Does Your Cat Have a Problem?

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You can tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following
questions:

  • Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and spend the other two hours in non-stop eating?
  • Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center ofthe dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your freshly-cleaned-of-hair (and favorite) bedspread?
  • Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive?
  • Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat?
  • Does your cat tear down holiday decorations?
  • Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition?
  • Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property?
  • Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him?

    • If you answered “yes” to most of these questions…

    Relax, your cat is normal.

Cat Prayer

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Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

~ Author Unknown

Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination

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  • Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
  • Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
  • Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
  • When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
  • Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
  • What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.
  • Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
  • Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.
  • Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
  • Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”
  • Then — dead mice in the kitchen. Now — dead third world dictators in the basement.
  • Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.
  • Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
  • Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.
  • What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
  • Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Pussy of Fortune” magazine.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

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by Peggy Althoff

  1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop pill into its mouth.
  2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
  3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.
  4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
  5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in – quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
  6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
  7. If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
  8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill and…Oooops!
  9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
  10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
  11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
  12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
  13. Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
  14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
  15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
  16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
  17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
  18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

Cats in Physics

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  • Law of Cat Inertia:
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

  • Law of Cat Motion:
    A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

  • Law of Cat Magnetism:
    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

  • Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
    Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

  • Law of Cat Stretching:
    A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

  • Law of Cat Sleeping:
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

  • Law of Cat Elongation:
    A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

  • Law of Cat Acceleration:
    A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

  • Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
    Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

  • Law of Rug Configuration:
    No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

  • Law of Obedience Resistance:
    A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for him to do something.

  • First Law of Energy Conservation:
    Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

  • Second Law of Energy Conservation:
    Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

  • Law of Refrigerator Observation:
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

  • Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
    Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

  • Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
    A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

  • Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

  • Law of Cat Embarrassment:
    A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

  • Law of Milk Consumption:
    A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

  • Law of Furniture Replacement:
    A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

  • Law of Cat Landing:
    A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

  • Law of Fluid Displacement:
    A cat immersed in milk will displace his own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

  • Law of Cat Disinterest:
    A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

  • Law of Pill Rejection:
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

  • Law of Cat Composition:
    A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn’t Matter.

Cat-Person Profile Quiz

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Is your devotion to your cat and “cat things” in the training stage, at a moderate level, or extreme? Or are you an all out shameless “cat-a-holic?” Let’s just see how you rate as a “cat person,” shall we? See how many of these can you give an HONEST “yes” answer to:

  • Can you meow so well that you can fake out your cats?
  • Have you ever called your husband/wife by the cat’s name by mistake?
  • Do you think of your cats as the “furry kids?”
  • Did you ever decide to buy a house or rent an apartment based solely on the potential spot for the litter box?
  • Do you think cat hair in your food is a good source of protein?
  • Last Christmas did you spend more money on cat toys than you did on gifts for the kids or grandkids?
  • Are you at a loss as to how to talk to people who don’t own any cats?
  • Does your wallet contain more photos of your cats than your kids or grandkids?
  • Have you often slept on the very edge of the bed so that you won’t disturb the cat who’s sleeping in the very middle?
  • Do you leave messages for the kitty on the answering machine?
  • Have you ever invited a guest to sit down by patting the seat and making that noise with your pursed lips?
  • Does your answering machine have the cat meowing on the outgoing message?
  • When you go to the bathroom do you think of it as “using the litter box”?
  • Have you made a habit of setting a place at the table for the kitty?
  • Do you know your cat’s birthday (or if not, have made a good guess) and have a birthday party to celebrate?
  • When your husband/wife gives you the ultimatum, “OK, it’s me or the cat,” you don’t hesitate for even one second.
  • Do your neighbors talk about you as “the nut with all the cats?”

Cat-person Profile Quiz Score

How many did you answer “yes” to? I think just answering one with a “yes” is enough to qualify you as a “Cat Person.” But the number of yes answers determines the degree:

Your “Cat-ability” Score:

  • 1 to 4 yes answers: In training – you could do better, but it’s OK, you’re learning.
  • 5 to 8 yes answers: Moderate – working on it, improving nicely. Potential is there.
  • 9 to 13 yes answers: Extreme – just about there, almost mastered the art. Keep stretching yourself.
  • 14 to 17 yes answers: Totally possessed, hopelessly devoted, cat-a-holic. Congratulations!

Dedicated to Peanut, Mysz, Baby, Stasiek, Gizmo, Loki and so many others…
waiting for us by the rainbow bridge!
We miss you and have never forgotten you.

You Know You’re a Cat Person When…

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  • you refer to going to the bathroom as “using the litterbox.”
  • you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
  • you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
  • you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
  • you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
  • you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
  • you accidentally put your child’s dinner plate on the floor.
  • you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
  • you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
  • your neighbors refer to you as “the crazy one with all the cats.”
  • you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
  • you refer to your cat as your furry child.
  • your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry “grandchild.”
  • you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
  • you accidentally call your spouse by your cat’s name!
  • you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
  • you have a set of towels with “His” “Hers” and “Kitty’s.”
  • you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
  • you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
  • you and kitty have matching outfits.
  • your spouse says, “Me or the cat!,” and there’s no hesitation.
  • you never go to the door unless it’s to let a cat out.
  • your favorite friends have fleas.
  • you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox.
  • you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
  • you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
  • you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
  • you meow so well, you confuse the cats.

  • you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences
    between 9-Lives and Amore…at length.

Signs Your Cat Has a Personality Disorder

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  • Couldn’t muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

  • You’ve repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your
    running Buick.

  • Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Al Gore.
  • Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.
  • No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again…
  • Continually scratches on the door to get in… the OVEN door.
  • Doesn’t get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.
  • Rides in your car with its head out the window.
  • She’s a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.
  • You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.
  • Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty “9 Lives” cans.
  • Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.
  • After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.
  • Sullen and overweight, your sunglasses-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.
  • Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.
  • Makes an attempt on “First Cat” Sock’s life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

Owner’s Guide for Cats

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Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

  • Cleanliness
    For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

  • Communication
    Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

  • Feeding
    Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

  • Mating
    Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

  • Toilet Training
    A human’s natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the “laziness reflex,” this can be easily corrected through what is called “shoe therapy.” Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

    • Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

Why Cats are Better Than Men

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  • A cat always hits the litterbox.
  • Better chance of training a cat.
  • No matter what your cat drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.
  • You never have to spend time with your cat’s mother.
  • If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.
  • A cat purrs when you serve him dinner.
  • You can de-claw a cat… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.
  • It’s okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.
  • You don’t have to worry about your cat turn into a pig when you host a party.
  • A cat knows you’re the key to his happiness… a man thinks he is.
  • If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.