The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that would be known as “EuroEnglish.”

In the first year, S will replace the soft C. Sertainly this will make the sivil servant jump with joy. The hard C will be dropped in favor of the K. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome PH will be replaced with the F. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 percent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horiblemes of the silent Es in the language is disgraceful and that they should go away. By the fourth yar peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing TH with Z and W with V.

During ze fifth yar, ze unesesary O kan be dropd from vords kontaining OU and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand echozer.