Astrological Prayers

  • Aries
    Dear God, please give me patience… and could you do it right now?
  • Taurus
    Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.
  • Gemini
    Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?
  • Cancer
    Dear God!!!
  • Leo
    Yes?
  • Virgo
    Dear God, please make us perfect and don’t mess it up like You did the last time.
  • Libra
    Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
  • Scorpio
    Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don’t deserve it!
  • Sagittarius
    Dear Lord, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
  • Capricorn
    Dear God! I’d like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
  • Aquarius
    Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
  • Pisces
    Dear Lord, as long as I’m going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.

A Conversation Between God and Adam

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, “Adam, come over here and sit down!”. And Adam did so. “Adam,” spoke the Creator, “I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.”

Adam said nothing in response.

“So,” continued the Lord, “I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!”

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

“This person,” said the Lord, “will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.”

Adam looked grateful.

“This person,” said the Lord, “will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.”

Adam looked thoughtful.

“This person,” emphasized the Lord, “will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!”

Adam really looked relieved.

“And, lastly,” said the Lord, “She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.”

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

“Okay, Lord, but what is this going to cost me?”

“An arm and a leg,” said the Almighty.

“Well,” Adam then said, “So what can I get for a rib?”

The Bible in 50 Words or Less

God made, Adam bit, Noah arked, Abraham split, Jacob fooled, Joseph ruled, Bush talked, Moses balked, Pharaoh plagued, People walked, Sea divided, Tablets guided, Promises landed, Saul freaked, David peeked, Prophets warned, Jesus born, God walked, Love talked, Anger crucified, Hope died, Love rose, Spirit flamed, Word spread, God remained. Amen.

The Second Chance

A Jew, a Greek, and an Italian man all die in a plane crash. They are standing before the Lord, and the Lord tells them, “I am going to give you one more chance. I’ll send you back to earth on one condition: that you give up your bad habits.”

They all say, “We will, we will. Please let us live again!” The Italian man agrees to give up eating compulsively. The Jewish man promises to give up thinking of money all the time. And the Greek man vows not to constantly think about sex.

Suddenly they find themselves back on earth, walking down the street. Before they even get a chance to say anything to each other about what has just happened, the Italian man sees a restaurant and begins to salivate. He starts running toward the restaurant when POOF! He disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Just then, the Jewish man sees a dime on the street a couple of feet away. He steps forward, bends over to pick it up, and POOF! Both he and the Greek disappear.

Biblical Bloopers

Here are Biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:

FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT
  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
  • Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
  • The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
  • Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
  • Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
  • The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
  • Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
  • Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

  • FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT
  • When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
  • St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before – they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
  • The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
  • A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
  • The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
  • One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
  • When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
  • St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

The Real First Page of the Bible

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the actual “first page” of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

“Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark are called ‘stars’. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In no way should this be construed as a sign that there is, beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.”

The Good Old Days

People over 35 should be dead. Here’s why. According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, or even maybe the early 70’s probably shouldn’t have survived.

  • Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
  • We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, …. and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)
  • As children, we would ride in cars with no seatbelts or air bags.
  • Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
  • We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
  • We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
  • We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
  • We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
  • We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.
  • No one was able to reach us all day. NO CELL PHONES!!!!!
  • We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.
  • We had friends! We went outside and found them.
  • We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt.
  • We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
  • They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents?
  • We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.
  • We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.
  • We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.
  • Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.
  • Some students weren’t as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors!
  • Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
  • Our actions were our own.
  • Consequences were expected.
  • The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
  • This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.
  • The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
  • We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you’re one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good !!!!!

People under 30 are WIMPS!

Good Paying American Jobs

Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 6:00 am. While his coffee pot (made in Japan) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how much he can spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), and, as has been his daily task for months, goes looking for a good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can’t find that “good paying American job.”

Using the “F” Word

We all know that it isn’t polite to use the “F” word! There are only ten times in history the “F” word has been acceptable for use:

10. “What the f__was that? – Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945

9. “Look at them f__ing Indians!” – Custer, 1876

8. “Any F___ing idiot could understand that..” – Einstein, 1938

7. “It does so f__ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1928

6.”How the f__did you work that out?” – Pythagorus, 126BC

5. “You want WHAT on the f__ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566

4. “Where the f__are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. “Scattered f__ing showers….My Ass! ‘ – Noah, 4314BC

2. “Aw c’mon. Who the F__’s going to find out? ” -Bill Clinton, 1999

And number #1….

drum roll…..

1. “How f__ing mad can they get?? ” – Saddam Hussein , 2003

Fuck You

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language is the word “Fuck”. It is a magical word; one that just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. Linguistically, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active adverb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck) or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John) and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few words with the versatility of “Fuck”.

Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

  • Greetings: “How the fuck are you?”
  • Fraud: “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
  • Dismay: “Oh, fuck it!”
  • Trouble: “Well, I guess I’m fucked now!”
  • Aggression: “Fuck You!”
  • Disgust: “Fuck me!”
  • Confusion: “What the fuck….?”
  • Difficulty: “I don’t understand this fucking business…”
  • Despair: “Fucked again!”
  • Incompetence: “He fucks up everything!”
  • Displeasure: “What the fuck is going on here?”
  • Lost: “Where the fuck are we?”
  • Disbelief: “Unfuckingbelievable!”
  • Retaliation: “Up your fucking ass!”

It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole!” It can be used to tell time — “It’s five-fucking thirty!” It can be used in business — “How the hell did I end up with this fucking job?” It can be maternal, as in “Mother Fucker”. It can be political — “Fuck Bill Clinton!”

And never forget General Custer’s last words: “Where did all them fucking Indians come from?” Also, the famous last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that?” And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic, who said, “Where did all this fucking water come from?”

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word! How can anyone be offended when you say, “Fuck”? Use it frequently in your daily speech! It adds to your prestige.

Today…Say “Fuck You!” to Someone!!