Reasons The 80s Were Cooler than the 90s

  • MTV actually played videos in the 80’s.
  • There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes (White with a red swoosh), and they didn’t cost $125.
  • A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.
  • In the 80’s playing video games actually meant going out to DO something.
  • In the 80’s, when you were out partying, you didn’t have to worry about your Mom calling you on your cell.
  • In the 80s we didn’t have to worry about getting our heads blown off atschool-unless you put a whole pack of Pop Rocks in your mouth and drank a coke.
  • New Kids on the Block vs. Hanson. OK, that one’s a draw.
  • In the early 80’s there were kids in your high school who could buy alcohol legally.
  • Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.
  • In the 80’s you didn’t have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

Signs Your Roommate is Stuck in the 80s

  • She’s still dressing up like Cyndi Lauper, only now people think she’s Mimi from the Drew Carey show.
  • He’s more self-absorbed than the entire cast of Seinfeld.
  • Every time they borrow a sweatshirt from your closet, they return it with the neckline all ripped out.
  • His part-time job? Teaching the “Uptown Girl” dance class at Arthur Murray.
  • Every ten minutes it’s the same damn question – “Nancy… am I still the President?”
  • *Still* spends Friday nights dialing 867-5309 and asking for Jenny.
  • Your explanation to the police: After 1000 times, “Gag me with a spoon” sounded like a request.
  • He’s wondering why there’s no Apple IIe version of Microsoft Word.
  • Defensively says “They’re not oldies; it’s called classic rock!”
  • Can’t understand why Blondie wasn’t at the Lilith Fair.
  • Your name happens to be “Mickey,” and HE WON’T QUIT SINGING THE DAMN SONG.
  • Upon hearing the name “Lewinsky,” declares, “I don’t care what those damn reporters say, Huey Lewinsky and the News do *not blow!”

You’re a Child of the 80’s If….

  • You know what a “burnout” is.
  • You know what “Sike” means.
  • You know the profound meaning of “Wax on, Wax off.”
  • You know that another name for a keyboard is a “Synthesizer.”
  • You wanted to be a Goonie.
  • You know who Max Headroom is.
  • You ever wore flourescent, neon if you will, clothing.
  • You could breakdance, or wish you could.
  • You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
  • Partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.
  • You wanted to be on StarSearch.
  • You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
  • You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
  • You knew what Willis was “talkin’ ’bout.”
  • You HAD to have your MTV.
  • You hold a special place in your heart for “Back to the Future.”
  • You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
  • You actually thought “Dirty Dancing” was a REALLY good movie.
  • You heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
  • You knew “The Artist” when he was humbly called “Prince.”
  • You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
  • You own any cassettes.
  • You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we’d all be living on the moon.
  • You remember and/or own any of the Care Bear Glass collection from Pizza Hut.
  • Or any other stupid collection they came out with.
  • Poltergeist freaked you out.
  • You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
  • You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
  • You know what a Doozer is.
  • You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or knew someone who did.
  • You ever had a Swatch Watch.
  • You can name 1/2 the members of Duran Duran.
  • You remember when “Saturday Night Live” was funny.
  • You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
  • You know what a “Whammee” is.
  • You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
  • You know the words to the theme song of “The Facts of Life.”

An 80’s Love Story

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don’t play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he’s sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn’t fight this feeling any longer. I asked him “What’s love got to do with it?” He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number.) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love – hasta la vista, baby. I thought “I can’t go for that – no can do! Bring me a higher love!” I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean – she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna – her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! … no answer. Nobody told me there’d be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend’s girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn’t found what she’s looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said “I thought you were Jessie’s girl.”

She said “Don’t you want me? You don’t have to put on the red light – I’m on my own.” What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She’s a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I’d have the time of my life.

I wasn’t about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper’s delight, I heard a voice say “Who can it be now?”

“Here I am, the one that you love”, I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time.

She loosened her blouse and said “Rock me Amadeus!” Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.

I told her “I’ll tumble for ya!” as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. “Turn around bright eyes!” said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin’ tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings – broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time’s sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. “You don’t owe me money for nothing!” he snarled. At this point I was livin’ on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife – how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is.

Love stinks.