Ways To Annoy A Roommate At Christmas

  • Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.
  • Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa’s lap. Refuse to get off.
  • Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you’re wearing it.
  • Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, “Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…”
  • Hang mistletoe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
  • Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say, “You’ve been very naughty this year.”
  • Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
  • Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (ie, “You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.”)
  • Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
  • Sing: “All I want for Christmas is my roommate’s two front teeth…”
  • Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
  • Build a snow person with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn’t come to life, cry hysterically: “It didn’t work!”
  • Whip your roommate screaming: “Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.”
  • Tear down all your roommate’s Christmas decorations yelling, “Bah Humbug!”
  • Wake up every morning screaming, “Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!”
  • Tell your roommate you’re moving out. Santa’s buying you a house on 34th Street.
  • Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
  • Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
  • Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate’s friends, “Give it a yank.”
  • Ring jingle bells maniacally saying “every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.”
  • Stand in front of the mirror in your underwear reciting, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” over and over.
  • Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
  • Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up, sing, “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”
  • Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her, “I had to let them stay here, there’s no room at the inn.”
  • When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa’s elves must have done it.
  • Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:
    ‘You have been naughty, and here’s the scoop:
    All you get is the snowman’s poop!’
    Or you could have a picture of a reindeer with cocoa puffs for reindeer poop for your roommate.

Signs Your Roommate is Stuck in the 80s

  • She’s still dressing up like Cyndi Lauper, only now people think she’s Mimi from the Drew Carey show.
  • He’s more self-absorbed than the entire cast of Seinfeld.
  • Every time they borrow a sweatshirt from your closet, they return it with the neckline all ripped out.
  • His part-time job? Teaching the “Uptown Girl” dance class at Arthur Murray.
  • Every ten minutes it’s the same damn question – “Nancy… am I still the President?”
  • *Still* spends Friday nights dialing 867-5309 and asking for Jenny.
  • Your explanation to the police: After 1000 times, “Gag me with a spoon” sounded like a request.
  • He’s wondering why there’s no Apple IIe version of Microsoft Word.
  • Defensively says “They’re not oldies; it’s called classic rock!”
  • Can’t understand why Blondie wasn’t at the Lilith Fair.
  • Your name happens to be “Mickey,” and HE WON’T QUIT SINGING THE DAMN SONG.
  • Upon hearing the name “Lewinsky,” declares, “I don’t care what those damn reporters say, Huey Lewinsky and the News do *not blow!”