Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Jane
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success. Here it goes.
Knowledge is Power
Time is Money and as everyone knows, Power is Work divided by Time.
So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom, we get:
K = P
T = M
P = W/T
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in the first equation, which yields:
K = W/T
Put M in for T into a new equation, which yields:
K = W/M
Now we’ve got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work divided by Money.
What this MEANS is that:
The More You Know, the More Work You Do,
and
The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K
Money equals Work divided by Knowledge.
From this last equation we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get:
W = M x K
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From this equation we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
WARNING: Do NOT calculate Pi in binary. It is conjectured that this number is normal, meaning that it contains ALL finite bit strings. If you compute it, you will be guilty of:
Copyright infringement (of all books, all short stories, all newspapers, all magazines, all web sites, all music, all movies, and all software, including the complete Windows source code)
Trademark infringement
Possession of child pornography
Espionage (unauthorized possession of top secret information)
Possession of DVD-cracking software
Possession of threats to the President
Possession of everyone’s Social Security Number, everyone’s credit card numbers, everyone’s PIN numbers, everyone’s unlisted phone numbers, and everyone’s passwords
Defaming Islam. Not technically illegal, but you’ll have to go into hiding along with Salman Rushdie.
Defaming Scientology. Which IS illegal — just ask Keith Henson.
Also, your computer will contain all of the nastiest known computer viruses. In fact, all of the nastiest POSSIBLE computer viruses.
Some of the files on my PC are intensely personal, and I for one don’t want you snooping through a copy of them.
You might get away with computing just a few digits, but why risk it? There’s no telling how far into Pi you can go without finding the secret documents about the JFK assassination, a photograph of your neighbor’s six year old daughter doing the nasty with the family dog, or complete copies of the not-yet-released Star Wars prequels. So just don’t do it.
The same warning applies to e, the square root of 2, Euler’s constant, Phi, the cosine of any non-zero algebraic number, and the vast majority of all other real numbers.
There’s a reason why these numbers are always computed and shown in decimal, after all.
Meeter’s Kraut Juice (Stokely USA)
Yes, that’s sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports)
The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, “Go on, eat me already.” The second-best thing is the presence of both “cooked mutton” and “mutton” in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.)
If you’re really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you’ll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.)
From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it’s stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat “falling off the bone.”
Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery)
You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it’s a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
Blind Robin’s Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products)
Possibly the world’s most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product’s titular robin isn’t actually blind, he’s blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
Kylmänen Reindeer Pate’ (Kylmänen Oy)
This Finnish canned good may not be particularly tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa’s sleigh team — he didn’t want to end up a cracker spread.
I have actually tasted this one, and it isn’t really as bad as you think. Far worse in my eyes was the instant blood pancake mix that my grandmother insisted on bringing home from Finland, and then preparing for all of her friends. Let’s just say there were not enough preserves in the house to make them palatable.
Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.)
Nothing you’ve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you’re the sort who’s always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
Post Oreo O’s (Kraft Foods, Inc)
A substance, supposedly a breakfast cereal, patterned after the notorious Oreo cookie. Oreo O’s look exactly like used cat litter. They smell and taste so bad dogs won’t eat them. Put milk on Oreo O’s and you have a bowl of something that looks like oily refried beans. If Kraft had deliberately set out to make the foulest cereal possible, they could not have exceeded the putridity of Oreo O’s.
Whole Peeled Lamb’s Tongue (Salislbury Farm)
If the thought of eating a lamb’s tongue is enough to put you off your dinner, you probably shouldn’t look any closer at the label. The lamb tongues in this tin have been peeled. Talk about convenience! Is there anything more horrible than eating an unpeeled tongue?
BBQ Flavour Silk Worm Pupae (Various, Korea)
This popular street snack food from Korea has been gathered up, prepared, cooked in a some sort of gooey substance, and flavored with barbeque spices. Yum!
Grass Jelly Drink (ChinChin)
The stalks and leaves of a plant similar to mint are steamed with starch and then cooled for form a jelly. The jelly itself tastes like iodine and lavender. It can be eaten straight from the can or made into a drink.
Traditional Recipe Haggis (Grant’s)
Haggis is made from taking the organs of a sheep, like the heart, liver and lungs, and mixing it with onion, oatmeal and spices, then stuffing it into the stomach of a sheep and cooking it. Canned haggis is all of the above stuffed into a can where it sits for who knows how long before a brave soul, read drunk people of Scotland, eats it. *Shudders*
Cuitlacoche Maize Mushrooms (Monteblanco and others)
Cuitlacoche or corn smut is a black fungus that infects corn fields, swelling the corn kernels and filling them with spores. Farmers in the US destroy it – the farmers in Mexico put it in cans and consider it a delicacy. It has a very pungent earthy flavor with hints of mushroom and corn.
Surstroming (Various)
Also known as “Stinky Swedish Fish” this traditional dish from northern Sweden is sour, fermented Baltic herring. Just enough salt is dded to the raw fish to prevent it from rotting. The fermentation process takes at least 6 months, and gives this lightly-salted fish its strong smell and acidulous taste. The gases that build up during the fermentation process can be volatile and frequently cause the cans to bulge. Cans have been known to explode with little or no warning.
Häkarl (Brekkuhusum)
Similar in idea to the Swedish fish, the folks in Iceland make their stinky fish delicacy with sleeper sharks – fermented for several weeks and then hunt out to dry for several months. As bad as it smells, the taste is probably worse – unless you are from Iceland.
The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team’s favorite calls:
“My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering… how many calories are in a mouse?”
“I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?”
“Does your dog food help with emancipation?”
“What should I feed a borderline collie?”
“What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?”
“Is it normal for a dog to shed?”
“How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband’s toothbrush?”
“My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it’s stuck in the vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?”
“How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?”
“How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?”
“Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?”
“Do you know how to toilet train a cat?”
“I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba Cat Food makes the poop smell better?”
“Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy’s teeth?”
“Where can I get a six-toed cat?”
“I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?”
The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, “Although these questions make us smile, they’re legitimate calls from concerned pet owners.”
Most students entering college for the first time this fall were born in 1995
For this generation of entering college students Dean Martin, Mickey Mantle, and Jerry Garcia have always been dead.
Eminem and LL Cool J could show up at parents’ weekend.
They are the sharing generation, having shown tendencies to share everything, including possessions, no matter how personal.
GM means food that is Genetically Modified.
As they started to crawl, so did the news across the bottom of the television screen.
“Dude” has never had a negative tone.
As their parents held them as infants, they may have wondered whether it was the baby or Windows 95 that had them more excited.
As kids they may well have seen Chicken Run but probably never got chicken pox.
Having a chat has seldom involved talking.
Gaga has never been baby talk.
They could always get rid of their outdated toys on eBay.
They have known only two presidents.
Their TV screens keep getting smaller as their parents’ screens grow ever larger.
PayPal has replaced a pen pal as a best friend on line.
Rites of passage have more to do with having their own cell phone and Skype accounts than with getting a driver’s license and car.
The U.S. has always been trying to figure out which side to back in Middle East conflicts.
A tablet is no longer something you take in the morning.
Threatening to shut down the government during Federal budget negotiations has always been an anticipated tactic.
Growing up with the family dog, one of them has worn an electronic collar, while the other has toted an electronic lifeline.
Plasma has never been just a bodily fluid.
The Pentagon and Congress have always been shocked, absolutely shocked, by reports of sexual harassment and assault in the military.
Spray paint has never been legally sold in Chicago.
Captain Janeway has always taken the USS Voyager where no woman or man has ever gone before.
While they’ve grown up with a World Trade Organization, they have never known an Interstate Commerce Commission.
Courts have always been ordering computer network wiretaps.
Planes have never landed at Stapleton Airport in Denver.
Jurassic Park has always had rides and snack bars, not free-range triceratops and velociraptors.
Thanks to Megan’s Law and Amber Alerts, parents have always had community support in keeping children safe.
With GPS, they have never needed directions to get someplace, just an address.
Java has never been just a cup of coffee.
Americans and Russians have always cooperated better in orbit than on earth.
Olympic fever has always erupted every two years.
Their parents have always bemoaned the passing of precocious little Calvin and sarcastic stuffy Hobbes.
In their first 18 years, they have watched the rise and fall of Tiger Woods and Alex Rodriguez.
Yahoo has always been looking over its shoulder for the rise of “Yet Another Hierarchical Officious Oracle.”
Congress has always been burdened by the requirement that they comply with the anti-discrimination and safety laws they passed for everybody else to follow.
The U.S. has always imposed economic sanctions against Iran.
The Celestine Prophecy has always been bringing forth a new age of spiritual insights.
Smokers in California have always been searching for their special areas, which have been harder to find each year.
They aren’t surprised to learn that the position of Top Spook at the CIA is an equal opportunity post.
They have never attended a concert in a smoke-filled arena.
As they slept safely in their cribs, the Oklahoma City bomber and the Unabomber were doing their deadly work.
There has never been a national maximum speed on U.S. highways.
Don Shula has always been a fine steak house.
Their favorite feature films have always been largely, if not totally, computer generated.
They have never really needed to go to their friend’s house so they could study together.
They have never seen the Bruins at Boston Garden, the Trailblazers at Memorial Coliseum, the Supersonics in Key Arena, or the Canucks at the Pacific Coliseum.
Dayton, Ohio, has always been critical to international peace accords.
Kevin Bacon has always maintained six degrees of separation in the cinematic universe.
They may have been introduced to video games with a new Sony PlayStation left in their cribs by their moms.
A Wiki has always been a cooperative web application rather than a shuttle bus in Hawaii.
The Canadian Football League Stallions have always sung Alouette in Montreal after bidding adieu to Baltimore.
They have always been able to plug into USB ports.
Olestra has always had consumers worried about side effects.
Washington, D.C., tour buses have never been able to drive in front of the White House.
Being selected by Oprah’s Book Club has always read “success.”
There has never been a Barings Bank in England.
Their parents’ car CD player is soooooo ancient and embarrassing.
New York’s Times Square has always had a splash of the Magic Kingdom in it.
Bill Maher has always been politically incorrect.
They have always known that there are “five hundred, twenty five thousand, six hundred minutes” in a year.
Most students entering college for the first time this fall were born in 1994
For this generation of entering college students, born in 1994, Kurt Cobain, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Richard Nixon and John Wayne Gacy have always been dead.
They should keep their eyes open for Justin Bieber or Dakota Fanning at freshman orientation.
They have always lived in cyberspace, addicted to a new generation of “electronic narcotics.”
The Biblical sources of terms such as “Forbidden Fruit,” “The writing on the wall,” “Good Samaritan,” and “The Promised Land” are unknown to most of them.
Michael Jackson’s family, not the Kennedys, constitutes “American Royalty.”
If they miss The Daily Show, they can always get their news on YouTube.
Their lives have been measured in the fundamental particles of life: bits, bytes, and bauds.
Robert De Niro is thought of as Greg Focker’s long-suffering father-in-law, not as Vito Corleone or Jimmy Conway.
Bill Clinton is a senior statesman of whose presidency they have little knowledge.
They have never seen an airplane “ticket.”
On TV and in films, the ditzy dumb blonde female generally has been replaced by a couple of Dumb and Dumber males.
The paradox “too big to fail” has been, for their generation, what “we had to destroy the village in order to save it” was for their grandparents’.
For most of their lives, maintaining relations between the U.S. and the rest of the world has been a woman’s job in the State Department.
They can’t picture people actually carrying luggage through airports rather than rolling it.
There has always been football in Jacksonville but never in Los Angeles.
While still fans of music on radio, they often listen to it on their laptops or replace it with music downloaded onto their MP3s and iPods.
Since they’ve been born, the United States has measured progress by a 2 percent jump in unemployment and a 16 cent rise in the price of a first class postage stamp.
Benjamin Braddock, having given up both a career in plastics and a relationship with Mrs. Robinson, could be their grandfather.
Their folks have never gazed with pride on a new set of bound encyclopedias on the bookshelf.
The Green Bay Packers have always celebrated with the Lambeau Leap.
Exposed bra straps have always been a fashion statement, not a wardrobe malfunction to be corrected quietly by well-meaning friends.
A significant percentage of them will enter college already displaying some hearing loss.
The Real World has always stopped being polite and started getting real on MTV.
Women have always piloted war planes and space shuttles.
White House security has never felt it necessary to wear rubber gloves when gay groups have visited.
They have lived in an era of instant stardom and self-proclaimed celebrities, famous for being famous.
Having made the acquaintance of Furby at an early age, they have expected their toy friends to do ever more unpredictable things.
Outdated icons with images of floppy discs for “save,” a telephone for “phone,” and a snail mail envelope for “mail” have oddly decorated their tablets and smart phone screens.
Star Wars has always been just a film, not a defense strategy.
They have had to incessantly remind their parents not to refer to their CDs and DVDs as “tapes.”
There have always been blue M&Ms, but no tan ones.
Along with online viewbooks, parents have always been able to check the crime stats for the colleges their kids have selected.
Newt Gingrich has always been a key figure in politics, trying to change the way America thinks about everything.
They have come to political consciousness during a time of increasing doubts about America’s future.
Billy Graham is as familiar to them as Otto Graham was to their parents.
Probably the most tribal generation in history, they despise being separated from contact with their similar-aged friends.
Stephen Breyer has always been an Associate Justice on the U.S. Supreme Court.
Martin Lawrence has always been banned from hosting Saturday Night Live.
Slavery has always been unconstitutional in Mississippi, and Southern Baptists have always been apologizing for supporting it in the first place.
The Metropolitan Opera House in New York has always translated operas on seatback screens.
A bit of the late Gene Roddenberry, creator of Star Trek, has always existed in space.
Good music programmers are rock stars to the women of this generation, just as guitar players were for their mothers.
Gene therapy has always been an available treatment.
They were too young to enjoy the 1994 World Series, but then no one else got to enjoy it either.
The folks have always been able to grab an Aleve when the kids started giving them a migraine.
While the iconic TV series for their older siblings was the sci-fi show Lost, for them it’s Breaking Bad, a gritty crime story motivated by desperate economic circumstances.
Simba has always had trouble waiting to be King.
Before they purchase an assigned textbook, they will investigate whether it is available for rent or purchase as an e-book.
They grew up, somehow, without the benefits of Romper Room.
There has always been a World Trade Organization.
L.L. Bean hunting shoes have always been known as just plain Bean Boots.
They have always been able to see Starz on Direct TV.
Ice skating competitions have always been jumping matches.
There has always been a Santa Clause.
NBC has never shown A Wonderful Life more than twice during the holidays.
Mr. Burns has replaced J.R.Ewing as the most shot-at man on American television.
They have always enjoyed school and summer camp memories with a digital yearbook.
Herr Schindler has always had a List; Mr. Spielberg has always had an Oscar.
Selena’s fans have always been in mourning.
They know many established film stars by their voices on computer-animated blockbusters.
History has always had its own channel.
Thousands have always been gathering for “million-man” demonstrations in Washington, D.C.
Television and film dramas have always risked being pulled because the story line was too close to the headlines from which they were ”ripped.”
TheTwilight Zone involves vampires, not Rod Serling.
Robert Osborne has always been introducing Hollywood history on TCM.
Little Caesar has always been proclaiming “Pizza Pizza.”
They have no recollection of when Arianna Huffington was a conservative.
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has always been officially recognized with clinical guidelines.
They watch television everywhere but on a television.
Pulp Fiction’s meal of a “Royale with Cheese” and an “Amos and Andy milkshake” has little or no resonance with them.
Point-and-shoot cameras are soooooo last millennium.
Despite being preferred urban gathering places, two-thirds of the independent bookstores in the United States have closed for good during their lifetimes.
Astronauts have always spent well over a year in a single space flight.
Lou Gehrig’s record for most consecutive baseball games played has never stood in their lifetimes.
Genomes of living things have always been sequenced.
The Sistine Chapel ceiling has always been brighter and cleaner.
Most students entering college for the first time this fall were born in 1993
Andre the Giant, River Phoenix, Frank Zappa, Arthur Ashe and the Commodore 64 have always been dead. Their classmates could include Taylor Momsen, Angus Jones, Howard Stern’s daughter Ashley, and the Dilley Sextuplets.
There has always been an Internet ramp onto the information highway.
Ferris Bueller and Sloane Peterson could be their parents.
States and Velcro parents have always been requiring that they wear their bike helmets.
The only significant labor disputes in their lifetimes have been in major league sports.
There have nearly always been at least two women on the Supreme Court, and women have always commanded U.S. Navy ships.
They “swipe” cards, not merchandise.
As they’ve grown up on websites and cell phones, adult experts have constantly fretted about their alleged deficits of empathy and concentration.
Their school’s “blackboards” have always been getting smarter.
“Don’t touch that dial!”….what dial?
American tax forms have always been available in Spanish.
More Americans have always traveled to Latin America than to Europe.
Amazon has never been just a river in South America.
Refer to LBJ, and they might assume you’re talking about LeBron James.
All their lives, Whitney Houston has always been declaring “I Will Always Love You.”
O.J. Simpson has always been looking for the killers of Nicole Simpson and Ronald Goldman.
Women have never been too old to have children.
Japan has always been importing rice.
Jim Carrey has always been bigger than a pet detective.
We have never asked, and they have never had to tell.
Life has always been like a box of chocolates.
They’ve always gone to school with Mohammed and Jesus.
John Wayne Bobbitt has always slept with one eye open.
The Communist Party has never been the official political party in Russia.
“Yadda, yadda, yadda” has always come in handy to make long stories short.
Video games have always had ratings.
Chicken soup has always been soul food.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show has always been available on TV.
Jimmy Carter has always been a smiling elderly man who shows up on TV to promote fair elections and disaster relief.
Arnold Palmer has always been a drink.
Dial-up is soooooooooo last century!
Women have always been kissing women on television.
Their older siblings have told them about the days when Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera were Mouseketeers.
Most have grown up with a faux Christmas Tree in the house at the holidays.
They’ve always been able to dismiss boring old ideas with “been there, done that, gotten the T-shirt.”
The bloody conflict between the government and a religious cult has always made Waco sound a little whacko.
Unlike their older siblings, they spent bedtime on their backs until they learned to roll over.
Music has always been available via free downloads.
Grown-ups have always been arguing about health care policy.
Moderate amounts of red wine and baby aspirin have always been thought good for the heart.
Sears has never sold anything out of a Big Book that could also serve as a doorstop.
The United States has always been shedding fur.
Electric cars have always been humming in relative silence on the road.
No longer known for just gambling and quickie divorces, Nevada has always been one of the fastest growing states in the Union.
They’re the first generation to grow up hearing about the dangerous overuse of antibiotics.
They pressured their parents to take them to Taco Bell or Burger King to get free pogs.
Russian courts have always had juries.
No state has ever failed to observe Martin Luther King Day.
While they’ve been playing outside, their parents have always worried about nasty new bugs borne by birds and mosquitoes.
Public schools have always made space available for advertising.
Some of them have been inspired to actually cook by watching the Food Channel.
Fidel Castro’s daughter and granddaughter have always lived in the United States.
Their parents have always been able to create a will and other legal documents online.
Charter schools have always been an alternative.
They’ve grown up with George Stephanopoulos as the Dick Clark of political analysts.
New Kids have always been known as NKOTB.
They’ve always wanted to be like Shaq or Kobe: Michael Who?
They’ve often broken up with their significant others via texting, Facebook, or MySpace.
Their parents sort of remember Woolworths as this store that used to be downtown.
Kim Jong-il has always been bluffing, but the West has always had to take him seriously.
Frasier, Sam, Woody and Rebecca have never Cheerfully frequented a bar in Boston during primetime.
Major League Baseball has never had fewer than three divisions and never lacked a wild card entry in the playoffs.
Nurses have always been in short supply.
They won’t go near a retailer that lacks a website.
Altar girls have never been a big deal.
When they were 3, their parents may have battled other parents in toy stores to buy them a Tickle Me Elmo while they lasted.
It seems the United States has always been looking for an acceptable means of capital execution.
Folks in Hanoi and Ho Chi Minh City have always been able to energize with Pepsi Cola.
Andy Warhol is a museum in Pittsburgh.
They’ve grown up hearing about suspiciously vanishing frogs.
They’ve always had the privilege of talking with a chatterbot.
Refugees and prisoners have always been housed by the U.S. government at Guantanamo.
Women have always been Venusians; men, Martians.
McDonalds coffee has always been just a little too hot to handle.
“PC” has come to mean Personal Computer, not Political Correctness.
The New York Times and the Boston Globe have never been rival newspapers.
Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992
For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead
Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
“Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”
Al Gore has always been animated.
Los Angelenos have always been trying to get along.
Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.
“Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.
Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
Entering college this fall in a country where a quarter of young people under 18 have at least one immigrant parent, they aren’t afraid of immigration…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.
Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.
Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.
DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.
Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.
Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
“Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.
Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.
Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.
Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.
“Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.
The first home computer they probably touched was an Apple II or Mac II; they are now in a museum.
Czechoslovakia has never existed.
Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.
“Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always offered an alternative to the hospital.
Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.
Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”
Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.
American companies have always done business in Vietnam.
Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.
Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.
They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.
Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.
Someone has always gotten married in space.
While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.
Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
Food has always been irradiated.
There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he?
The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.
Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.
They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.
A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife.
Beethoven has always been a good name for a dog.
By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.
Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine.
Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.
The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.
They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.
Galileo is forgiven and welcome back into the Roman Catholic Church.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.
They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.
It seems the Post Office has always been going broke.
The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.
One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.
Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.
They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi (SYFY) Channel.
Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.