Earthquake Safety Tips

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Never let it be said that I am solely interested in entertaining you. Sometimes I come across an article of such helpful significance I feel compelled to share it with you. The following is such an article:

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, “I told you so.”
To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
Experiencing an earthquake is terrifying, but a majority of people caught in one do survive. During the tremors, try to resist the temptation to have sex with pets or houseplants.
Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let’s see Mr. Bear help you now.
For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep and work in doorways.
Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table or your uncle.
If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you’ve wasted your life.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road .. according to Dr. Seuss

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Would you, could you cross the street
On your two small chicken feet?

I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in Japan
To flee Godzilla and Rodan

Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross the road and cluck
And jump to avoid the speeding truck?

Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not, could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you hop across the road
As though you were a garden toad?

Not across the road
as though a toad
Not with a cluck
to avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Would you cross it in the night
Lit by passing car headlight?

Not in the night
With car headlight
Not across the road
As though a toad
Not with a cluck
To avoid a truck
Not in Japan
Godzilla and Rodan
I would not could not cross the street
On my two small chicken feet.
Across the road I will not scram
Even though a fowl I am.

Please dear chicken give it a try
For across the road you can not fly.

Alright! Alright! I’ll give it a try
For it is true, chickens can’t fly.
Hey! It’s not bad, infact it’s neat!
I truly love to cross the street.
Across the road I LOVE to scram.
I cross the road, a fowl I am.

The American Dollar Bill

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A lesson for our citizens in the United States of America as our country just selected our next President. Take out a one dollar bill and look at it. The one dollar bill you’re looking at first came off the presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It is actually material. We’ve all washed it without it falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the contents we will never know. It is overprinted with symbols and then it is starched to make it water resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.

If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see the scales for the balance – a balanced budget. In the center you have a carpenter’s T-square, a tool used for an even cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States Treasury. That’s all pretty easy to figure out, but what is on the back of that dollar bill is something we should all know.

If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles. Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the United States. The First Continental Congress requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men come up with a Seal. It took them four years to accomplish this task and another two years to get it approved. If you look at the left hand circle, you will see a Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted and the western side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had not begun to explore the West or decided what we could do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is uncapped, again signifying that we were not even close to being finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing eye, and ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin’s belief that one man couldn’t do it alone, but a group of men, with the help of God, could do anything.

“IN GOD WE TRUST” is on this currency. The Latin above the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means “God has favored our undertaking.” The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM, means “a new order has begun.” At the base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776.

If you look at the right-hand circle, and check it carefully, you will learn that it is on every National Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida National Cemetery and is the centerpiece of most hero’s monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of the President of the United States and it is always visible whenever he speaks, yet no one knows what the symbols mean. The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory for two reasons: first, he is not afraid of a storm; he is strong and he is smart enough to soar above it. Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just broken from the King of England. Also, notice the shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on its own. At the top of that shield you have a white bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were coming together as one nation.

In the Eagle’s beak you will read, “E PLURIBUS UNUM,” meaning “one nation from many people.” Above the Eagle you have thirteen stars representing the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming together as one.

Notice what the Eagle holds in his talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze turns toward the arrows.

They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a 13th floor. But, think about this: 13 original colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in “E PLURIBUS UNUM”, 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle’s wing, 13 bars on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13 fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And for minorities: the 13th Amendment.

“Why don’t we know this?” Your children don’t know this and their history teachers don’t know this. Too may veterans have given up too much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans remember coming home to an America that didn’t care. Too many veterans never came home at all. Tell everyone what is on the back of the one dollar bill and what it stands for, because nobody else will!

Still More Did You Know..

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Men can read smaller print than women, women can hear better than men. Women can also smell better than men.
Cost of raising a medium sized dog to the age of 11: $6,400.
Average number of people airborne over the U.S. during any given hour: 61,000.
The world’s youngest parents were 8 & 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest Pope was 11 years old.
First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile national monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
- Spades – King David
- Clubs – Alexander the Great
- Hearts – Charlemagne
- Diamonds – Julius Caesar
Over 2,500 left handed people a year are killed from using products made for right handed people.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Astronauts cannot cry. In space, there is no gravity, so the tears can’t flow.
A company in Taiwan makes dinnerware out of wheat, so you can eat your plate.
Percentage of Americans that want to change their bodies in some way: 75%.
Percentage of Americans that would want to change their intelligence: 13%.
A person who is lost and starving can obtain nourishment by chewing on his shoes, provided they are made of leather.
An igloo will stand up to modern artillery better than a concrete barricade. Additionally, they are almost invisible from the air and can’t be spotted by infrared sensors.

More Did You Know…

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If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Dunno about you but it hardly seems worth it!
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 8 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Now that’s more like it!
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. In my next life I want to be a pig! But how’d they figure this out, and why?
Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Don’t try this at home. But maybe at work..
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn’t seem fair!
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. Hmmmmmmmmm…
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. If you’re ambidextrous do you split the difference?

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
From drinking little bottles of…? Did taxpayers pay for this research??

Polar bears are left handed. Who knew….? Who cares? How’d they find out, ask them?
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field. 30 minutes…can you imagine?? And why pigs?
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. Creepy.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. “Honey, I’m home. What the….” *Think of all the problems it would solve, girls: No post-coital snoring, wondering if he’s going to stay for breakfast, waiting for him to sneak out… and ya KNOW he hasn’t been with anyone else 🙂
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig… quality over quantity.
Butterflies taste with their feet. Geez, that’s almost as bad as catfish. Good thing they don’t have sex for pleasure!
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain. I know some people like that.
Starfish don’t have brains. I know some people like that too.

So what has this page taught us? Well, nothing very important. But after reading all these, all I can say is………… Lucky Pigs!

Did You Know?

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that in the early days of sailing, a ship would never set sail on a Friday, it was believed to be bad luck???
that in Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit?
that a law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day?
that a law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines?
that a Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weighs more than three pounds, two ounces?
that Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts?
that the only animal besides human that can get sunburned is the pig?
that ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water?
that an eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it?
that in the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees?
that Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school?
that proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses?
that Formosan termites can eat though metal?

The Death of Common Sense

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We mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died in the United States from heart failure on the brink of the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, factories helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness. For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn’t always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it’s okay to come in second.

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived trends including body piercing, whole language, and “new math.” But his health declined when he became infected with the “If-it-only-helps-one-person-it’s-worth-it” virus.

In recent decades his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero-tolerance policies.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Boy Scouts to professional sports.

Finally, when a woman, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel.

As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, and stepladders.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Obituary author unknown.

Some Daffy Product Instructions

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On a Sears hairdryer:
– Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos:
– You could be a winner!No purchase necessary.Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap:
– Directions:Use like regular soap.

On a Swanson’s frozen dinner:
– Serving suggestion:Defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
– Fits one head.

On a package of Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert:
– Do not turn upside down (printed on the bottom of the box).

On a package of Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
– Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
– Do not iron clothes on body.

On a bottle of Boot’s Children’s Cough Medicine:
– Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
– Warning: may cause drowsiness

On a Korean-made kitchen knife:
– Warning keep out of children.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
– For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a Japanese-made food processor:
– Not to be used for the other use.

On Sunsbury’s peanuts:
– Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
– Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
– Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

On a packet of Sunmaid raisins:
– Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?

Curiosity Killed the Cat

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What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
Atheism is a non prophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
If a man stands in the middle of the forest with no woman around to hear him – is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice?”
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains? (then again, maybe this is why sheep are bigger in Texas…)
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to Cows

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Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.

Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps’ brains and they go mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Capitalism
You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Anarcho-Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Olympics-ism
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the mooo-ving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald’s buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

Enviromentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently – aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Apartheid
You have two cows. You give the black cow’s milk to the white cow to drink and don’t milk the white cow.

Welfare State
You have two cows. You milk them and give them the milk to drink.

United Nations
You have two cows. Russia vetoes the farmer from milking them. Britain and France veto the cows from milking the farmers. USA abstains.

Idealism
You have two cows. You marry and your wife milks them.

Realism
You have two cows. You get married and you still milk them.

Zeitgeist
You have two cows. They are robotic. Everyone gets the electric milk.

Common Sense
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Clintonism
You have two cows. But you milk your neighbors’ cows.

Osamaism
You have two cows. You convert them into biological weapons.

Talibanism
You have two cows. You put them in purdah.

UN-ism
You have two cows. You don’t milk them; you only lecture to them.

The Joke Archives

Thousands of Jokes

Earthquake Safety Tips

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road .. according to Dr. Seuss

The American Dollar Bill

Still More Did You Know..

More Did You Know…

Did You Know?

The Death of Common Sense

Some Daffy Product Instructions

Curiosity Killed the Cat

World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to Cows