On the Cruise Ship

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

Signs You’re On A Bad Cruise Ship

  • The shuffleboard puck looks suspiciously like a urinal cake.
  • Scheduled entertainment: The comedy stylings of Kato Kaelin.
  • All activities are scheduled for after sundown, and the chefs refuse to cook with garlic.
  • First port of call on your “Surprise Adventures Tour” is East Timor.
  • Six-foot-tall obnoxious mice greet you everywhere you go — and it’s *not* a Disney cruise.
  • The “TrekCruise” brochure said nothing about William Shatner eating all the shrimp before you get to the buffet.
  • “LIFEBOATS?!? We don’t NEED no stinkin’ lifeboats!!”
  • The scenery is nice, but monotonous: two seagulls, a puffy cloud, a sun, then wait ten seconds and it starts over again.
  • Complimentary Polo shirt is yours to keep — after you make a dozen more just like ’em for Kathie Lee at the Guatemala port of call.
  • The Good News: You’ve been invited to dine at the captain’s table.
    The Bad News: Tonight’s entertainment is a live sex show at the captain’s table.
  • Welcome aboard “wine and cheese” buffet consists of Ripple and Velveeta slices.
  • Their ship: Leonardo DiCaprio sketches a tasteful nude of you in your cabin. Your ship: Bobby-Ray spray paints your name on one of the Smokestacks.
  • “And here’s your dance director: The man who invented dancing, Al Gore!”
  • Cruise line name: ValuBoat Destination: Florida Everglades
  • That strong smell of fish is not coming from the sea, but from your cruise director, Julie McCrusty.
  • Attention passengers: Now starting on the Lido Deck is the ship’s Tequila Shots Championship. Come watch undefeated Captain Hazelwood defend his title!”