Category Archives: Regional

You May Be A Redneck If…

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By Jeff Foxworthy
  • You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre
  • You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley
  • You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop
  • There is a stuffed ‘possum mounted anywhere in your house
  • You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
  • Less than half the cars you own run
  • The primary color of your car is “Bond-O”
  • You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom
  • Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”
  • You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
  • Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people
  • The manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair
  • Everybody you meet can tell what kind of underwear you’re wearing
  • You have a rag for a gas cap
  • You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger side window
  • The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
  • You grow corn in your front yard
  • Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” trick during Thanksgiving dinner
  • All your four letter words are two syllables
  • You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts
  • Your front porch has kitchen appliances on it
  • Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
  • The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site
  • Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend’s tattoos
  • You’ve ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine
  • You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy
  • The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne
  • You’ve ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance
  • After removing the empty beer cans from you car you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon
  • It’s impossible to see the food stains on the fabric of your work uniform
  • You need one more hole punched in you card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos
  • You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work
  • The family business requires a lookout
  • You think the “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold
  • The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
  • When you hold a frog, it worries about getting warts
  • You paint your car with housepaint
  • You think a nutcracker is something you do off the high dive
  • You know how to milk a goat
  • Your best pick-up line for women is written on your ever-present baseball cap
  • You refer to you van as “The Love Machine”
  • You have mason jars filled with stuff even the FBI can’t identify
  • You see a sign that says “Just Say No to Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your jeans
  • There are tobacco stains down the side of your truck
  • You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
  • Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
  • The Orkin man tells you, “Give up; you’ve lost”
  • You think paprika is a Third world country
  • You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport
  • You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it
  • Today’s dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday
  • Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight

The Difference In Football Between the North and South

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  • WOMEN’S ATTIRE
    • Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket.
    • Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that’s what dates are for.
  • STADIUM SIZE
    • Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000.
    • Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000.
  • FATHERS
    • Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.
    • Down South: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
  • ATTIRE
    • Up North: Male and female alike: woolly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans.
    • Down South: Male – press khakis, oxford shirt, cap with frat logo, Justin Ropers. Female – ankle-length skirt, coordinated cardigan, flat riding boots, oxford shirt.
  • ALUMNI
    • Up North: Take prospects on sailing trips before they join the law firm.
    • Down South: Take prospects on fishing trip so they don’t leave for the NFL their senior year.
  • CAMPUS DECOR
    • Up North: Statues of founding fathers.
    • Down South: Statues of Heisman Trophy winners.
  • HOMECOMING QUEEN
    • Up North: Also a Physics Major
    • Down South: Also Miss USA.
  • HEROES
    • Up North: Mario Cuomo
    • Down South: “Bear” Bryant
  • GETTING TICKETS
    • Up North: 5 minutes before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still purchase tickets.
    • Down South: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and still be placed on the waiting list for tickets.
  • FRIDAY CLASSES AFTER A THURSDAY NIGHT GAME
    • Up North: Students and Teachers are not sure if they are going because they have class on Friday.
    • Down south: Teachers cancel class on Friday because they don’t want to see the few hungover students that might actually make it to class on Friday.
  • PARKING
    • Up North: An hour before game time the University opens the campus for game parking.
    • Down South: RV’s sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The real faithful begin arriving on Tuesday.
  • GAME DAY
    • Up North: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
    • Down South: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting on Game Day “live” to get on camera and wave to the idiots up North who wonder why game day is never broadcast from their campus.
  • TAILGATING
    • Up North: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
    • Down South: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by Jerry Jeff Walker, who comes over during breaks and ask for a hit off your bottle of bourbon.
  • GETTING TO THE STADIUM
    • Up North: You ask “Where’s the stadium?” When you find it, you walk right in with no line.
    • Down South: When your near it, you’ll hear it. On game day, it becomes the state’s third largest city.
  • CONCESSIONS
    • Up North: Drinks served in a paper cup filled to the top with soda.
    • Down South: Drinks served in a plastic cup with the home team’s mascot — filled less than halfway to ensure enough room for bourbon.
  • WHEN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS PLAYED
    • Up North: Stands are less than half full.
    • Down South: 100,000 fans sing along in perfect 3-part harmony.
  • THE SMELL IN THE AIR AFTER THE FIRST SCORE
    • Up North: Nothing Changes!
    • Down South: Fireworks with a twist of bourbon.
  • COMMENTARY (MALE)
    • Up North: “Nice Play.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • COMMENTARY (FEMALE)
    • Up North: “My, this is a violent sport.”
    • Down South: “Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!!”
  • ANNOUNCERS
    • Up North: Paid.
    • Down South: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
  • AFTER THE GAME
    • Up North: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
    • Down South: Another rack of ribs on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, planning begins for next week’s game.

Florida Lottery

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Guess what?!?!? I won the lottery..I’m gonna be rich!! I won the Florida lottery! I’m now a multimillionaire! Can you believe it?!? I’m bouncing off the walls here! You see, my ticket doesn’t have the exact winning numbers on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The ticket was very confusing when I was filling it out and so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card.

But since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they’re going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn’t make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even though I was confused, I didn’t ask for help because no one would have helped me anyway and I didn’t want to appear like I didn’t know what I was doing. Isn’t it nice of Florida to give the money anyway.

I know, if the FL State Lottery won’t give me the money, I’ll just sue them!!!

Home of the Blame

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Let’s see if I understand the state of personal responsibility in modern-day America.

  • If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.
  • If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock ‘n’ roll musician he liked.
  • If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer your family blames the tobacco company.
  • If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.
  • If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.
  • If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.
  • If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
  • And, if your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

God bless America, land of the free, home of the blame.

With One Little Wave…

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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge – thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can’t help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.”

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slaps her.

Ways to Clean Up New York City

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  • Fake Rolex salesmen must offer fake warranty information.
  • New rule for cabbies: driving naps should not exceed 12 minutes.
  • Only 7 Starbucks per block are allowed.
  • Get the rats out of subway and putting them back in the restaurants where they belong.
  • Change meaning of middle finger gesture to: “lookin’ good, neighbor.”
  • Shine Bat Signal into night sky; when Batman shows up, hand him a broom and a pooper scooper.
  • All drive-by gunmen must carpool. (Wait, isn’t this one for LA?)
  • If Yankees win the World Series again, they can clean up the ticker tape themselves.
  • Forming task force to get Clinton to move to New Jersey.
  • Selling sex on street corners after 2 AM is now prohibited.
  • Women’s Rights Groups have won a court action to rename the famous street “Broadway” to “His and Her Way.”
  • Grant’s Tomb only had 22 visitors last year, so the city has licensed it to a Kosher Sushi Bar franchise.

Heaven and Hell

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Hell is a place where …

all the police are German;
the British are the chefs;
the Norwegians are the singers;
the French are in charge of organization;
the Australians are the lovers;
the Swiss run the navy;
the Americans are the brewers;
the Belgians put up the signposts;
all the comedians are Swedish;
the South Africans are in charge of racial integration;
the only logic is Irish;
the speech therapists are Scottish;
the Ethiopians are in charge of agricultural policy;
the Italians run the armed forces;
the Indians are in charge of birth control;
the tour companies are run by Icelanders;
all the economists are Brazilian;
the Serbs are in charge of human rights;
the Spanish are the road builders;
all the orphanages are run by Romanians;
…and the common language is Finnish;

Heaven is a place where …

the Germans are in charge of the organization;
all the police are British;
all the environmentalists are Norwegian;
the French are the chefs;
the Swiss are the bankers;
all the salesmen are American;
the Finns make the chocolate;
the Swedes are the lovers;
the goldmines are run by South Africans;
all the storytellers are Irish;
all the distillers are Scottish;
the opera singers are Italian;
the Danes are the brewers;
all the spices are provided by Indians;
the fishermen are Icelandic;
all the footballers are Brazilian;
the Spanish run the holiday resorts;
and the Dutch are the merchants.

Green Side Up

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A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, “Now in the living room, I’d like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm.” The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room. She says, “In the dining room, I’d like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy.” The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, “In the bedroom, I’d like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue.” The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells “Green side up”. This is too much.

The woman has to ask. So she says, “Every time I tell you what I want in a room, you don’t even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window “Green Side Up”. What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to what I want?”

The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, “I have four Finns laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up.”

Lovingly dedicated to the memory of Wilho Miller, who often told me this favorite joke as a child.

The First Kilt

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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he “comes of age” and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, “I’d like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don’t mind, I’d like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!”

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. “Here’s ye kilt, and here’s ye matching underwear, and here’s five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it.”

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend’s house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, “Well, what’d ye think?”

“Ah, but dat’s a fine looking kilt,” she exclaimed.

“Aye, and if ye like it, ye’ll really like what’s underneath,” he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

“Oh, but dat’s a dandy,” his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn’t have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, “Aye, and if ye like it, I’ve got five more yards of it at home!”

EuroEnglish

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish.”

In the first year, S will replace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servant jump with joy. The hard C will be dropped in favor of the K. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome PH will be replaced with the F. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horiblemes of the silent Es in the language is disgraceful and that they should go away. By the fourth yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z and W with V.

During ze fifth yar, ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!