Martha’s To-Do List

  • Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.
  • Start marketing new “Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope.”
  • Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.
  • Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.
  • Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.
  • Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.
  • Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.
  • Berate domestic staffers while I still can.
  • Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.
  • Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.
  • Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.
  • Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.
  • Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal’s probably cold in the morning.
  • Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.
  • Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.
  • Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.
  • Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!
  • Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.
  • Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.
  • Ask Rosie how to say “I’m not interested” in Lesbianese.
  • Remember… Outside: “And that’s a GOOD thing!” Inside: “Shit be da bomb, yo!”
  • Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.
  • Roll around in a huge friggin’ pile of money one last time before going off to jail.
  • Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.
  • Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.