There was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning a week’s vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term “bathroom commode”. But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the “bathroom commode” merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote. Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn’t figure what the woman was talking about. That “BC” business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several people, but they couldn’t imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. My daughter met her husband in the BC.

Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone. Remember, we are a friendly community.

Sincerely, the Campground Owner.

• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
• When smoking a fish, never inhale.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• You’ll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that “breathe” enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You’ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass. You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• A large carp can be used for a pillow.
• Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read “Beat on a rock in stream.”
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It’s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
• A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.