- Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
- Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
- Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
- Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
- Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
- Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
- Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
- Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
- Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
- Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
- Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
- Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
- Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
- Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
- Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
- Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
- Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
- Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
- Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
- Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
- Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
- Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
- Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
- Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
- Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.
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