- WOMEN’S ATTIRE
- Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
- Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for.
- STADIUM SIZE
- Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
- Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
- FATHERS
- Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
- Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
- ATTIRE
- Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
- Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
- ALUMNI
- Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
- Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
- CAMPUS DECOR
- Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
- Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
- HOMECOMING QUEEN
- Up North: Also a Physics Major
- Down South: Also Miss USA.
- HEROES
- Up North: Mario Cuomo
- Down South: “Bear” Bryant
- GETTING TICKETS
- Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
- Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
- FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
- Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
- Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
- PARKING
- Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
- Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
- GAME DAY
- Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
- Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
- TAILGATING
- Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
- Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
- GETTING TO THE STADIUM
- Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
- Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
- CONCESSIONS
- Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
- Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
- WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
- Up North: Stands are less than half full.
- Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
- THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
- Up North: Nothing Changes!
- Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
- COMMENTARY (MALE)
- Up North: “Nice Play.”
- Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
- COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
- Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
- Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
- ANNOUNCERS
- Up North: Paid.
- Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
- AFTER THE GAME
- Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
- Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.
Category Archives: Sports
White Powdery Substance?
The Colorado Buffaloes afternoon football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly 2 hours. One of the players while on his way to practice happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown powdery substance on the field. CU head coach, Gary Barnett immediately suspended practice while the FBI determined that the white powdery substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI special agents decided that the team was unlikely to encounter that substance again.
Cool Things about an All-New York World Series
- We’re gonna add a Mike Piazza-style mustache to the Statue of Liberty.
- City ordinance says in Subway Series, the mayor bats cleanup.
- Regardless of who wins, it’s just great to sit in the stands and watch sweaty guys hug each other.
- Finally New Yorkers have something to help us get over the loss of “CATS.”
- Just think what this is doing to John Rocker.
- It’s more proof that New York City is the greatest city on Earth!
- It’s easy to get cheap applause by saying crap like that.
- I won’t have that uneasy feeling I get when Don Zimmer’s out of town.
- It’s so exciting, even people who just moved here and are now running for senate can enjoy it.
- More business for the city’s illegal knock-off T-shirt factories.
Canadian Hockey Rules!
It was a 5-2 loss that started the bleeding
A loss to Mats and his country of Sweden
Next up, it’s easy – but just a 3-2 win
By a bunch of young fellas from united Berlin
They can’t hit the net, they can’t even pass it
There not chance in the world they’re gonna beat Hasek
It’s the bloody big ice, it’s a number of things
They don’t want it as much, they got their cup rings
But a 33 tie, with a late goal you would like
Scored by none other than Joe Nieuwendyk
The one that they thought was too slow and too old
Has not given up the quest for hockey gold.
Then things started changing, all for the best
They beat Selanne and Finland, lets take on the rest.
Then Sweden was next, they’d better get loose
But the Swedes were beaten by who… Belarus!
And then the ladies from out of the blue
Against the favoured Americans, knew what to do
The Yanks threw our flag on the floor they were told
So they captured our hearts and captured the gold
Then suddenly the Great one, our hero of youth
Told the hockey world the absolute truth
He said they don’t like us, they want us to lose
We need to get meaner and inflict the odd bruise
So a North American Final was set us and the States
This time they were ready, they laced up their skates
This game was about skill, speed, and the odd chance
It would not be decided by a dumb judge from France
The yanks scored first, we sucked in our chest
But our boys came out and they played their best
Sakic, Lindros, Iginla, Lemeiux
And Gold is ours… Canada, 5 Yanks, 2
Despite the bad press and media opinions
We danced in the street like crazed Palestinians
From Victoria to St. John’s we screamed and we shouted
Like Don Cherry predicted, the Yanks… they were routed
When we play hockey there is no English or French
There is no division among us; it’s just the guys on the bench
They played the game for our Country, they played it true
And on behalf of the Country I say thank you.
For this game is now ours, there is no longer a debate
About the lack of finesse or the way that we skate
This nation of Canada has gotta’ lot of class
But if you wanna’ play hockey … we’ll kick your ass!
How Did You Break Your Arm?
Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
“So how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.
“It was the damnedest thing you ever saw,” he said, “I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”
“So how’d you break your arm?”
At the Races
Lineup:
- Passionate Lady
- Bare Belly
- Silk Panties
- Conscience
- Jockey Shorts
- Clean Sheets
- Thighs
- Big Dick
- Heavy Bosom
- Merry Cherry
THEY’RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught by Thighs
and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot!
AT THE HALF:
It’s Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It’s Big Dick giving everything he’s got
and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one
final thrust and wins by a head…
Bare Belly shows…Thighs weakens…
Heavy Bosom pulls up…
& Clean Sheets never had a chance.
At the Country Club
Shloyme Seltzer has become rich and wants to show off, so he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.
Unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. The driver wants to return home, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: “Wait here for me.”
His driver responds: “But don’t you see the sign? They’ll kick you out immediately!”
Shloyme says, “I don’t have to tell them I’m Jewish.” and he leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits… One hour… two hours… three hours. After three and a half hours, Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: “What happened?”
Shloyme says, “Everything was fine until we played hole number eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: ‘Oh, my God, what’ll I do now?’ And then the waters separated and everybody knew…”
Bobby Knight’s To Do List
Bobby Knight has a long history of violent outbursts, including many highly-publicized run-ins with players and referees during his years as a college basketball coach. Here’s a copy of his to-do list, taken from his cluttered desk before his retirement.
- Finish motivational tape called “Pull Your Head Out Of Your Butt And Get Your Sh*t Together You Worthless Sack Of Puke.”
- Ridicule those WWF weenies for sloppy chair-throwing technique.
- Watch “Patton” again.
- Apologize to Father Nesbitt for hurling pew cushions into the aisle during an unconvincing portion of last Sunday’s sermon.
- Call Ditka regarding the 2-for-1 Prozac deal over at Drug Emporium.
- Begin writing “Chicken Soup For The Ill-tempered, Foul-mouthed, Blowhard’s Soul.”
- Beat the living tar out of Dan Burton for making people from Indiana look crazy.
- Tend to bed of pansies on kitchen window sill.
- Head down to the nursing home and slap Mom around as late Mother’s Day gift.
- Check Monster.com for any jobs listed as “Violent Nutcase College Basketball Coaches.”
- Submit fecal artwork to Brooklyn Museum of Art.
- Develop new TV show — “Two Guys, a Girl and a Chair-throwin’, Woman-bashin’ Player-stranglin’ Coach.”
- Have floral arrangement delivered to side of secretary’s head.
- Haul the ol’ Louisville Slugger down to Chuckie Cheese for a few hours of Whack-a-Mole.
Signs You’re at a Bad Figure Skating Competition
- Sponsored by Acme Ass Pads.
- “Would the holder of lucky ticket #2220 please report to the box office to receive a whack on the knee with a crowbar!”
- The Chili-Powered Competition is a real turnoff.
- The highest marks for technical merit are given to Boom Boom Magorsky, Zamboni driver.
- Starbucks logo tattooed on the ass of every skater.
- Judges not impressed by your “Oh, Calcutta” routine, despite the rather obvious effects of the cold air.
- “And now, singing our national anthem, please welcome Fran Drescher!”
- First time you’ve seen points awarded for a “Triple Klutz” and a “Triple Putz.”
- The biggest cheer of the night occurs when the Zamboni runs down Elvis Stojko.
- The mixed pairs competition breaks down into an all-out grope-fest.
- During the pairs ice dancing, some crazed toothless Canadian cross-checks the couples into the boards.
- Thin ice on the lake results in three drownings before the prelims come up.
- Tara Lipinski cancels at last minute, is replaced by Monica Lewinsky.
- More butts hitting the ice than at the annual R.J. Reynolds Ice Fishing Tournament.
- Brian Boitano’s new program interprets history of male pattern baldness.
- Oksana Baiul is chipping ice out of the rink for margaritas.