The Americans With No Abilities Act

WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.


The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans–through no fault of their own–do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. “Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality.”

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding “middle man” positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, “What can you bring to this organization?” and “Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?”

“As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. “This new law should really help people like me.”

With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Clinton: “It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great nation.”

Congress Embraces Internet Technology

Congress Embraces Internet Technology
In Campaign Finance Reform’s stock soared and eBay created an entire new section on their online auction site to accommodate the US Congress’ overhaul of campaign financial law.

Senator John McCain, in a speech from Capitol Hill, praised his fellow Senators’s choice to “name your own price” for Congressional influence. “This is significant legislation that will turn around a stagnant economy by pouring millions into politicians’ pockets.”

In the new law, private citizens will be able to log onto and “name their own price” to influence a member of the House. Citizens wishing to purchase a Senator need to logon to Ebay.

William Jefferson Clinton has replaced William Shatner as spokesman for the new Congressional Priceline. In an “off-camera” remark, as Mr. Clinton held his crotch, he said, “This is going to be *big*, really *big*.”

Legislative Oops of the Tongue

  • “I don’t know anyone here that’s been killed with a handgun.”
    — Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans
  • “I think we have passed something that we didn’t want to do.”
    –Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge
  • “I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state.”
    –Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson
  • “This amendment does more damage than it does harm.”
    –Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans
  • “Y’all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y’all would scream one at a time.”
    — House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego
  • “I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks.”
    –Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville
  • Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber:
    “They’re lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day.”
    — Sen. B.B. “Sixty” Rayburn, D-Bogalusa

Can You Imagine…?

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

  • 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
  • 7 have been arrested for fraud
  • 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
  • 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
  • 3 have been arrested for assault
  • 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
  • 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
  • 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
  • 21 are current defendants in lawsuits
  • In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It’s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Though this list has been proven to be false, it isn’t that far off base. There is a great list of American Politicians Convicted of Crimes on Wikipedia.