Veni, Vidi, Vici

A long time ago, Julius Caesar declared, “Veni, vidi, vici.” “I came, I saw, I conquered.” His words echoed throughout two millenia. Until one day…

  • Monica Lewinsky gushed, “Orgasmus, slidici, incontinare.” “He came, I slipped, it dribbled.”
  • Linda Tripp hissed, “Verboso, memorex, serpentus.” “She told, I taped, I blabbed.”
  • Kenneth Starr cheered, “Gerministi! Homonisti! Felonisti!” “It matched! It’s HIS! I GOT him!”
  • And Bill Clinton sobbed, “Perjuratum, erratis, manuro”. “I lied – I mean – I didn’t.”

Monica’s Wish

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

“Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!” she exclaimed.

“No,” said the genie, “You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.”

“Let’s see,” says Monica, “I don’t need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don’t need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I’ll have all the money I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that’s it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.”

Poof! And just like that..her ears fell off.

Revelations in Barbara Walters’ Interview with Monica

  • She just did it all to meet Roger Clinton.
  • “Bill CLINTON?!? All this time, I thought they were saying Bill *CLIFTON*, this guy I met at Starbucks! Hey, everybody, never mind, okay? My bad.”
  • Deal with Ken Starr included private “oral deposition” and “lap dance for immunity.”
  • Monica admits the President’s DNA was on that blue dress, but she swears the stain was already there when she borrowed the dress from George Stephanopoulos.
  • The President was really sorry there wasn’t more room under his desk for snuggling.
  • While in the throes of passion, Bill promised Monica Delaware and Rhode Island.
  • The most powerful man on the planet is deathly afraid of teeth.
  • She never actually wore a thong; her size 14 ass just made it look that way.
  • It’s damn near impossible to say “fellatio” without an “L” sound.
  • There’s a 200-year-old collection of Presidential chewing gum under the Oval Office desk.
  • Pet name for the Presidential appendage: “Little Rock”
  • Things really got confusing when the president suggested she, “Take a trip to Mount Vernon.”
  • She’s a vapid, brainless dullard desperate for any pitiful shred of media exposure. And we learn some things about Monica as well.