Where to Park?

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Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Well, okay.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Well, okay.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, “What am I going to do now, Lena?”

Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.”

Oil Changing Instructions

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  • WOMEN:
    1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
    2. Drink a cup of coffee.
    3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
  • MEN:
    1. Go to O’Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
    2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O’Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
    3. Open a beer and drink it.
    4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5. Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
    6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7. Place drain pan under engine.
    8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
    9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10. Unscrew drain plug.
    11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
    12. Clean up.
    13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
    14. Look for oil filter wrench.
    15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
    16. Beer.
    17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow.
    18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
    19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
    20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
    21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
    22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
    23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
    25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
    27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
    28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
    29. Begin cussing fit.
    30. Throw wrench.
    31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 2001.
    32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
    33. Beer.
    34. Beer.
    35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
    36. Beer.
    37. Lower car from jack stands.
    38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
    39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
    40. Drive car

Mercedes Benz Driving Test

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  1. Before changing lanes you should:
    1. signal.
    2. check.
    3. both a & b.
    4. just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.
  2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
    1. red.
    2. yellow.
    3. green.
    4. Who cares, it doesn’t apply to me anyway.
  3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
    1. 35 MPH.
    2. 25 MPH.
    3. 45 MPH.
    4. I paid $65,000 for this car, I’ll drive as fast as I want.
  4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
    1. slow to a walking pace.
    2. go around the block.
    3. stop.
    4. speed up and honk your horn.
  5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
    1. maintain your speed.
    2. slow a little.
    3. slow a lot.
    4. speed up and don’t bother honking your horn.
  6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
    1. never.
    2. when there is a left turn arrow.
    3. on Sunday at 2 A.M.
    4. When ever you damn well feel like it.
  7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
    1. must stop.
    2. may pass on the left after checking.
    3. may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
    4. use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the left.
  8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
    1. pull to the right and stop.
    2. pull into the nearest car wash.
    3. roll down your windows.
    4. turn up the radio and ignore it.
  9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
    1. never.
    2. when the doors are closed.
    3. if there are no police around.
    4. when you have missed your turn.
  10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you should:
    1. relax.
    2. watch the signal.
    3. stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
    4. call anyone – even directory assistance – on your car phone so everyone can see that you have a car phone.
  11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
    1. two blocks before turning.
    2. two car lengths before turning.
    3. two miles before turning.
    4. what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I’ll sue him.
  12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
    1. only at an intersection.
    2. always.
    3. never.
    4. if I pass a sale at the jewelers.
  13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
    1. never.
    2. on Sunday.
    3. if there is a fire hydrant.
    4. when I’ll only be there for five minutes.
  14. What is your annual gross income:
    1. $10,000-20,000.
    2. $20,000-40,000.
    3. $40,000-80,000.
    4. $80,000 and up.

Scoring:

If you answered ‘d’ on every question, you have a perfect score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions, you may request a retest in two weeks time. Please study the Mercedes Benz motor vehicle guide in preparation for your retest.

If you answered a, b, or c on more than two questions, we’re sorry, you just don’t have the proper attitude to be a Mercedes Benz Automobile driver. Perhaps you should consider a BMW.

Thank you for your interest in Mercedes Benz Automobiles.

Congress Sanctions “Lethal Force” in Road Rage Cases

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The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists’ use of “lethal force” in dealing with idiot drivers.

Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress. “This is truly a great day in our country. I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who’s in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on.”

Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:

  • Stopping for a yellow light.
  • Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
  • Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to “go through the light.” (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)
  • Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
  • Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on “Cruel and Unusual” punishment. Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to “be creative.”

Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, “The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of ‘slow and easy’. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they’ll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We think it’s a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people.”

Using Turn Signals in Idaho

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  • Signal only when you feel like it.
  • If you feel you must use your turn signals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.
  • Signal only after you change lanes.
  • When driving straight, make sure that at least one turn signal is blinking at all times.
  • Signal as you approach a curve in the road.
  • If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.
  • If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.
  • When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.
  • When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.
  • Always apply your brakes way before you signal.
  • When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.
  • Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.
  • If you must use hand signals instead of your turn signals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

His and Hers Road Trip

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HERS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
  2. Opens window
  3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer
  4. Arrives at destination presently.

HIS:

  1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one.
  2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right.
  3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case.
  4. Finally rolls down window.
  5. Hocks a loogie.
  6. Pulls up to a 7-11.
  7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
  8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
  9. Gets back into car.
  10. Farts.
  11. After he closes the door.
  12. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
  13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was.
  14. Almost hits a deer.
  15. Curses the night.
  16. Curses you.
  17. Curses the large slurpee.
  18. Stops by the side of the road.
  19. Takes a leak.
  20. Still taking a leak.
  21. Almost done.
  22. I think.
  23. Returns to car.
  24. Drives and fiddles with radio.
  25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
  26. Admits he didn’t want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister’s anyway.
  27. He hates your sister.
  28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
  29. He had to look up pernicious.
  30. Couldn’t find a dictionary.
  31. Finally found a dictionary.
  32. Couldn’t spell pernicious.
  33. Seethes at the memory of it all
  34. But she is laughing inside…
  35. And of course you’re still lost.

Friends Dont Let Friends Drive Yugos

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Yu*go (yoo-go)
n.     1) Small, economical, Yugoslavian-built automobile.
        2) 4×4 hood ornament.
adj. 1) What doesn’t happen when you press the accelerator.

Q. How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A. Fill the tank with gas! (If it can still hold liquid.)
A. If not, put a gallon of milk in the back seat.
A. This joke has been censored because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no stated monetary or status value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-now group will also be upset because this joke encourages automobile use.

What do Yugos have in common with Ferraris?
– A Ferrari can go from 0 to 60 in 4 seconds.
– A Yugo can go from 0 to 4 in 60 seconds.

Actually, a Yugo CAN accelerate as fast as a Ferarri, if you give it a fast enough running start, so it clears the cliff’s edge…

Q. How do you fix a broken Yugo?
A. 1) Lift off the radiator cap.
2) Push off cliff.
3) and drive brand new one underneath radiator cap. (30-mile/3-day warranty included!)

A man entered an auto parts store…
Man: “I need a windshield wiper blade for a Yugo.”
Clerk: “Well, only if you throw $20 into the trade.”

I once bought a Yugo with a tow package. …with the tow in the front.

Q. Why does a Yugo have a rear window defroster?
A. To keep your hands warm as you push it.

“The Oakland Police captured two men in their Yugo last night… The men are being held as suspects in the city’s first push-by shooting.”

Q. What comes with every Yugo User’s Manual?
A. The bus schedule.

From the Yugo owner’s manual: “If you sense an impending accident with
any other animate or inanimate object larger than a breadbox, quickly:

  1. place head between legs,
  2. lock hands behind head,
  3. Repeat: “Our Father, who art in heaven…”

Yugos are now much safer and come standard with an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start blowing *real fast.*

Consumer safety tests showed that a 5 mph parking-lot crash will cause about $2800 damage to a Yugo. What’s left? About $1200 of “dealer prep.”

Q. What do you call a Yugo at the top of a big hill?
A. A miracle!

Q. What’s the most wasteful way to spend money?
A. Buy a car alarm for a Yugo.

Cool Things About a Car that Goes Faster than the Speed of Light

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  • Sleep ’til noon. Still get to work by 8:00am!
  • Doppler shift makes red traffic lights look green.
  • Breaking laws of physics only a misdemeanor in most states.
  • Never in car long enough to hear an entire Madonna song.
  • Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking keep bugging you to carpool.
  • No one can see you pick your nose while you drive.
  • Lunch breaks in Paris, circa 1792.
  • LA to Vegas in 2 nanoseconds.
  • You can stop worrying about being sucked into a black hole driving home from work.
  • You’ll be so thin while driving it you can even wear horizontal stripes.
  • That deer in your headlights is actually behind you.
  • Kid from Mentos commercial almost guaranteed to lose a limb if he tries to duck through back seat.
  • Traffic enforcement limited to cops with PhD’s in Quantum Physics.
  • Bugs never see you comin’.
  • Can make a fortune delivering pizza with the slogan “It’s there before you order or it’s free!”
  • License plate: “Me=mc2”
  • Cigarette butts don’t land in the backseat — they land in last week
  • Chicks dig it.

Elderly Drivers

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection.

The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “Oh, am I driving?”

Driving in California

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Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school:

  • Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

  • Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

  • Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.

  • Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

  • Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

  • Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if s/he is cute.

  • Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.

  • Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.

  • Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.