- The player will furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
- Owner of the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
- Unlike regular golf, the object of the game is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
- For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. The course owner may check the stiffness of the shaft before allowing play to commence.
- Course owner reserves the right to restrict the shaft length, so as to avoid damage to the course.
- The object of the game is to take as many strokes as possible, until the course owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
- Players are cautioned to play the correct hole, as indicated by the course owner.
- It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Experienced players will admire the course, paying special attention to the well formed bunkers.
- Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played recently to the owner of the course presently being played.
- If the course to be played is temporarily under repair, player is advised to find alternate means of play.
- It is considered outstanding form to play the hole several times in one match.
- Course owners shall be the judge of who is the best player.
- It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even that you have played the course.
- Players are encouraged to have the proper rain gear along, just in case.
- Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to play at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner’s request.
- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assesments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Warning…
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game, recently issued this bulletin:
“In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
“We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure:
Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”
Bear Hunting
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said “You’ve got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have sex.” Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said “That was a huge mistake, Frank. You’ve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we’ll have rough sex.” Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.
Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said “Admit it, Frank, you don’t come here for the hunting, do you?”
Signs You’re at a Bad National Park
- The only pictures Ansel Adams took of it were from inside the women’s shower.
- Joe Camel subbing for vacationing Smokey the Bear.
- Extremely troubled Head Ranger who blames anything that goes wrong on Scott Baio.
- A $20 cover and you still gotta pay extra for the lap dances.
- Malnourished bears holding signs that read, “Will caper amusingly for food.”
- According to posted signs, not only may you feed the animals, but afterward, you have a right to expect them to put out.
- Pauly Shore’s face is carved into the side of “Mount Paymore.”
- Bears not only take your picnic basket at gunpoint, but also make off with your Ford Explorer.
- Your view of the scenery is blocked by reactor units #2 and #3.
- “Here we see the oldest mobile home formations in the entire White Trash National Park.”
- Waterfalls seem to lose some of their majestic power whenever someone flushes a toilet.
- Proudly proclaims, “100 percent Spotted Owl Free!”
- When a squirrel runs by, park ranger bolts, screaming, “Run!! Run for your lives!!”
- Every couple hundred feet along the hiking trails — another Starbucks.
- “Old Faithful” turns out to be a vacationing Frank Gifford.
- On the tour, you see more of the Grand Crack in the ranger’s ass than you do of the canyon.
At the Races
Lineup:
- Passionate Lady
- Bare Belly
- Silk Panties
- Conscience
- Jockey Shorts
- Clean Sheets
- Thighs
- Big Dick
- Heavy Bosom
- Merry Cherry
THEY’RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs
and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!
AT THE HALF:
It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got
and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one
final thrust and wins by a head…
Bare Belly shows…Thighs weakens…
Heavy Bosom pulls up…
& Clean Sheets never had a chance.
At the Country Club
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: “Wait here for me.”
His driver responds: “But don’t you see the sign? They’ll kick you out immediately!”
Shloyme says, “I don’t have to tell them I’m Jewish.” and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits… One hour… two hours… three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: “What happened?”
Shloyme says, “Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: ‘Oh, my God, what’ll I do now?’ And then the waters separated and everybody knew…”
Veni, Vidi, Vici
A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, “Veni, vidi, vici.” “I came, I saw, I conquered.” His words echoed throughout two millenia. Until one day…
- Monica Lewinsky gushed, “Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare.” “He came, I slipped, it dribbled.”
- Linda Tripp hissed, “Verboso, memorex, serpentus.” “She told, I taped, I blabbed.”
- Kenneth Starr cheered, “Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!” “It matched! It’s HIS! I GOT him!”
- And Bill Clinton sobbed, “Perjuratum, erratis, manuro”. “I lied – I mean – I didn’t.”
The Washington Hillbillies
To the Beverly Hillbillies Melody
Well dere once was a story ’bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president couldn’t keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin’ at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest…
Boobs, that is. Two of ’em. Bodacious ta ta’s.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, “oh yeah now-don’t say a thing,”
“If you do a good job then we’ll have a little fling.”
Blow job, that is. Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill lost his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, “Clean it up, ‘cuz you really are a mess,
And you’re invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin’ helpin’ of little Willie C.”
Da wiener, that is. Da presidential staff.
So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin’ Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
Bad girl, that is. Cigars. Bodacious ta ta’s.
Well it weren’t too long till we all knew the score,
’bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country’s in da toilet and da people cry, “No More”
But if we oust da cheatin’ jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.
Boob, that is. Great big one. Head stuck up his rear.
So now ya know da story ’bout Bill our president,
Wonderin’ if dis fling’s gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.
Signs Your Presidential Candidate is Underqualified
- Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
- Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”
- His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”
- Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
- Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”
- At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”
- Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
- Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”
- On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a lifeline.
That Would Be a Tragedy
President George W. Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the 4th grade classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So the President asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.”
“No” says Bush, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raises her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not” explains the President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, way in the back of the room, a boy named Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Correct” exclaims Bush, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” Little Johnny said, “because, like you just told us, it wouldn’t be an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn’t be a great loss.”