The US Congress cleared the way for states to approve motorists’ use of “lethal force” in dealing with idiot drivers.
Irate driver Ray Owens of Columbus, Ohio, heralded the action by Congress. “This is truly a great day in our country. I predict a kindler, gentler, and far more productive country as soon as I blow away that asshole who’s in the right turn only lane with left turn signal on.”
Actions that are now covered by the lethal force sanction include:
- Stopping for a yellow light.
- Driving at speeds under the posted speed limit.
- Blocking traffic in the right turn lane by deciding to “go through the light.” (Notice, this offense punishable by lethal force if there was a middle lane an offender could have gone in.)
- Simultaneous application of make-up and cell phone usage. (Statisticians expect the female population of the United States to go down drastically upon passage.)
- Car radios in excess of 80 decibels. If the radio is turned so loud as to cause thumping headaches in other vehicles, Congress has generously waived the constitutional ban on “Cruel and Unusual” punishment. Punishment administering drivers are encouraged to “be creative.”
Congress has delayed legislation to send all teenager drivers to the land-mined roads of Bosnia for a mandatory 18 month training period. Representative Pryce (R-Ohio) said, “The land-mines will insure our teenagers quickly pick up the theory of ‘slow and easy’. Also, loud noises can set off mines, so they’ll learn how to listen to the radio at much lower volumes. We think it’s a win-win for everyone. The United States gets better drivers and Bosnia gets much needed pizza-delivery people.”