- Cats rule. Dogs drool.
- Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they’re horny.
- Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
- In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner’s choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
- Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won’t even let you throw them.
- Cats let you kick them when you’re stressed out.
- Cats will wait until you’ve read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds.
- Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of the screen.
- No one has ever had to “Beware of the Cat.”
- Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.
- Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your crotch.
- Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
- Why do you think they call it “Dog Breath?”
- Garfield. Odie.
- Enough said.
The Bachelor and his Cat
A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies.
A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn’t you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down slowly that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”
Places for Catnaps, Rated
From The Cat Diary
Weekly excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Weekly excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Now I have heard it all. The United Nations is known for its marathon talkfests that can put even the most veteran diplomats to sleep. It is almost a form of anesthesia. Now a former French ambassador has performed a service to his colleagues by writing a guide to catnapping, listing various lounges and sitting areas around the U.N. building and rating them for their catnapping comfort.
If I had the inclination, or the means, I might charge him with stealing my idea. It obviously came from my beastly bestseller, The Cats Places Rated Almanac for Cat Naps. Five stars is best.
- On the front doorstep. **
Too dangerous. The Big Owner, not paying attention, can step on your tail – or worse. - On the stairs. ****
Outstanding support for the length of a stretched-out feline. It also provides a ledge from which to hang almost any appendage. For obvious reasons, never do this in the dark. - On the bathroom toilet tank. ***
Only if it is one of the carpeted variety which is, admittedly, a little retro. The style went out with the ’70’s, but some owners never change. If there are vases or boxes of Kleenex on the tank, knock them off. Excellent full body support, head and hind paws hang over. For between-nap exercises, roll some TP off the holder onto the floor. Again. - In the bathroom sink. **
Perfectly formed for a kitty’s body. But can still be wet and disgustingly dirty from the Big Owner’s shaving his face there each morning. Strange things seem to grow there. Best after it has been freshly cleaned with powerful chemicals to cut through the grunge. Also risk of leaky faucet disturbing a beautiful rest. - In the clean laundry. ****
Especially if it is still warm. - In the dirty laundry. *
Never. Unless your cat box is dirty and you need somewhere to ‘go.’ - On The Big Owner. *****
… Drooling a puddle onto his chest. Insist he scratch you. Purr loudly so that he does not fall asleep on the job.
This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Cat Myths
From The Cat Diary
Excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
It’s Halloween. Every year people start resurrecting cat myths to put the scare into little kids and older adults alike. We cats have tolerated this proliferation of ‘myth-information’ for many years and we do not like it. I risk ‘letting the cat out of the bag,’ but I must dispel some illusions.
MYTH: Cats eyes shine at night because they are casting out the light they gather during the day.
FACT: Baloney. How can we gather daylight when our eyes are closed sleeping all day?
MYTH: When a cat’s whiskers droop, rain is coming.
FACT: When a cat’s whiskers droop, rain is here. The whiskers are wet.
MYTH: If you want to keep a cat from straying, put butter on its paws.
FACT: I won’t stray because you won’t be here to open the door. You will be in the hospital as a result of your attempt to butter my paws.
MYTH: If a cat sneezes near a bride on her wedding day she will have a happy marriage.
FACT: 4-in-5 marriages end in divorce. Not a lot of sneezing going on, huh? Maybe they ought to rewrite that one and make it ‘coughs hairballs.’
MYTH: Stepping over a cat brings bad luck.
FACT: Actually, worse luck. It exposes your most vulnerable areas just in case you miss and step on us.
MYTH: Cats suck the breath from babies.
FACT: We don’t ‘suck the breath.’ Cats enjoy baby breath as much as humans. If you had a choice between a baby’s breath and the Big Owner’s breath, which would you choose?
MYTH: Cats always land on their feet.
FACT: So explain the bumps on my head.
MYTH: A cat has nine lives.
FACT: Well, okay, that one is true. I happen to have a can of it sitting right in front of me. Now, if I could only get someone to open it for me.
It was a good day.
This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Cat Mind Games
- Stare with the exact same expression whether you’re looking at nothing or an ax murderer.
- Wait till your human lays out their clothes and decide this would be the perfect place to take a nap.
- Race through the house, hair on end and stop in an attack pose. Then walk of nonchalantly. Repeat as necessary.
- Play with invisible objects.
- Wait till your human is asleep and jump up and start kneeding any available body parts.
- Figure 8 your humans legs while they are walking around the kitchen cooking something you won’t get a bite of.
- Before your human gets out of their bed, make sure your napping in the bathroom doorway.
- Leave gifts of small animal body parts in your human’ s shoes. Then wait to be praised. Stalk off if not rewarded for your gift.
- If you absolutly have to go to the vet, cling to your human’s head, howling at the top of your lungs and spew hairballs on the vet.
- Wait till your human is eating, then jump on the table and shed.
- Using the litterbox at your human’s mealtimes can be great fun.
Cat Medical Dictionary
From The Cat Diary
Excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
Excerpts from my cat’s diary.
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
I think I have a medical career ahead of me. Lately I have been dissecting rodents on my late night cat patrols. Up until now the Big Owner was never impressed with my simply leaving said rodents at his doorstep. Now I fillet the creatures for his convenience hoping he will throw one on the barbeque for the family to enjoy. So far there’s been no luck. Still, I am honing my scalpel skills. Don’t laugh! Cats have practiced medicine long before humans. Many of today’s modern medical terms were based on original terminology from the very first Cat Medical Dictionary.
- Enema: The black cat next door … He’s not my friend, he’s my enema.
- Biofeedback: Coughing up two hairballs in one night.
- Biohazard: Stepping in both aforementioned hairballs.
- Cat Scan: Do I *really* have to explain that one?
- Electroshock Therapy: Accidentally walking on the electric stove while it is on.
- Hemad: Mood of the Big Owner when I drop a hairball on the carpet. In fact, he’s always mad.
- Histamine: A mean hiss.
- Mucus: A feline swear word.
- Perspire: Purring so hard you drool from the mouth.
- False Positive: Pouring fresh litter over the old to make it appear new.
- White Cell: The bathroom – Where humans sometimes lock you up.
- Work-Up: The long minutes preparing to free a hairball.
- Acute: What I am…Acute Cat.
- Fuzzy logic: Trying to figure out cat medical terms.
From Cat Diary #3 by Mark Mason. This is part of a great collection of great cat stories, told from the cat’s perspective. For more information please visit the website!
Copyright 2003, Mark Mason, all rights reserved
How to Feed Your Cat Matzoh
- Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop matzoh into its mouth.
- Retrieve cat from top of lamp and matzoh from under sofa.
- Follow same procedure as in #1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke matzoh into its mouth with right forefinger.
- Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new matzoh from box. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
- Again proceed as in #1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the matzoh in quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you’re doing. That’s just as well.
- Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave matzoh in your hair.
- If you’re a woman, have a good cry. If you’re a man, have a good cry.
- Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and matzoh. Assuming position #1, say sternly, “Who’s the boss here, anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take matzoh and… Oooops!
- This isn’t working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos. But it’s a sin to waste food! And your cat deserves to know what it tastes like now!
- Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
- Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and matzoh from potted plant.
- Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
- Flatten cat’s front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
- Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man or woman.
- Resume position #1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
- Drop matzoh into cat’s mouth and poke gently. Voila! It’s done.
- Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
- Take two aspirins and lie down.
Resume steps 1-18 at each feeding time until the matzoh is gone or until:
- someone gives you a Jewish ant farm.
- you hear a hungry mockingbird chirping “Hava Nagila.”
- your pet chihuahua says “Yo te quiero taco matzoh.”
Catlette’s Soliloquy
To go outside, Or to remain within:
That is the question;
Whether ’tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And by so dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock’s bright gears with sullen time
and stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal’s opened up, to stand
As if transformed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there’s the hairball;
For if paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
as simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household’s petty plagues
The cook’s well-practiced kicks, the butler’s broom,
The infant’s careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor’s yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans’ faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale
brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause on the threshold of decision.
~Shakespaw~
Cat Haiku
You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.
The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.
Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.
Blur of motion, then-
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?
You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.
Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s a ‘term paper’?
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, crap! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.
Cats meow out of angst
“Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!”
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for “Cup Hockey”
We’re almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?
A Cat’s Guide To Human Beings
- Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
- So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What’s so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors,
getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
- So you’ve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you’ve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
- How And When to Get Your Human’s Attention
- Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your
advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
- Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it’s something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
- Waking your human at odd hours: A cat’s “golden time” is between 3:30
and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human’s sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
- Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
- Punishing Your Human Being
- Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
- Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
- Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
- Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
- After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
- While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
- Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
- The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they’ve been presented.
- After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour’s Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human’s face, you’ll know it’s worth it.
- How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
- You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They’re humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.