Tag Archives: Queen

Revocation of Your Independence

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To the citizens of the United States of America:

Following your failure to elect anybody, either a half decent candidate or a B-movie actor as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch’s duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

  1. Look up “revoke” in a dictionary
  2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of “God Save the Queen”
  3. Start referring to “soccer” as football
  4. Declare war on Quebec and France
  5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason
  6. Learn to play cricket
  7. Enjoy warm flat beer and British cuisine
  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday
  9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual vacation and observe statutory tea breaks
  10. Driving on the left is now compulsory

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation and… have a jolly nice day and incidentally, Thanksgiving is not to be a legal holiday anymore.

With One Little Wave…

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The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge – thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can’t help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, “Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants.”

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope slaps her.