Office Procedures for Storms

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Office Procedures Concerning Storm and Office Closings

As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the firm’s guidelines based upon the hurricane’s intensity:

  • Hurricane Category #1
    No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.
  • Hurricane Category #2
    Due to the horizontal rain, you may wear jeans.
  • Hurricane Category #3
    Whereas most of the area will be flooded we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building safely without getting wet.
  • Hurricane Category #4
    More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up if Category 4 or above.
  • Hurricane Category #5
    Velcro will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out. For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3:00 pm in the kitchen.

Have A Nice Day!

Thanks,
Management

Dear God…

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A nice young worker from the Post Office, was sorting through her regular envelopes, when she discovered a letter addressed as follows:

GOD
c/o Heaven

Upon opening the envelope, a letter enclosed told of how a little old lady, who had never asked for anything in her life, was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money.

Well, the young lady was deeply touched and arranged a collection from her fellow workmates. She collected $90 and sent it off to the old lady.

A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed to God, so the young lady opened it and it read,

“Dear God,
Thank you for the money, I deeply appreciate it, however I only received $90. It must have been those bastards at the Post Office.”

On the Cruise Ship

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The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Theme Songs for Biblical Characters

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  • Noah: “Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head”
  • Adam and Eve: “Strangers in Paradise”
  • Lazarus: “The Second Time Around”
  • Esther: “I Feel Pretty”
  • Job: “I’ve Got a Right to Sing the Blues”
  • Moses: “The Wanderer”
  • Jezebel: “The Lady is a Tramp”
  • Samson: “Hair”
  • Salome: “I Could Have Danced All Night”
  • Daniel: “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
  • Joshua: “Good Vibrations”
  • Peter: “I’m Sorry”
  • Esau: “Born To Be Wild”
  • Jeremiah: “Take This Job and Shove It”
  • Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: “Great Balls of Fire!”
  • The Three Kings: “When You Wish Upon a Star”
  • Jonah: “Got a Whale of a Tale”
  • Elijah: “Up, Up, and Away”
  • Methuselah: “Stayin’ Alive”
  • Nebuchadnezzar: “Crazy”

Bible Riddles – Noah

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  • What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
    “Now I herd everything”

  • Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
    They kept saying neigh

  • What animal could Noah not trust?
    The cheetah

  • What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
    Flood lights

  • Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
    Noah–he took Ham with him on the ark

  • What did God say when Noah told him he wanted to build the ark out of bricks?
    “No, Noah — go for wood”

  • Why couldn’t they play cards on the ark?
    Noah was sitting on the deck

  • Who was the first canning factory run by?
    Noah-he had a boat full of preserved pairs

  • Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
    No, he came fourth out of the ark

  • Which animal took the most baggage into the arc? What animal tooke the least?
    The elephant took his trunk. But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb between them.

  • Why weren’t there any worms on the arc?
    Because worms come in apples not in pairs.

  • What creatures were not on the arc?
    Fish

  • Where did Noah keep the bees?
    In the ark hives.

  • Who was the best financier in the Bible?
    Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

  • Where was Noah when the lights went out?
    In d’ark.

  • Why couldn’t Noah catch many fish?
    He only had two worms.

  • When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
    When the dove brought the green back to the ark.

  • What did the cat say when the ark landed?
    Is that Ararat?

Bible Riddles

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  • Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
    A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

  • Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
    A. Pharaoh’s daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

  • Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
    A. Ruth-less.

  • Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
    A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.

  • Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
    A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
    A. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
    A. Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
    A. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in a Volkswagen, “We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement.”

  • Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson; he brought the house down.

  • Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
    A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.

  • Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
    A. They were really put out.

  • Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
    A. They really raised Cain.

  • Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

  • Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
    A. As long as he was Abel!

  • Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the Ark?
    A. So long Fellers!

  • Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
    A. They used floodlights.

  • Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
    A. 3 because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.

  • Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
    A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

  • Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
    A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.

  • Q. Who was the first Electrical Engineer?
    A. Noah; he made the ark light on Mt. Ararat.

  • Q. Who ran the the first electronics shop?
    A. Adam; he supplied spare parts for the first loudspeaker.

  • Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
    A. David, he rocked Goliath to sleep.

  • Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
    A. The thought had never entered his head before?

  • Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
    A. No, he already fell for it once.

  • Q. Why did Paul tell Timothy to take just a little wine for the sake of his stomach?
    A. Because it was Paul’s bottle.

  • Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
    A. Turn right and go straight.

  • Q. Why won’t we drink milk in the new world?
    A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.

  • Q. Why shouldn’t Christians watch TV?
    A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, “Tell the vision to no one.”

  • Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
    A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.

  • Q. Who was known as a Mathematician in the Bible?
    A. Moses, he wrote the book of Numbers.

  • Q. Who was the first man mentioned in the Bible?
    A. Chap One.

  • Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
    A. The area around the Jordan, the banks were always overflowing.

  • Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
    A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, “I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me.”

  • Q. Will there be dogs in the new system?
    A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.

  • Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
    A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.

  • Q. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible?
    A. Bildad the shuhite
    A. Nehemiah (knee-hi-miah!)
    A. The man who fell asleep in his watch.

  • Q. Who is the largest woman in the Bible
    A. The woman of Samaria.

  • Q. Which is the first instance of tennis playing in the Bible?
    A. Moses served in the courts of Pharaoh.

  • Q. What is the first instance of cannibalism in the Bible?
    A. 2 Kings 8:1.

  • Q. What is the first instance of cricket in the Bible?
    A. Peter stood up before the 11 and was bold.

  • Q. What is the first instance of beer drinking in the Bible?
    A. Peter stood up and took Courage.

BBQ Anyone?

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A Protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics, they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbecuing some juicy steak on Friday nights, they began to squirm.

They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they convinced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:

You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic.

And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:

You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish.

Bats in the Belfry

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Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything–noise, spray, cats–nothing seems to scare them away.”

Another said “Yeah, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third said, “I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!!!”

At the Game

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Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there…”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there …”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there …”

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any Catholics there.”

Atheist Holiday?

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An atheist complained to a friend, “Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur; Muslims have their holidays. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists,” he said, “have no recognized national holidays. It’s an unfair discrimination.”

His friend replied, “Well, why don’t you celebrate April first?”