Category Archives: Word Play

Fuck You

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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word “Fuck”. It is a magical word; one that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. Linguistically, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active adverb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck) or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John) and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of “Fuck”.

Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

  • Greetings: “How the fuck are you?”
  • Fraud: “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
  • Dismay: “Oh, fuck it!”
  • Trouble: “Well, I guess I’m fucked now!”
  • Aggression: “Fuck You!”
  • Disgust: “Fuck me!”
  • Confusion: “What the fuck….?”
  • Difficulty: “I don’t understand this fucking business…”
  • Despair: “Fucked again!”
  • Incompetence: “He fucks up everything!”
  • Displeasure: “What the fuck is going on here?”
  • Lost: “Where the fuck are we?”
  • Disbelief: “Unfuckingbelievable!”
  • Retaliation: “Up your fucking ass!”

It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole!” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five-fucking thirty!” It can be used in business — “How the hell did I end up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal, as in “Mother Fucker”. It can be political — “Fuck Bill Clinton!”

And never forget General Custer’s last words: “Where did all them fucking Indians come from?” Also, the famous last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that?” And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic, who said, “Where did all this fucking water come from?”

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word! How can anyone be offended when you say, “Fuck”? Use it frequently in your daily speech! It adds to your prestige.

Today…Say “Fuck You!” to Someone!!

English Lesson

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We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Reasons Why English is So Hard to Learn

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  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • We must polish the Polish furniture.
  • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  • I did not object to the object.
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  • They were too close to the door to close it.
  • The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  • After a number of injections my jaw got number.
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Curiosity Killed the Cat

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  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Atheism is a non prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest with no woman around to hear him – is he still wrong?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
  • What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
  • If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? (then again, maybe this is why sheep are bigger in Texas…)
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The Importance of Correct Punctuation

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Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Jane

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours, Jane

A Useful Tip

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In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity.

Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.

Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast.

Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity.

In short: “Be brief and don’t use big words.”

Some Twisted Sayings

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  • Dyslexics have more fnu
  • Clones are people, two
  • Entropy isn’t what it used to be
  • Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
  • Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses
  • Eschew obfuscation
  • 186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
  • Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor
  • Anything free is worth what you pay for it
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization
  • COLE’S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage
  • Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
  • Editing is a rewording activity
  • Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy
  • I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure
  • My reality check just bounced
  • Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery
  • No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn’t work anyway
  • Boycott shampoo… Demand REAL poo!
  • IRS – Be audit you can be

Great T-Shirt Slogans

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  • So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
  • I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
  • God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
  • If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going
  • My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
  • (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah!
  • (On the back of a Harley-rider) If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
  • I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
  • What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About?
  • (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
  • I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
  • Liberal Arts Major…Will Think For Money
  • IRS – Be Audit You Can Be
  • Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
  • Coffee, Chocolate, Men…Some Things Are Just Better Rich
  • Gravity… It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s The Law.
  • If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen
  • In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s The Risk You Take.
  • First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order.
  • I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

More Great T-Shirt Slogans

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  • “Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time”
  • “Frankly, Scallop, I Don’t Give a Clam” – seen on Cape Cod
  • “That’s It! I’m Calling Grandma!” – seen on an 8 year old
  • “Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up”
  • “Procrastinate Now”
  • “Rehab Is for Quitters”
  • “My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse – He Couldn’t Do Better and I Couldn’t Do Worse”
  • “My Dog Can Lick Anyone”
  • “Real Men Don’t Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair”
  • “I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts — Do You Want Fries With That?”
  • “Party — My Crib – Two A.M.” – Made up to look like an invitation on a baby-size shirt
  • “If a woman’s place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!”
  • “FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.”
  • “I’M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I’VE GOT A GUN”
  • “Filthy, Stinking, Rich — Well, Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad”
  • “A hangover is the wrath of grapes”
  • “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance”
  • “STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!”
  • “Where there’s a will I want to be in it”
  • “How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?”
  • “He who dies with the most toys is still dead”
  • “HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON’T BELIEVE IN GOSH”
  • “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.”
  • “HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!”
  • “The trouble with life is there’s no background music.”
  • “IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?”
  • “Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.”
  • “MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT”
  • “Computer programmers don’t byte, they nybble a bit.”
  • “Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.”
  • “NyQuil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.”
  • “Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.”

Fortune Cookies You’ll Never See

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  • “Virgin like balloon … one prick, all gone.”
  • “Baseball wrong … man with four balls cannot walk!”
  • “Work to become, not to acquire.”
  • “A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”
  • “Ok for shit to happen … will decompose.”
  • “Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.”
  • “It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
  • “Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed.”
  • “Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary.”
  • “Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.”
  • “Man who drive like hell bound to get there!”
  • “Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!”
  • “War not determine who’s right, war determines who’s left.”
  • “Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.”
  • “Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”
  • “Passionate kiss like spider web — lead to undoing of fly.”
  • “Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.”
  • “Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night”
  • “Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.”
  • “Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.”