I’m Not Saying She’s Easy, But…

  • She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
  • She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
  • She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.
  • She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
  • She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
  • She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.
  • She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.
  • She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.
  • She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.
  • She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.
  • She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.
  • She’s spent more time under men than barstools.
  • She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.
  • She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.
  • She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.
  • She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
  • Her body has been declared a national recreation area.
  • Her diaphragms come with a service contract.
  • She uses industrial strength douche.
  • Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.
  • Her pantyhose has a pet door.

I Love Her, But…

(A collection of men’s thoughts on their women.)

  • … she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild, the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.
    –Howard, Dodge City, Kan.
  • … she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat breakfast, let alone what she’d have?
    –Ted, Wexford, Pa.
  • … what’s mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she’s cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears my boxers. I’m tempted to switch to briefs just to see what she’d do.
    –Dave, Martha’s Vineyard, Mass.
  • … she makes lists. Things to buy. Things to do. People to call. If it’s not on the list, it doesn’t get done. Once, to be funny, I put “sex” on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it doesn’t get done.
    –Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.
  • … you can hear her eat soup from the next room.
    –Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.
  • … when she gets an idea in her head, there’s no stopping her. And no rest for anyone until it’s done. It’s not so bad when the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it’s to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.
    –Jim, Minneapolis
  • … my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.
    –Miles, Shreveport, La.
  • … every so often boom! she’s a brunette. Or I come home to a redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.
    –Cary, Seattle
  • … she’ll brush her teeth but she won’t go to the dentist. She says she’s not afraid of the pain, she just doesn’t want to put herself in the hands of any fellow who’d choose to be a dentist.
    –Terence, Gary, Ind.
  • … she’s stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know she’s a natural blonde.
    –Ned, Tucson, Ariz.
  • … she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.
    -Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.
  • … have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you’d be able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?
    –Arthur, Cedar City, Utah
  • … my wife’s allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she’d suffocate.
    –Bryan, Toledo, Ohio
  • … after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, ” … and, oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to pick up her dry cleaning …”
    –Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.
  • … in bed I’m her high school teacher, captain of the football team, her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman, a cop. Once in a while I’d like to be me.
    –Neil, Orlando, Fla.
  • … she wears these false eyelashes. She left ’em lying around and I slammed ’em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared me half to death.
    –Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.
  • … she takes those soaps too seriously. I’ll come home and find her in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent guy’s having a fictional affair.
    –Archie, St. Louis
  • … she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they’re crowded and plebeian. She doesn’t even look at the reduced rack, other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.
    –Conrad, Wilmington, Del.
  • … it annoys her that our children look like me.
    –James, New Orleans
  • … counting my wife and our teenage girls, that’s four women. Somebody’s always got PMS.
    –Everett, Little Rock, Ark.
  • … with five kids, I don’t have time to complain about my wife. I don’t have time to notice her.
    –Bob, Charleston, W.Va.

If Men Ruled The World

  • Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
  • Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To “I love you.”
  • When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
  • Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.
  • The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
  • At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
  • Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
  • Tanks would be far easier to rent.
  • Garbage would take itself out.
  • Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
  • Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
  • Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn’t help — you STILL wouldn’t remember!)
  • On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off. Mother’s Day, too.
  • St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
  • But it would be celebrated every month.
  • Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks.
  • The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  • Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
  • Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

How Men Could Win

  • Call her the next day.
  • Always laugh at her jokes.
  • Tell her (truthfully!) that you can’t wait to see her again.
  • Offer her a back rub, without asking for one in return.
  • Call her just to say you were thinking about her.
  • Bring her a teddy bear and chicken soup when she’s sick.
  • Write her a poem, even if it’s not very good.
  • Slow dance with her (not only on a dance floor).
  • Bring her flowers for no reason.
  • Send her a (handwritten) letter just to say hello.
  • Always remember your anniversaries and bring her something sweet, preferably chocolate.
  • Kiss her in the middle of a sentence.
  • Take her for a walk at sunset and stay to look up at the stars.
  • Tell her something about you that no one else knows.
  • Remind her that you think she’s beautiful. Keep saying it. She’ll never get tired of this one!
  • Take a bubble bath together.
  • Watch a sappy movie with her.
  • Surprise her with a candlelight dinner.
  • Never stop trying to impress her.
  • Tell her you love her.
  • Never forget how much she means to you.

Harleys

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hangout with anyone you want in Heaven.”

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hangout with God.”

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?”

God said, “Ah, yes.”

“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

  • There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
  • It chatters constantly at high speeds.
  • Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
  • The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
  • The maintenance costs are outrageous.

“Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.” God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

“Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

Reasons Why Handguns are Better than Women

  • You can buy a silencer for a handgun.
  • You can trade a .44 for two .22’s.
  • You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.
  • If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.
  • Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.
  • Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.
  • A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
  • Handguns function normally every day of the month.
  • A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”
  • A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.
  • You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.
  • A handgun doesn’t care how big your trigger finger is.
  • A handgun won’t tell all of its friends if you are a “little fast on the trigger”…

Reasons Why Guitars are Better Than Women

  • A guitar has a volume knob
  • If you break a guitar’s G-string, it only costs $. 79 for a new one
  • You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to
  • You can unplug a guitar
  • You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more
  • Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset
  • You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested
  • You can have a guitar any color you want and no one will care
  • You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a peg.
  • If your guitar doesn’t make sounds you like, you can retune it
  • You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar
  • If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set
  • You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to *your* liking
  • If you scratch a guitar’s back, it’s unintentional, not required
  • You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free
  • It’s good to have a guitar that’s stretched out.
  • You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling embarrassed
  • You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before you.
  • You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective covering.
  • You can get rich playing a guitar, not broke.
  • A guitar doesn’t take half of everything you own when you sell it.

Why It’s Great to be a Guy

  • Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
  • You know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
  • A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  • Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
  • You can open all your own jars.
  • Old friends don’t care if you’ve lost or gained weight.
  • When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
  • You don’t have to lug a bag of “necessary” items with you everywhere you go.
  • You can go to the bathroom alone.
  • Your last name stays put.
  • You can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
  • You can kill your own food.
  • The garage is all yours.
  • You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  • You see the humor in “Terms of Endearment.”
  • Cleaning the toilet is optional.
  • You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
  • Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  • If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
  • Your underwear costs $7.50 for a pack of 3.
  • None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
  • You don’t have to shave below your neck.
  • You don’t have to curl up next to some big, hairy guy every night.
  • If you’re 34 and single, no one notices.
  • Chocolate is just another snack.
  • You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
  • Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.
  • You never have to worry about other’s feelings.
  • Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
  • You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
  • You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
  • Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  • You don’t care if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.
  • You can watch a game in silence for hours without your buddy thinking, “He must be mad at me.”
  • One mood, all the time.
  • You can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve yourself to look like him.
  • Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
  • Wedding dress $2000, Tux rental $100 bucks.
  • You don’t care if someone is talking behind your back.
  • You don’t pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else’s.
  • The remote is yours and yours alone.
  • You need not pretend you’re “freshening up” when you go to the bathroom.
  • If you don’t call your buddy when you said you would, he won’t tell your friends you’ve changed.
  • If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
  • The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  • If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
  • New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  • You think the idea of punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.
  • If you retain water, it is in a canteen.

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5 and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the Uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

Signed,
A Troubled User


Dear Troubled User,

This is a very common problem. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely an Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating system files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings: Maintenance/Child Support”.

I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0. I suggest installing the background application program Yes_Dear to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding “General Partnership Faults (GPFs)”.

You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs tend to be somewhat cyclical, occurring approximately 28 days apart. The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:YES_DEAR because ultimately you will have to use the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but tends to require very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs such as Clean_and_Sweep 3.0, Cook_It 1.5 (which replaces Burn_It 1.0) and Do_Bills 4.2. You must however be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag_Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Man, I’m Glad I’m a Man, Man!

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail
I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale
I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house
I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry
I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’
Man, I’m glad I’m a man.