- Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
- “I wish I could play my normal game…just once.”
- “Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.”
- If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
- Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
- The term “mulligan” is really a contraction of the phrase “maul it again.”
- A “gimme” can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers…neither of whom can putt very well.
- An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
- Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
- I play in the low 80s. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.
- If your best shots are the practice swing and the “gimme Putt”, you might wish to reconsider this game.
- Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you’ve reached after you’ve reached it.
- Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
- Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work… and both are expensive.
- The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
- To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly.
- In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers… they shoot a “six,” yell “fore” and write “five.”
- Swing easy. Hit hard.
- If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf…it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business.
- Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand?
- Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
God and Moses Were Out Golfing
…They were both doing well. Then they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,”God, everytime you use your driver you always slice it.”
So God said, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he approched the ball, got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, “See God, I told you that would happen. I’ll get it this time but you’ll have to get it next time.” So Moses went out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that, everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole straight away, with a long lake on the right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God took out his driver.
Moses said, “God, last time you used your driver you sliced it. You always slice it.”
And God repeated, “If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it.” So he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, “I got the last one.” So God walked on the water, bent over, picked up the ball.
About this time there was a foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was doing and asked Moses, “Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?”
Moses replied, “No. He thinks he’s Arnold Palmer!”
You Have All the Equipment
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing? She says, “Reading my book.”
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!”
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.”
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.”
To which the lady replied, “Yes, but you have all the equipment!”
Dear Forest Service…
These are supposedly actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips.
- “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
- “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
- “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
- “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
- “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
- “All the mile markers are missing this year.”
- “Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.”
- “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
- “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
- “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
- “Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
- “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
- “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
- “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
- “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.”
- “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
- “Too many rocks in the mountains.”
Fore Better or Worse
- In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
- Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
- Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
- Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
- The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
- There’s no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
- Golf was once a rich man’s sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
- An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
- Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Football Fans
A Viking Fan, a Bears Fan, and a Packer Fan were standing side-by-side using the urinal.
The Viking Fan finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands… clear up to his elbows… he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, “I graduated from the University of Minnesota, and they taught us to be clean.”
The Bears Fan finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from the University of Illinois, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”
The Packer Fan zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Wisconsin, and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”
Guess What They are Talking About
- The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
- He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
- He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!
- It’s a game of inches.
- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
- When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.
- He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
- He found his tight end.
- End around!
- He had to stretch to get it in!
- He gets penetration into their backfield!
- He blows them off!
- He bangs it in!
- He could go all the way!
- He gets it off just in time!
- He goes deep!
- He found a hole and slid through it!
- He pounds it in!
- He beats them off at the movement of the ball
- He’s got great hands!
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Football — Now aren’t you embarrassed!
Fishing Terms Explained
- Catch and Release:
A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it’s limit. - Hook:
A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.
The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook). - Line:
Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend. - Lure:
An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop. - Reel:
A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard. - Rod:
An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish. - School:
A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead. - Tackle:
What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard. - Tackle Box:
A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one. - Test:
The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.
Figure Skating
It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple spin and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his willies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges’ scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the heck can you give that mess 6.0?!”
To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve got to remember, it’s darn slippery out there.
Dumb Sports Quotes
- Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator, “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.”
- Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
- Murray Walker, “The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”
- Greg Norman, “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
- Alan Minter, “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.”
- Terry Venables, “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again”
- Ron Atkinson, “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”
- Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977, “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
- Metro Radio, “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”
- David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: “There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.”
- US TV Commentator, “One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?”