payola issuing from the discordant calliopes of these gambling vessels has led thousands of Kentucky citizens to vast disappointment and woe; and

WHEREAS, no good can come to the citizens of Kentucky hypnotized from the siren song issuing from these casino riverboats, the engines of which are fired by the hard-earned dollars lost from Kentucky citizens;

NOW, THEREFORE,

Be it resolved by the House of Representatives of the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

Section 1. The House of Representatives does hereby encourage the formation of the Kentucky Navy and subsequently immediately encourages the purchase and armament of one particularly effective submarine, to patrol the portion of the Ohio River under the jurisdiction of the Commonwealth to engage and destroy any casino riverboats that the submarine may encounter.

Section 2. The House of Representatives does hereby authorize the notification of the casino riverboat consulate of this Resolution and impending whoopin’ so that they may remove their casino vessels to friendlier waters.

How to Mess With the IRS

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  • Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.
  • Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).
  • Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer’s glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn’t open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
  • If you’re very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
  • On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.
  • Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
  • Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.
  • When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.
  • If you send 2 checks they’ll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
  • Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
  • Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

The Bar Bet

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”

Legislative Oops of the Tongue

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  • “I don’t know anyone here that’s been killed with a handgun.”
    — Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans

  • “I think we have passed something that we didn’t want to do.”
    –Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge

  • “I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state.”
    –Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson

  • “This amendment does more damage than it does harm.”
    –Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans

  • “Y’all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y’all would scream one at a time.”
    — House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego

  • “I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks.”
    –Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville

  • Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber:
    “They’re lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day.”
    — Sen. B.B. “Sixty” Rayburn, D-Bogalusa

The FHA versus a Louisiana Lawyer

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A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer 3 months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented an application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

“Your letter regarding title in Case 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that the US purchased Louisiana from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to land prior to US ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus’ expedition.

Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”

They got it.

Dear Infernal Revenue Serviced

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I heard that y’all have really been slacking off on conducting audits here lately. It’s now down to roughly one in every forty seven bazillion returns gets audited. So, for all of the rest, you generally take the taxpayer’s word for it. Whatever they scribble on their 1040 form and send to you, y’all just have a trained monkey process it and stick it in the file.

That’s especially good news for me, since, once again, it appears the United States Government has decided they didn’t get enough of my blood throughout the year and now, come tax filing time, they’d like an emergency transfusion. A negative. B positive. AB Latte. Something.

So, while to this point in my life I’ve been straight as an arrow when dealing with y’all, I’ve decided this year to enroll in Creative Tax Filing 101.

Y’all will be getting Schedule A’s, B’s, C’s, a few Double D’s (which ought to make the male and lesbian auditors happy) and the Schedule of Bus Routes if I can lay my hands on it.

Y’all will be getting 1040’s, 1050’s, a 10-10-321 so you can call for just 10 cents a minute and a 10-100, catch you on the flip-flop, good buddy, roger that.

Furthermore, I’m kind of busy at the moment and I don’t think I’m going to have time to get all of the paperwork done by April 15. Y’all just go ahead and cut me a check for, oh, I’ll make it light on you, $275,000, and we’ll just call it even.

Yeah, I know, I’m taking a chance that I’ll be the lucky one who gets a full blown, pants around my ankles, and bent over the stove audit this year. And that I’ll wind up having to pay y’all thousands of dollars, my first born, and a goat named Clyde. I know I’m gambling with you.

But, I also hear that gambling debts are fully deductible, too. I can’t lose.

Nothing but love for ya, baby,

Ways to Insure You Get Audited

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From the folks at Hallmark.com and their creation, Maxine the Queen of Crabbiness, here are 10 ways to ensure getting audited by the IRS:

  1. Pay in pennies (delivered by sling slot).
  2. Deduct calls made to the Psychic Network in an attempt to get winning PowerBall numbers.
  3. Claim your cat as a dependent.
  4. Claim charitable deductions that equal more than your income.
  5. On the line that asks what you made this year, answer “Trouble.”
  6. Deduct adoption costs associated with adopting a new personality.
  7. Claim a home office deduction based on all the in-home counseling you give to friends and family.
  8. Wait till the last minute and copy the numbers from the guy standing next to you in line at the post office.
  9. Fill out your forms in yellow crayon.
  10. Detail 11,215 Internet stock trades — and claim you came out exactly even.

You Know You Work For the Government If…

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  • When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
  • You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
  • Your biggest loss from a system crash is you lose your best jokes.
  • Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
  • You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
  • Computer specialists know less about computers than your teenager.
  • Lunch is like another scheduled meeting, only shorter.
  • You see a good looking person and know they are a visitor.
  • Management thinks a business trip with uncompensated mandatory weekend travel is a perk.
  • Although you have a telephone, pager, E-mail, FAX, company distribution, Fed-X, US mail and coworkers sitting right on the other side of the partition…communication is a continuing problem.
  • You know, and everyone that works with you knows, your performance is superior, but “satisfactory” is the highest level on the documented performance rating.
  • You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say “Oh wow, thanks!”
  • Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
  • When workers screw up they are transferred to another office to be someone else’s problem; when management screws up they are promoted.
  • Your boss’ favorite lines are “when you get a few minutes,” “in your spare time,” “when you’re freed up” and “I have an opportunity for you.”
  • Training is something spoken about but never seen.
  • Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
  • The worst possible reputation comes from being the initiator of a complaint.
  • You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.