- Upon delivery, you discover the egg contains a pair of pantyhose.
- Thousands of years of evolution shot all to hell.
- Sure, you can *buy* them now — but you have to wait over 18 years before you can legally have sex with your purchase.
- Health conscious models always removing the yolks first.
- Conception only possible with sperm from an androgynous rock star.
- Baby will insist that umbilical cord be cut only by Vidal Sassoon himself.
- Child Protective Services worker just doesn’t appreciate how it can eventually get to you when every time you tell him to take out the trash, he enigmatically whispers, “Obsession.”
- Other kids and their vicious taunts: “Don’t hate me because I’m sunny-side up!”
- You’ll spend a king’s ransom for ipecac syrup for the baby.
- The kid grows up to resent you because that willowy frame, those long thin legs and those exquisitely tiny hands kept him off the varsity football team.
- Photo shoot wind machine keeps blowing your boys upstream.
- With your luck, you’ll get the egg with recessive supermodel genes and dominant webmaster genes.
- Tough for Mr. Tripp to explain to perfectly-fertile wife, Linda.
- Upside: Your daughter looks like Kathy Ireland!
Downside: Your daughter thinks like Kathy Ireland! - Model eggs rebel at the very thought of being inseminated with *your* ugly-ass nerd sperm.
Category Archives: Fun Lists
Possible Metric Conversions
Found in a scientist’s trash can:
- 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
- 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
- 365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
- 500 millenaries = 1 seminary
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 10 cards = 1 decacards
- 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
- 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
- 2000 British Troops in Ireland = 2 kilohenry
- 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
- 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
- 1 trillion grams of brown marijuana = 1 Terracotta pot
- 1 million billion piccolos = 1 gigolo
- 10 rations = 1 decoration
- 100 rations = 1 C-ration
- 10 millipedes = 1 centipede
- 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
- 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
- 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
- 2 monograms = 1 diagram
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
- 2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa
How the Media Would Handle the End of the World
- USA Today
WE’RE DEAD. - Wall Street Journal
Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends. - National Enquirer
O.J. and Nicole, Together Again. - Inc. Magazine
10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse. - Rolling Stone
The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour. - Sports Illustrated
Game Over. - Playboy
Girls of the Apocalypse. - Ladies Home Journal
Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New “Armageddon” Diet! - TV Guide
Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar! - Discover Magazine
How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos? - Microsoft Systems Journal
Netscape Loses Market Share. - Microsoft’s Web Site
If you don’t experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE. - America OnLine
System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.
Lost Dr. Seuss Books
Here’s a list of the lost Dr Seuss books…
- The Cat in the Blender
- Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
- Fox in Detox
- Who Shat in the Hat?
- Horton Hires a Ho
- The Flesh-Eating Lorax
- How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
- Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
- Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
- One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
- Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Hell Out!
- Are You My Proctologist?
- Yentl the Lentil
- My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
- Aunts in My Pants
- Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
- Horton Fakes an Orgasm
- The Grinch’s Ten Inches
- The Cat In The Hat Is A Convicted Pedophile
- Salmonella Infected Eggs And Ham
You Know Your Life Stinks When…
- A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
- Your over 25 and still live with your parents or some other relative. If you are 30 or more, well enough said…
- You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.
- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft. (Actually, you just remembered you don’t even own a car like that.)
- You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
- Your children’s school calls to surrender.
- The bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice.
- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
- Your plants do better when you do *not* talk to them.
- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.
Kinds of Poopies
- Ghost Poopie
The kind where you feel the poopie come out but there is no poopie in the toilet. - Clean Poopie
The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. - Wet Poopie
The kind where you wipe you butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won’t ruin them with a stain. - Second-Wave Poopie
This happens when you are done poopie-ing and you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more. - Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie
The kind you strain so much to get out you practically have a stroke. - Lincoln-Log-Poopie
The kind that is so huge, you are afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. - Gassy Poopie
It’s so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling. - Drinker Poopie
The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It’s most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. - Corn Poopie
(Self-explanatory) - Gee I Wish I Could Poopie
The kind where you want to poopie but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. - Spinal Tap Poopie
That’s when it hurts so badly coming out you could swear it was coming out sideways. - Wet-Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)
The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water. - Liquid Poopie
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl. - Mexican Poopie (Flame Thrower)
It smells so bad your nose burns. - Upper-Class Poopie
The kind of poopie that doesn’t smell. - Surprise Poopie
You’re not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but oops! a poopie! - The Dangling Poopie (Sort of like hardening glue)
This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.
Things You Will Never See On Jesse Helms’ Website
- “Jesse’s Gay Chat Room – Y’all Come On Out!”
- “The RuPaul Fashion Page”
- “Click here for Jesse’s Fantasy Date with Jenny McCarthy”
- Fan letter from Susan Sarandon
- Any recipes that use the word “Shitake”
- A link to the Lesbian Non-Smokers Against Firearms web page
- Calendar of upcoming cross burnings
- Photo of Jesse attempting to organize a mosh pit during recent Neil Diamond concert
- “Your Civil Rights as a Non-Christian, Non-White, Non-Male, Non-Citizen”
- “Jesse’s Favorite Soul Food Recipes”
- Two words: Prostate Cam
- “Louis Farrakhan’s Online Bow Tie Shop”
- “The Best Drugs for Doin’ the Nasty”
- A counter saying anything but, “You are visitor number 00000.”
- “This page funded in part by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.”
It Was So Cold…
- It was so cold that we emptied the freezer and sat inside it to warm up.
- It was so cold that as I drove to work, I saw a group of people pushing a house down the street, trying to push-start the furnace.
- It was so cold last night that our snowman knocked on the door and asked if he could sleep on the couch.
- It was so cold that when my friend’s dad went out to milk his cows, what came out was ice cream.
- It was so cold that snow flakes froze in mid air and birds had to hop from one to another to reach the feeder.
Irritations of Life
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There’s always a car riding your tail when you’re slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- It’s bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don’t realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
- The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
- There’s a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you’re trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you’re standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won’t pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn’t tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can’t find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
The Truth About Investment
- Stock
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50. - Bond
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com. - Broker
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke. - Bear
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you. - Bull
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter. - Margin
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you’re supposed to be listening to your manager’s presentation. - Short Position
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn’t actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. “The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I’m a little short this month.”). - Commission
The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one. - Yak
What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.