- MTV actually played videos in the 80’s.
- There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn’t cost $125.
- A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
- In the 80’s playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
- In the 80’s, when you were out partying, you didn’t have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.
- In the 80s we didn’t have to worry about getting our heads blown off atschool-unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
- New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one’s a draw.
- In the early 80’s there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally.
- Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
- In the 80’s you didn’t have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.
Signs Your Roommate is Stuck in the 80s
- She’s still dressing up like Cyndi Lauper, only now people think she’s Mimi from the Drew Carey show.
- He’s more self-absorbed than the entire cast of Seinfeld.
- Every time they borrow a sweatshirt from your closet, they return it with the neckline all ripped out.
- His part-time job? Teaching the “Uptown Girl” dance class at Arthur Murray.
- Every ten minutes it’s the same damn question – “Nancy… am I still the President?”
- *Still* spends Friday nights dialing 867-5309 and asking for Jenny.
- Your explanation to the police: After 1000 times, “Gag me with a spoon” sounded like a request.
- He’s wondering why there’s no Apple IIe version of Microsoft Word.
- Defensively says “They’re not oldies; it’s called classic rock!”
- Can’t understand why Blondie wasn’t at the Lilith Fair.
- Your name happens to be “Mickey,” and HE WON’T QUIT SINGING THE DAMN SONG.
- Upon hearing the name “Lewinsky,” declares, “I don’t care what those damn reporters say, Huey Lewinsky and the News do *not blow!”
You’re a Child of the 80’s If….
- You know what a “burnout” is.
- You know what “Sike” means.
- You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off.”
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer.”
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wish you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- Partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
- You knew what Willis was “talkin’ ’bout.”
- You HAD to have your MTV.
- You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future.”
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.
- You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince.”
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
- You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
- Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran.
- You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a “Whammee” is.
- You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
- You know the words to the theme song of “The Facts of Life.”
50 Totally Random and Useless Facts
- The US interstate highway system requires that one mile in every five be straight. These straight sections function as airstrips in times of war and other emergencies.
- The Boston University Bridge is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
- Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs have only about ten.
- Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
- In every episode of Seinfeld, there is a superman somewhere.
- February 1965 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
- The cruise liner, Queen Elisabeth II, moves only six inches for every gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.
- Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book published in every major Dewey Decimal category.
- Columbia University is the second largest land owner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
- Cat urine glows under a black light.
- Back in the mid-80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn’t considered 100% compatible unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.
- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
- In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child is 2-6 years of age.
- Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
- If you have three quarters, four dimes and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
- The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
- Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually that all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
- No NFL team which plays its home games in a dome has ever won a Superbowl.
- The first toilet ever seen on TV was on “Leave it to Beaver”.
- In the Great Fire of London in 1666, half of the city was burned down but only 6 people were injured.
- One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers – they saw them as competitors.
- Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 years old.
- The name Wendy was made up for the book -“Peter Pan”.
- The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life”.
- It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. The frog then uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach’s contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.
- Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.
- Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar, in “Midnight Cowboy”. Her entire role lasted only 6 minutes.
- Charles Lindburgh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous transatlantic flight.
- Goethe couldn’t stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.
- Stewardesses is the longest word that is formally typed with only the left hand.
- Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always the same sex.
- To escape the jaws of a crocodile, push your thumbs into its eyes – it will release you instantly.
- If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will come up heads approximately 4950 times because the heads picture weighs more than the tails side, so it ends up on the bottom more often.
- Hydroxydeoxycorticosterones is the longest anagram in the English language.
- Los Angeles’ full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Pornciuncula.
- An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
- Al Capone’s business card said he was a furniture dealer.
- The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.
- Wilma Flintstone’s maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty Rubbles’ maiden name was Betty Jean Mcbricker.
- A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
- 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
- The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharoh Ramses II, who fathered over 160 children.
- If NASA send birds into space, they would soon die because birds need gravity to swallow.
- Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
- The computer term “byte” is a contraction of “by eight”.
- The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.
- The famous split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter (“shin”, pronounced “sheen”) of the word “shalom”. As a boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in a benediction and never forgot it; he was eventually able to add it to Star Trek lore.
- The idea that “the Boogey Man will get you” comes from the Boogey people, who still inhabit an area of Indonesia. These people still act as pirates today, and attack passing ships.
- Underground is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters “und”
You’re Probably Aged 25 to 35 If…
- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still carry the emotional scars to this day.
- You could sing “99 Red Balloons” in English and in German.
- You’re starting to believe that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.
- You did the LeFreak with Chic.
- “All-skate, change directions” means something to you.
- In high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play “1999” by Prince over and over again.
- You wore anything Izod, especially collar “up,” or the windbreakers that folded up into a pouch you could wear around your waist.
- You owned a Jordache anything, or you remember when Jordache jeans were cool.
- You ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, Rick Springfield, or Cyndi Lauper video.
- You actually know who Rick Springfield is.
- You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you in the “tail gunner” position.
- Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
- You ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon
- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
- There was nothing to question about Bert n’ Ernie living together.
- Knickers and leg warmers were cool.
- You ever wanted to learn to play “Stairway to Heaven” on the guitar and choreographed “Dancing Queen” by yourself in your room.
- You were afraid of the Sleestaks on Land of the Lost.
- The first time you ever kissed someone was at a dance during “Crazy for You” by Madonna.
- You ever used the phrase “kiss mah grits” in conversation.
- You had ringside seats for Luke and Laura’s wedding.
- You know who shot J.R.
- This rings a bell: “and my name, is Charlie. They work for me.”
- You ever had a Dorothy Hammill haircut.
- You sat with your friends on a Friday night and dialed “867-5309” to see if Jenny would answer.
- You owned a pair of Rainbow suspenders just like Mork used to wear.
- You remember when your cable TV box had the three rows of numbers and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
- Two Words: Feathered hair
- Your jaw would ache by the time you finished those “brick-sized” packages of Bazooka gum.
- The phrase “Where’s the beef?” still doubles you over with laughter.
Things You Should Never Say…
- “Don’t you have some laundry to do, or something?”
- “No, really, I was laughing about…this joke I heard one time.”
- “Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.”
- “You’re just upset because your caboose is starting to spread.”
- “Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it?”
- “Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?”
- “You sure you don’t want to consult the great Oprah on this one?”
- “Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.”
- “That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add ‘giant cork’ to the shopping list?”
- “Whoa, time out honey, Frasier’s back.”
- “Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.”
- “Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?”
- “Hey baby, if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.”
- “I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.”
- “Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn’t loaded.”
Signs You’re Not Ready for Summer
- Still trying to untangle the Christmas lights from the Weedwhacker.
- The pool boy shows up with a backhoe.
- Putting on last year’s bathing suit requires Vaseline and a shoe horn.
- Used all your bikini wax to polish your hardwood floors during the winter.
- Your new batch of ads featuring a pierced Joe Camel on a surfboard are three weeks behind schedule.
- Your belly has more rolls than Sara Lee, and besides, you’re still hungover from spring break.
- You refuse to visit any beach not personally guarded by David Hasselhoff.
- You’re so white, even the Boston Celtics refuse you.
- Vacation plans include a ValueJet flight to a Club Med Zaire.
- Recent guilty verdict on all 11 counts means
you can kiss that Summer Patriot Training Camp trip goodbye. - Without flood relief from slow Congress, you’re still *living* in your bass boat.
- Despite therapy, you’re still not prepared for the coming endless airplay of “Kokomo.”
- The sun’s reflection off your phosphorescent white skin actually damaged one of Mir’s solar panels.
- Still confusing the George Clooney Batman with the Val Kilmer Batman.
How To Recondition Your Body For a Toxic Diet
- Slowly begin to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars to insure an optimum toxin level.
- Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables, make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned and preserved in sugar syrup.
- Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes have been destroyed through pasteurization.
- Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will require less chewing.
- Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased volume of food.
- Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
- Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
- Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the body’s natural tendencies to detoxify during sleep.
You Know It’s Time To Diet When…
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
- You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.
My Appetite is My Shepherd
My appetite is my shepherd, I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly
Sometimes during the night.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating,
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me.
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously.
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me
All the days of my life
And I shall be “pleasingly plump” forever.