What if You Say “Fuck You” to the Heads of States

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  • USA
    You say “fuck you” to the President of USA. Nothing happens, you become famous, they make you write a book and you make millions of dollars. But meanwhile the President sues you and gets all the money you have.

  • England
    You say “fuck you” to the Prime Minister of England. The Prime Minister says “fuck you” to you too.

  • France
    You say “fuck you” to the President of France. Millions of people support you and say “fuck you” to the President. Meanwhile the President of France writes poems because of his sadness.

  • Japan
    You say “fuck you” to the Emperor of Japan. The Emperor bows and says “I velly solly; I not intelested on your body.”

  • Germany
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Germany. The police come and say “Please don’t fuck the President”.

  • Sweden
    You say “fuck you” to the Prime Minister of Sweden. People vote if they accept you to fuck the Prime Minister or not. If the answer is yes, you fuck the Prime Minister. If the answer is no, the Prime Minister shakes your hand.

  • Romania
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Romania. The President starts dancing with you with gypsy music.

  • Turkey
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Turkey. The President takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Greece welcomes him as a political refugee.

  • Greece
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Greece. The president takes his gun and shoots you. He goes to jail for 8 years or escapes the country and Turkey welcomes him as a political refugee.

  • China
    You say “fuck you” to the President of China. The president literally fucks you.

  • Italy
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Italy. You get price quotes from the Mafia for realizing your passion.

  • Russia
    You say “fuck you” to the President of Russia. The president kisses your mouth.

  • Saudi Arabia
    You say “fuck you” to the President … But there is no President, you become foolish. But if you say “fuck you” to the King, the King cuts your tongue out.

    • For Safety’s Sake

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    • Do NOT ride in automobiles: they cause 20% of all fatal accidents.
    • Do NOT stay home: 17% of all accidents do occur in home.
    • Do NOT walk on the streets or sidewalks: 14% of all accidents happen to pedestrians.
    • Do NOT travel by air, rail, or water: 16% of all accidents happen on these.
    • Only .001% of all deaths occur in worship services in church, and these are related to previous physical disorders. Hence, the safest place for you to be at any time is church. Bible study is safe, too. The percentage there is even less. Go to church! IT COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE!

    Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

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    The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”

    Forrest responds “It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

    Saint Peter goes on, “Yes I know, Forrest, but the test I have for you is only three questions. First: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God’s first name?”

    Forrest goes away to think the questions over. The first thing the next morning, Saint Peter returns to the gate to find Forrest already there waiting for him. Peter smiles warmly and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

    Forrest says, “Well, the first one – how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.

    The saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I give you credit for that answer.”

    “How about the next one: How many seconds in a year?”

    “Now that one’s harder” says Forrest, “But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

    Astounded St. Peter says, “Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

    Forest says “Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…..”

    “Hold it,” Saint Peter interrupts. “I see where you’re going with this, and I guess you’re right. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

    Forrest replied, “Andy.”

    “OK, OK,” said a frustrated gatekeeper, “I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

    “That was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learned it from the song! ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own…'”

    5 Lessons to Make You Think About How We Treat People

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    1. First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.

      During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

      “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

      I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

      “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say “hello.”

      I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

    2. Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain

      One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab.

      She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

      It read:
      “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away… God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others.”

      Sincerely,
      Mrs. Nat King Cole.

    3. Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve.

      In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.

      “Fifty cents,” replied the waitress.

      The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired.

      By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

      “Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.

      The little boy again counted his coins.

      “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

      The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies..

      You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

    4. Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path.

      In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

      Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand!

      Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

    5. Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts…

      Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

      I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.” As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded.

      He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away”.

      Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

    Famous Words

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    • “I have always found strangers sexy.”- Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
    • “I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear.”- Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
    • “That rainbow song’s no good. Take it out.”- MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
    • “You’d better learn secretarial skills or else get married.”- Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

    • “Radio has no future.”
      “X-rays are clearly a hoax.”
      “The aeroplane is scientifically impossible.”
      – Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.

    • “You ought to go back to driving a truck.”- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
    • “Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel.”- MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
    • “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”- A film company’s verdict on Fred Astaire’s 1928 screen test.
    • “Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work.”- Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle’s plan for the jet engine.
    • “There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991.”- World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
    • “The Beatles? They’re on the wane.”- The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of Number 1 hits.
    • “The atom bomb will never go off – and I speak as an expert in explosives.”- U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
    • “All saved from Titanic after collision.”- New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
    • “Brain work will cause women to go bald.”- Berlin professor, 1914.
    • “Television won’t matter in your lifetime or mine.”- Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
    • “Everything that can be invented has been invented.”- director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
    • “And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam.”- Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

    EU Directive 456179

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    In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of theUnited Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

    From this date, the correct terminology will be: “Euronating”.

    Thank you for your attention.

    Actual English Subtitles

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    The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:

    • I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
    • Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
    • Gun wounds again?
    • Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
    • A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
    • Darn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken.
    • Take my advice, or I’ll spank you.
    • Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
    • This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.
    • Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.
    • I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
    • You daring lousy guy.
    • Beat him out of recognizable shape!
    • Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.
    • I have been scared silly too much lately.
    • I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
    • Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
    • The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
    • How can you use my intestines as a gift?
    • Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some but of the giant lizard person.
    • You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

    English Lesson

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    We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

    You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

    If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

    Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

    We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

    Reasons Why English is So Hard to Learn

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    • The bandage was wound around the wound.
    • The farm was used to produce produce.
    • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    • We must polish the Polish furniture.
    • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    • I did not object to the object.
    • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    • They were too close to the door to close it.
    • The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    • After a number of injections my jaw got number.
    • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
    • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

    Einstein

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    When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

    “I have and idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

    Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

    When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

    Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

    Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”