Cat Sled Races?

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From The Cat Diary
excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2004, Mark Mason, all rights reserved

I overheard the Big Owner talking about the Alaskan Iditarod Sled Dog Race. For some reason humans gather every year in the American frontier to race across the frozen Alaskan tundra. I don’t get it. Most Americans in the lower 49 don’t, either. The only thing that makes sense is that dogs do all the work. The humans are just along for the ride. The hardest thing humans do is carry a map and wield a pooper-scooper. Dogs have sunk so low on the evolutionary ladder that they are now the designated haulers in a race through an ice-cold territory. It’s a shame dogs let that happen. It’s doubtful that the organizers ever considered cats pulling those sleds, because everyone knows cats are smarter. Then again, the scientific answer might yield some clues.

It takes an average 12 to 16 dogs to pull a 500 pound sled including an overweight and out of shape human for the duration of the race. At the average weight of 100 pounds per sled dog, my estimate is that it would take 14.28 cats to replace the each dog. Assuming they’d run with the full compliment, a musher would need to outfit a minimum of 228 cats at the starting line.

Assuming each cat was given one small can of cat food per day, which is unlikely, but for the sake of argument a given, and the race takes 10 days, that is 2,280 cans of cat food for the span of the race. With each can weighing 5.5 ounces, the total additional weight at the outset of the race would be 784 pounds. If it’s gourmet, the cats could probably handle it. Another bonus is that the load would get lighter as they ate their way to the finish line.

Most cats nap at least 12 hours of the day and do not wish to be disturbed. As all competitors would be faced with the same problem, most racing would be done at night when – as every human knows – cats are most active. The human musher would have to adapt to cat hours. The added night illumination gear including batteries would be a conservative 200 pounds.

Here’s an idea. Have cats lead, with the dogs in back. The dogs’ constant pursuit of the cats could set new race records! Then again the cats would probably go their own way, anyway, and end up at Santa’s house.

This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!

Copyright 2004, Mark Mason, all rights reserved

Do Cats Actually Like the Taste of Themselves?

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By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, September 18, 1998
The Lewiston Tribune

That bunk about cats being so clean is no more true than saying that all human beings are clean, though both creatures are known for taking baths.

That does not mean that all cats and humans regularly bathe, though it would be nice if some of them did — especially a couple of the cats I could mention.

We have only one regular bather at our house now, not counting ourselves. Our tabby cat, Nellie, is a traditional, clean-looking cat with her white pristine patches. I say “clean-looking” cat, as opposed to “clean,” because no cat, unless washed in a tub by a human being, is actually clean. Let’s be frank about that. Cats who keep themselves clean are a myth. Licking yourself all over is not called keeping clean. It’s called getting germy spit all over yourself.

That’s what Nellie does. And just because she looks clean doesn’t mean you would want to use her as a bandage if you cut yourself. Anybody who uses a cat as a bandage is asking for infection.

As a matter of fact, it is my understanding that there is no pretense among cats about that. They don’t claim to be “taking a bath,” as we ignorantly call it, nor keeping themselves clean. And they don’t lick themselves all over because they taste so darned good.

Granted, that may be the logical assumption. You could rationally assume that, if a cat likes the taste of a fat, hairy little mammal like a mouse, that a cat — being a fat hairy little mammal — might like the taste of itself. You might rationally assume that when a cat is “bathing” it is actually using its own body as an appetizer before going out and looking for a real meal.

Not so. I have read in journals of unknown credibility that cats who lick themselves all over are actually ridding themselves of their own scent, lest it be wafted in the wind to a mouse or other prey. A cat washes to make it easier to sneak up on a mouse.

This probably explains why so many deer hunters are unsuccessful. They go out in the woods for a week without bathing. You could probably do a study proving that a hunter is more likely to sneak up on a deer and dispatch it on the first day of a hunting trip than later in the week when he has begun to ripen.

Cats apparently fight the same problem by licking all the scent off themselves. The only way you could get a deer hunter to do that is if he spilled beer on himself.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s really true that cats are licking off their scent. It doesn’t necessarily make sense. You would think that by now cats would have evolved to the point where, by natural selection, unscented cats have survived and scented cats are extinct.

Similarly, the mice should by now have evolved to the point, through the survival of the fittest, where they can smell cat spit. For every defense, Nature has an offense.

But maybe there is another explanation because it isn’t true that all cats clean themselves. One of our cats, Penelope, doesn’t stay much cleaner than a dog (which is not a compliment). And our Alfie, as well as the neighbor cat, Sydney, are pigs. Like a dog, they literally roll in the dirt, especially good, loose, dry, dusty dirt — the kind that
looks so attractive on a white couch.

For good measure, Alfie, who, if washed, is white, hangs out under old cars and usually has a few dark motor oil spots on his back. But it is no coincidence that Alfie and Sydney are smarter than the cleaner cats. They have learned, when it comes to the scent problem, that it is a lot faster and equally effective to roll in the dirt and forget about that nonsense of licking themselves all over.

That should work. That leaves them smelling like dirt. To a mouse, dirt must be the background smell of the outdoors. So if you’re a mouse, how can you detect a cat coming through the outdoors if the cat smells like the outdoors?

Maybe human deer hunters would do better if they didn’t just fester for days in their own sweat but took off their clothes (smelling of wool, cotton and polyester) and rolled in the dirt before hunting.

Meanwhile, somebody should drive those guys through a car wash with the windows open before they go home to their families. The scent of a hunter who has just spent a week in the woods is enough to gag a cat.

The Cat Scan

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A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$350.”

“$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”

Teenagers and Cats

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For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

  • Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
  • No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
  • You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
  • Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor you teen will ever crack a smile.
  • No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
  • Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
  • Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
  • Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom.
  • Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
  • Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times.

And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

All About Cats and Dogs

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What is a Cat?
  • Cats do what they want.
  • They rarely listen to you.
  • They’re totally unpredictable.
  • They whine when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play, they want to be alone.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They expect you to cater to their every whim.
  • They’re moody.
  • They leave hair everywhere.
  • They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

  • Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
  • They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
  • They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
  • They growl when they are not happy.
  • When you want to play, they want to play.
  • When you want to be alone, they want to play.
  • They are great at begging.
  • They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
  • They leave their toys everywhere.
  • They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

Cats, The Musical

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“Cats” is the longest-running show on Broadway to date. The show romanticizes and shrouds in mystery the lives and habits of America’s most popular pet. Yet, even with the lively dancing and popular songs, “Cats” doesn’t seem to capture the true-to-life behavior of our feline companions. Below is a list of what “Cats” would have to do to more accurately portray the true essence of cats.

  • Audience members would enter the auditorium only to find their seats had been clawed and covered with fur.
  • The antagonist in the show would be a giant vacuum cleaner.
  • Sometimes the cast would perform, but sometimes not — depending on their mood.
  • Performers would leap off the stage and run up the aisles at the recorded sound of a can opener in the lobby.
  • When certain audience members opened their playbills, a cast member would attempt to lay down on it.
  • In the middle of a performance various cast members would curl up and go to sleep, even in the middle of a song.
  • For no apparent reason, cast members would randomly run to the lobby, and then back to the stage at top speed. They would then continue as if nothing had happened.
  • A special audience member would find a headless bird in his/her seat after the intermission.
  • Snack bar employees would constantly be reprimanding cast members for walking on the counter.
  • Open the stall door and guess who is drinking from the toilet.
  • Part of the performance would include the cast climbing and shredding the theater curtains.
  • The stage would be stained from someone coughing up a hairball and then eating it.
  • Performers would find sand in the lobby ashtrays and — well, we don’t have to draw a picture here, do we?
  • The show would need to be stopped several times to allow cast members to “bathe” themselves.
  • Most of the final act would consist of the cast just staring at the audience.
  • The big finale would feature a giant ball of yarn, feathers on a pole, and stray strands of dental floss.
  • Theater patrons waiting outside the stage door after performances would get their legs rubbed, if they were lucky.
  • Cast members would never cash their paychecks, just play with them.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

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  • DOORS:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

  • CHAIRS and RUGS:
    If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.

  • BATHROOMS:
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

  • HAMPERING:
    If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering.” Following are the rules for “hampering”:

    1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
    2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
    3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work.
    4. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
    5. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed
      for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
    6. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

  • WALKING:
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

  • BEDTIME:
    Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move round.

  • PLAY:
    This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one’s Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT
    to do that!” It fools those humans every time.

  • CAT GAMES:
    • “Catch Mouse”:
      The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
    • “King of the Hill”:
      This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
    • WARNING:
      Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.

      This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

  • TOYS:
    • Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
    • Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several types of cat toys.
    • Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so that the other cat(s) or humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
    • Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.

  • PAPER BAGS:
    Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see. But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

  • FOOD:
    In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.

    The following are guidelines for getting fed.

    1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
    2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
    3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from.
    4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent — your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
    5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

  • SLEEPING:
    As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

  • SCRATCHING POSTS:
    It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

  • HUMANS:
    Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

    • You will then have a smooth-running household.

Cat Quotes

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“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.”
–Unknown

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.”
–Anonymous

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
–Jeff Valdez

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.”
–Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
–Mary Bly

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.”
–Joseph Wood Krutch

“People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.”
–Faith Resnick

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.”
–Anonymous

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.”
–Hippolyte Taine

“Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
–Anonymous

Cat Quiz for Cats

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From J Bologna
  1. Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean?

    1. It’s hungry.
    2. It’s lost.
    3. You’re hungry.
    4. Let the begging begin.

  2. Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this?

    1. Supper.
    2. Something s/he obviously wouldn’t eat.
    3. Something to keep you going till supper’s ready.
    4. Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat.

  3. Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean?

    1. You’re in trouble – better not do it again.
    2. Nothing – humans do this from time to time.
    3. The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
    4. It is time to chew on the cable wire again.

  4. Staircases are for:

    1. Getting up to the human’s bed at 4am.
    2. Lying in wait in the dark at the top of.
    3. Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
    4. All of the above.

  5. Your human talks/yells at you. You should:

    1. Listen intently, even if you don’t understand.
    2. Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing.
    3. Ignore him/her completely; you’re a cat, they mean nothing.
    4. Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior.

  6. Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are:

    1. Important to humans and should be left alone.
    2. Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result.
    3. Annoying and should be removed immediately.

  7. Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be:

    1. Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed).
    2. Played with until they stop playing.
    3. Presented to your human as a proud trophy.
    4. Hidden under your human’s pillow for safe keeping.
    5. Consumed for their nutritional value.

  8. A human giving you a bath should be considered:

    1. Under no circumstances.
    2. Under no circumstances.
    3. Under no circumstances.
    4. An act of war.
    5. All of the above.

  9. Your human’s value is limited to:

    1. Providing food.
    2. Providing water.
    3. Letting you out.
    4. Providing opposite-gender feline companionship.
    5. Leaving you alone.
    6. All of the above; if properly trained.

Cat Quiz for Humans

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From J Bologna
  1. Your cat waits and meows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying?

    1. Welcome home, I missed you.
    2. The phone rang twice while you were out.
    3. Feed me, *NOW*.
    4. So, I see you didn’t bring me the mate I asked for. Your pillow is history.

  2. Your cat meows at the door when you go out. Is it saying?

    1. Please don’t leave me here all alone.
    2. Have a nice day.
    3. But what if I get hungry while you out?
    4. Kiss that new vase goodbye.

  3. Your cat digs its claws in your leg. This is?

    1. An unsuppressed primal instinct.
    2. A sign of affection.
    3. A demand to be fed now.
    4. Have YOU had YOUR shots?
    5. An attempt to ‘fix’ you like you ‘fixed’ him.

  4. Your cat scratches at the door after being fed. Is it saying?

    1. Lemme out – I need to fertilize the garden.
    2. Wanna go out and play?
    3. Wonder what they’ve got to eat next door?
    4. Do I mark my territory outside, or inside?

  5. When your cat stares at you, it means:

    1. It is bored silly.
    2. It’s trying to understand how it’s food grows in cans.
    3. You are being sized-up for an attack.
    4. Human mating habits are disgusting.

  6. Your cat brings a dead mouse/bird into the house. This means:

    1. A primal instinct is being displayed.
    2. You’re not feeding me enough.
    3. It is showing a sign of affection by sharing.
    4. It is demonstrating the fact that it knows how to kill; be warned.
    5. All of the above.

  7. Your cat displays signs it wants to mate with other cats in the neighborhood. You should:

    1. Let it out immediately.
    2. Try to switch it’s interests to other things.
    3. Put on heavy protective clothing if you are not planning to let it out.
    4. If the other cat’s owner is attractive, maybe you could double.

  8. Your cat sleeps with you; covering your face. This means:

    1. It is showing you great affection.
    2. It knows you are allergic to cats.
    3. It has discovered the fine art of suffocation.
    4. You should have let it out tonight.