By Jeff Foxworthy
- You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre
- You’ve ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley
- You’ve ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop
- There is a stuffed ‘possum mounted anywhere in your house
- You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper quality entertainment
- Less than half the cars you own run
- The primary color of your car is “Bond-O”
- You have Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap in your bathroom
- Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”
- You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures
- Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people
- The manager of the sewage treatment plant tells you it’s time to wash your hair
- Everybody you meet can tell what kind of underwear you’re wearing
- You have a rag for a gas cap
- You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger side window
- The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights
- You grow corn in your front yard
- Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” trick during Thanksgiving dinner
- All your four letter words are two syllables
- You’ve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts
- Your front porch has kitchen appliances on it
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs
- The “Save Naugahyde” protection group chooses your house as a picket site
- Your mother genuinely admires your girlfriend’s tattoos
- You’ve ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy
- The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne
- You’ve ever been fired from a construction job due to your appearance
- After removing the empty beer cans from you car you find you get 15 more miles to the gallon
- It’s impossible to see the food stains on the fabric of your work uniform
- You need one more hole punched in you card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tattoos
- You don’t need a clean shirt to go to work
- The family business requires a lookout
- You think the “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold
- The cockroaches left you a note saying, “Clean this place up!”
- When you hold a frog, it worries about getting warts
- You paint your car with housepaint
- You think a nutcracker is something you do off the high dive
- You know how to milk a goat
- Your best pick-up line for women is written on your ever-present baseball cap
- You refer to you van as “The Love Machine”
- You have mason jars filled with stuff even the FBI can’t identify
- You see a sign that says “Just Say No to Crack” and it reminds you to pull up your jeans
- There are tobacco stains down the side of your truck
- You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
- Your belt buckle is bigger than your head
- The Orkin man tells you, “Give up; you’ve lost”
- You think paprika is a Third world country
- You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport
- You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it
- Today’s dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight