Category Archives: Cars/Driving

His and Hers Road Trip

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HERS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
  2. Opens window
  3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
  4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
  2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
  3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
  4. Finally rolls down window.
  5. Hocks a loogie.
  6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
  7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
  8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
  9. Gets back into car.
  10. Farts.
  11. After he closes the door.
  12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
  13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
  14. Almost hits a deer.
  15. Curses the night.
  16. Curses you.
  17. Curses the large slurpee.
  18. Stops by the side of the road.
  19. Takes a leak.
  20. Still taking a leak.
  21. Almost done.
  22. I think.
  23. Returns to car.
  24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
  25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
  26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
  27. He hates your sister.
  28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
  29. He had to look up pernicious.
  30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
  31. Finally found a dictionary.
  32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
  33. Seethes at the memory of it all
  34. But she is laughing inside…
  35. And of course you’re still lost.

Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos

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Yu*go (yoo-go)
n.     1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
        2) 4×4 hood ornament.
adj. 1) What doesn’t happen when you press the accelerator.

Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use.

What do Yugos have in common with Ferraris?
– A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
– A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff’s edge…

Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
2) Push off cliff.
3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!)

A man entered an auto parts store…
Man: “I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo.”
Clerk: “Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade.”

I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. …with the tow in the front.

Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.

“The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night… The men are being held as suspects in the city’s first push-by shooting.”

Q. What comes with every Yugo User’s Manual?
A. The bus schedule.

From the Yugo owner’s manual: “If you sense an impending accident with
any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly:

  1. place head between legs,
  2. lock hands behind head,
  3. Repeat: “Our Father, who art in heaven…”

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What’s left? About $1200 of “dealer prep.”

Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!

Q. What’s the most wasteful way to spend money?
A. Buy a car alarm for a Yugo.

Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

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  • Sleep ’til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
  • Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
  • Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
  • Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
  • Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
  • No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
  • Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
  • LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
  • You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.
  • You’ll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.
  • That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
  • Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.
  • Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD’s in Quantum Physics.
  • Bugs never see you comin’.
  • Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan “It’s there before you order or it’s free!”
  • License plate: “Me=mc2”
  • Cigarette butts don’t land in the backseat — they land in last week
  • Chicks dig it.

Elderly Drivers

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

Driving in California

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Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:

  • Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

  • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

  • Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.

  • Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

  • Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

  • Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if s/he is cute.

  • Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.

  • Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.

  • Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

Fun Things to do When Driving

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  • Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
  • Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
  • At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
  • Two words: Chicken suit.
  • Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
  • Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
  • Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
  • Stop at the green lights.
  • Go at the red ones.
  • Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
  • Eat food that requires silverware.
  • Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
  • Sing without having the radio on.
  • Honk frequently without motivation.
  • Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
  • Ask people for Grey Poupon.
  • Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
  • Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
  • Restart your car at every stop light.
  • Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
  • Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
  • While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
  • Paint your car with occult symbols.
  • Keep at least five cats in the car.
  • Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
  • Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
  • Stop and collect road kill.
  • Stop and pray to road kill.
  • Throw Spam.
  • Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.

Excuses for Driving Accidents

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What follows are REAL excuses from drivers when asked to sum up their accident in the fewest words possible:

  • The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran him over.
  • I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
  • The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
  • The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
  • I collided with a stationary truck which was coming the other way.
  • A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
  • My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
  • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
  • A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
  • In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

How To Tell Where a Driver is From

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  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn
    • Chicago
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window
    • New York
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator
    • Boston
  • One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator
    • California.
  • With gun in lap
    • Los Angeles
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
    • Ohio, but driving in California
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
    • Italy
  • One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game
    • Seattle
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window
    • Texas city male
  • One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road
    • Texas country male
  • One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment
    • Texas female.
  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car
    • Colorado.
  • One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for unmarked State Patrol cars and landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter
    • Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
  • Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna
    • West Virginia male.
  • Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel
    • Las Vegas.
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on
    • Florida “seasoned citizen” driver, also known as “no-see-um.”
  • Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn
    • New Mexico resident

Don’t Look at the Math too Closely!

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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off?……. I think not.

Signs You’ve Bought a Cheap Car

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  • Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
  • The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
  • The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
  • The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk.”
  • The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
  • Shadow Traffic warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.
  • The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries not included”-
  • You fill up the tank with unleaded coal.
  • You can only go to restaurants that offer valet pushing.
  • When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumb down.