- Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
- Chivalry’s as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
- PMS lasts all month.
- Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
- “Honey, what are you thinking?” is now “Are you finished yet?!”
- He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
- Dildos, S &, menage … anything to break the monotony.
- You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.
- Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
- Two weeks no orgasm.
- Three weeks no orgasm … and you still don’t miss it.
- When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
- You’d rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
- The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.
- You let one rip in your sleep and don’t care if he hears.
Tag Archives: lists
Henpecked Husbands
- He wears the pants in the house – under his apron.
- He has two chances of winning an argument with her, slim and none.
- She leads a double life – hers and his.
- He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
- She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
- He always has the last word – he says, “I apologize.”
- He was a man about town, she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
- The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
- He put a ring on her finger and she put one through his nose.
- He was a dude before marriage – now he is subdued.
- He married her for her looks, but not the kind he’s getting now.
- She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000, because it was the thumb she had him under.
- She even complains about the noise he makes, when he is fixing his own breakfast.
- He goes to a woman dentist – it’s a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
- Every once in awhile she comes to him on her bent knees. She dares him to come out from under the bed.
Have You Cheated?
Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.
- Oral Sex does not count.
- If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day… it doesn’t count…
- If you failed to call the person back to have more sex… doesn’t count…
- If both of you failed to achieve orgasm…it doesn’t count…
- Sex with a friend…it doesn’t count…it’s just another thing you share…
- If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “Did I shave my legs for this”…it doesn’t count…
- An old flame…it doesn’t count…
- An ex-spouse…it doesn’t count, refer to this as a “pity fuck”.
- Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Cyber-sex – NO WAY – this is glorified masturbation…it doesn’t count…
- 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex…it doesn’t count…
- Kissing body parts is not cheating…it doesn’t count…
- An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other…it doesn’t count…
- An act committed while you were intoxicated…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with a family member of your significant other…it doesn’t count…this should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet”.
- Acts committed in a public place…it doesn’t count…(why should it, it was public right?)
- Phone sex…it doesn’t count…(refer back to “glorified masturbation”)
- In car…it doesn’t count…way too cramped…if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift…this counts…way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule 1…
- An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull’n pray method of birth control)…it doesn’t count…
- An act in which no kissing takes place…it doesn’t count… (not considered to be intimate)
- An act in which “you do all the work”…it doesn’t count.
- An act committed with your next door neighbor…it doesn’t count, this should be referred to as “being neighborly”.
- An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other…it doesn’t count.
- An act which only happens on a random basis…it doesn’t count, this should be considered ” getting aquatinted “…
- An act with a US President…it doesn’t count, unless the Senate votes impeachment…
- An act with your boss…it doesn’t count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.
Reasons Why Guitars are Better Than Women
- A guitar has a volume knob
- If you break a guitar’s G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one
- You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
- You can unplug a guitar
- You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
- Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
- You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
- You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
- You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
- If your guitar doesn’t make sounds you like, you can retune it
- You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
- If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
- You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
- If you scratch a guitar’s back, it’s unintentional, not required
- You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
- It’s good to have a guitar that’s stretched out.
- You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed
- You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
- You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
- You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
- A guitar doesn’t take half of everything you own when you sell it.
Why It’s Great to be a Woman
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
- We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
- We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
Why It’s Great to be a Guy
- Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
- You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight.
- When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
- You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere you go.
- You can go to the bathroom alone.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- The garage is all yours.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
- Cleaning the toilet is optional.
- You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
- Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
- None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don’t have to shave below your neck.
- You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
- If you’re 34 and single, no one notices.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.
- You never have to worry about other’s feelings.
- Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
- You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
- One mood, all the time.
- You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
- Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks.
- You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
- You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s.
- The remote is yours and yours alone.
- You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom.
- If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
- New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
- If you retain water, it is in a canteen.
Good, Bad, and Ugly
- Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It’s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy 5 years ago - Good: Your wife is not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She is a lawyer - Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you - Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: Your’re in them - Good: Your Hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them - Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He’s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better then you - Good: You give the “Birds & Bees” talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With Corrections - Good:The Postman’s early
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas - Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It’s another man
Ugly: He’s your best friend - Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you
Facts About Men and Women
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want. - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. - A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man. - To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. - Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die. - Any married man should forget his mistakes.
No sense two people remembering the same thing. - Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night. - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does. - A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
More Classes For Men
At our Local Learning Center for Adults
Sign Up By March 25th
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.
Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? — Round Table Discussion.
Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? — Group Practice.
Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures/Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink? — Examples on Video
Topic 6: Loss of Identity – Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. — Help Line Support and Support Groups
Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things – Starting with Looking in the Right Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While screaming. Open Forum.
Topic 8: Health Watch – Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.
Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While she Parallel Parks? — Driving Simulations
Topic 11: Learning to Live – Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and Role-playing.
Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy – Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going to be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Topic 14: The Stove/Oven – What it is and How it is Used. Live demonstration.
** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**
Seminars for Males
- Combating Stupidity
- You, too, can do housework
- PMS — Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
- How to fill an ice tray
- We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas — Give us money
- Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00am
- Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled “Don’t wash my silks”)
- Parenting — No, it doesn’t end with conception
- Get a life — learn to cook
- How not to act like an jerk when you’re obviously wrong
- Spelling — Even you can get it right
- Understanding your financial incompetence
- You — The Weaker Sex
- Reasons to give flowers
- How to stay awake after sex
- Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom
- Garbage — Getting it to the curb
- You can fall asleep without “It” if you really try
- The morning dilemma if “It’s” awake. Take a shower
- I’ll wear it if I damn well please
- How to put the toilet lid down (formerly “No, it’s not a bidet”)
- “The weekend” and “sports” are not synonyms
- Give me a break! Why we know your excuses are BS
- How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost
- The remote control — Overcoming your dependency
- Romanticism – Ideas other than sex
- Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes
- Mother-in-laws — They are people, too
- Male bonding — Leaving your friends at home
- You too can be a designated driver
- Seeing the true you (formerly “No, you don’t look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!”)
- Changing your underwear — It really works
- Techniques for calling home