- Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
- High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
- Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
- Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your attic.
- Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
- X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
- A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
- Convince neighbors that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a MAC Truck outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the MAC Truck unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
- Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
- Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
- A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back to sleep.
Dihydrogen Monoxide is Dangerous
Idaho Falls, Idaho — Dihydrogen monoxide causes thousands of drownings each year, leads to excessive sweating and vomiting and contributes to land erosion. And there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.
Fifteen-year-old Nathan Zohner made people aware of that fact by proving in his science project on critical thinking skills just how vulnerable people are.
Newspapers, magazines, radio and TV stations, universities, even members of Idaho’s Congressional delegation have been calling Nathan in recent weeks to talk about the project that won the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair in April, the Post Register reported Wednesday.
The project asked 50 ninth graders if the compound called dihydrogen monoxide should be banned. Forty-three said yes and six were undecided. Only one person was able to tell Nathan dihydrogen monoxide is just another name for water.
The Skyline High School sophomore said he just wanted to show how easily people can be misled.
“Some of my friends could have done this. It wasn’t that extraordinary. It was just a simple science project that kind of blew up,” he said.
Nathan got the idea after his father, Steven, a nuclear scientist at the Idaho National Engineering and Environmental Laboratory, brought home a flier from an anonymous author describing the “dangers” of dihydrogen monoxide.
Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide!
The Invisible Killer
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
- is also known as hydroxyl acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
- contributes to the “greenhouse effect.”
- may cause severe burns.
- contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
- accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
- may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
- has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
- Contamination Is Reaching Epidemic Proportions!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage in the midwest, and recently California.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
- as an industrial solvent and coolant.
- in nuclear power plants.
- in the production of styrofoam.
- as a fire retardant.
- in many forms of cruel animal research.
- in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
- as an additive in certain “junk-foods” and other food products.
- Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
The Horror Must Be Stopped!
The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its “importance to the economic health of this nation.” In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
Vaara – miehet ostoksilla!
Mies ei kestänyt ostoksilla käyntiä vaimonsa kanssa ja alkoi siksi aiheuttaa ongelmia. Lopulta kauppa lähetti heille kotiin luettelon kaikesta, mitä mies oli tehnyt. Jotkut jutuista ovat todella hillittömiä – pitäisikö meidän itkeä vai nauraa?
Lue ja päätä itse, ja mitä pidemmälle listaa luet, sitä hurjemmaksi meno muuttuu!
”Hyvä Rouva Woolf,
Viimeisten kuuden kuukauden aikana miehenne on aiheuttanut melkoista hämmennystä myymälässämme. Emme voi hyväksyä tällaista käytöstä, ja joudumme siksi antamaan teille molemmille porttikiellon. Miestänne Herra Woolfia koskevat valitukset on lueteltu alla, ja valvontakameramme ovat tallentaneet ne:
- 15. kesäkuuta: Hän otti 24 pakettia kondomeja, ja laittoi niitä sattumanvaraisesti muiden ihmisten ostoskärryihin, kun nämä eivät huomanneet.
- 2. heinäkuuta: Hän laittoi kodinosaston kaikki herätyskellot soimaan 5 minuutin välein.
- 7. heinäkuuta: Hän teki tomaattimehusta lattialle jäljen, joka johti wc-tiloihin.
- 4. elokuuta: Hän meni asiakaspalveluun ja yritti varata pussin perunalastuja.
- 14. elokuuta: Hän siirsi ”VAROITUS – liukas lattia” -kyltin alueelle, jolla oli kokolattiamatto.
- 15. elokuuta: Hän pystytti retkeilyosastolle teltan ja sanoi myymälässä oleville lapsille, että he saisivat tulla telttaan, mikäli hakisivat tyynyjä ja huopia makuuhuoneosastolta. Lapsista 20 teki tämän.
- 23. elokuuta: Kun myymälän työntekijä kysyi, miten hän voisi auttaa, mies alkoi itkeä ja huutaa: ”Miksi ihmiset eivät voi jättää minua rauhaan?” Paikalle kutsuttiin hoitohenkilökuntaa.
- 4. syyskuuta: Hän katsoi suoraan turvakameraan ja käytti sitä peilinä kaivaessaan nenää.
- 10. syyskuuta: Hän piteli asetta kädessään urheiluosastolla ja kysyi samaan aikaan myyjältä, missä masennuslääkkeet olivat.
- 3. lokakuuta: Hän juoksenteli ympäri myymälää ja hyräili äänekkäästi musiikkia elokuvasta ”Mission Impossible”.
- 6. lokakuuta: Hän harjoitteli autotarvikeosastolla ”Madonna-lookiaan” ja laittoi erikokoisia suppiloita päähänsä.
- 18. lokakuuta: Hän piiloutui vaatetelineen taakse ja huusi ”VALITSE MINUT, VALITSE MINUT” vaatteita katseleville ihmisille.
- 22. lokakuuta: Kun kaiuttimista soitettiin kuulutus, mies asettui sikiöasentoon lattialle ja huusi: ”Ei! Ei noita ääniä taas, ei ääniä!”
- 15. marraskuuta: Hän vei kondomipaketin kassalle ja kysyi kassalta, missä sovitushuone oli.
- 23. marraskuuta: Hän meni sovituskoppiin, odotti hetken ja huusi sitten niin kovaa kuin pystyi: ”HALOO! TÄÄLLÄ EI OLE VESSAPAPERIA!”
Ja viimeisimpänä mutta ei vähäisimpänä:
Smarter Already
A customer at Morris’ Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Morris, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Morris replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear, “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Morris.
The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Morris,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. …You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”
“ROAR!”
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar… So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear….”
Right for the Job
Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test.
Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any
instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering.
- If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance.
- If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting.
- If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche.
- If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they’re destined for the help desk.
- If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing.
- If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well.
- If they are sleeping, they are management material.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team.
- If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security.
- If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.
A Game of Numbers
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that read:
“Dear Wife:
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.”
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him at the front desk that read as follows:
“Dear Husband:
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You, being an accountant, will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.”
Merry Whatever
‘Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas – no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a “Holiday “.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears
You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate “Winter Break” under your “Dream Tree”
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday !
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was…let’s see…February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he Wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty…scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and shove it
“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.
“What?” says Roger, startled.
“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have… Oh gosh, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.)
“What?” says Roger.
“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”
“There’s no horse?” says Roger.
“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.
“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
“It’s just that…it’s that I… I need some time,” Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) “Yes,” he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.
“What way?” says Roger.
“That way about time,” says Elaine.
“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes…”
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
“Thank you, Roger,” she says.
“Thank you,” says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
“Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”