Tag Archives: to-do list

Martha’s To-Do List

Posted on by
  • Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
  • Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
  • Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
  • Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
  • Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
  • Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
  • Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
  • Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
  • Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
  • Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
  • Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
  • Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
  • Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
  • Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
  • Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
  • Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
  • Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
  • Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
  • Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
  • Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
  • Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
  • Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
  • Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
  • Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
  • Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.

Bobby Knight’s To Do List

Posted on by

Bobby Knight has a long history of violent outbursts, including many highly-publicized run-ins with players and referees during his years as a college basketball coach. Here’s a copy of his to-do list, taken from his cluttered desk before his retirement.

  • Finish motivational tape called “Pull Your Head Out Of Your Butt And Get Your Sh*t Together You Worthless Sack Of Puke.”
  • Ridicule those WWF weenies for sloppy chair-throwing technique.
  • Watch “Patton” again.
  • Apologize to Father Nesbitt for hurling pew cushions into the aisle during an unconvincing portion of last Sunday’s sermon.
  • Call Ditka regarding the 2-for-1 Prozac deal over at Drug Emporium.
  • Begin writing “Chicken Soup For The Ill-tempered, Foul-mouthed, Blowhard’s Soul.”
  • Beat the living tar out of Dan Burton for making people from Indiana look crazy.
  • Tend to bed of pansies on kitchen window sill.
  • Head down to the nursing home and slap Mom around as late Mother’s Day gift.
  • Check Monster.com for any jobs listed as “Violent Nutcase College Basketball Coaches.”
  • Submit fecal artwork to Brooklyn Museum of Art.
  • Develop new TV show — “Two Guys, a Girl and a Chair-throwin’, Woman-bashin’ Player-stranglin’ Coach.”
  • Have floral arrangement delivered to side of secretary’s head.
  • Haul the ol’ Louisville Slugger down to Chuckie Cheese for a few hours of Whack-a-Mole.