Category Archives: Dogs

Jesus is Watching You

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, “Jesus is watching you.”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes”, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot, “What’s your name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus.”

How to Photograph a New Puppy

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  • Remove film from box and load camera.
  • Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
  • Remove puppy from trash, brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
  • Choose a suitable background for photo.
  • Mount camera on tripod and focus.
  • Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
  • Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
  • Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
  • Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
  • Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
  • Put cat outside, put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
  • Put magazines back on coffee table.
  • Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
  • Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
  • Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, “No, outside! No, outside!”
  • Clean up mess.
  • Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” soon.

Heel!

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This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks. Well, they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

10 Reasons Why It’s Great to be a Dog

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  1. If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.
  2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
  3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don’t even have to comb your own hair.
  4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
  5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you’re cute.
  6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
  7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
  8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
  9. It doesn’t take much to make you happy. You’re always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
  10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Are You as Good As Your Dog?

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    If…

  • If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
  • If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains.
  • If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles
  • If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it
  • If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time
  • If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your own, something goes wrong
  • If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
  • If you can face the world without lies and deceit
  • If you can conquer tension without medical help
  • If you can relax without liquor
  • If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

…Then, you are almost as good as your dog.

Airedale Terrier Rescue and Adoption Newsletter, March 1998

Dog Pet Peeves

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  • When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
  • Blaming your farts on me…not funny.
  • Yelling at me for barking…I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
  • How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
  • Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who’s walk is this anyway?
  • Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose…stop it.
  • Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet…Why’d you buy carpet?
  • Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet…idiot.
  • How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
  • Dog sweaters? …… Have you noticed the fur?….. Imbecile.
  • Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. (Now you know why we chew your shit up when you’re not home.)
  • When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
  • Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
  • The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

Why Dogs are Better Than Men

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  • Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
  • Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
  • Dogs look at your eyes.
  • Dogs aren’t threatened by a woman with short hair.
  • Dogs feel guilt when they’ve done something wrong.
  • Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence.
  • Dogs understand what “no” means.
  • Dogs don’t brag about whom they have slept with.
  • Dogs do not play games with you — except fetch and they never laugh at how you throw.
  • Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you’re together.
  • Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
  • Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
  • Dogs are nice to your relatives.
  • Dogs don’t mind if you do all the driving.
  • Dogs don’t step on the imaginary brake.
  • Dogs admit it when they’re lost.
  • Dogs don’t weigh down your purse with their stuff.
  • Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
  • Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more than they do.
  • Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
  • You are never suspicious of your dog’s dreams.
  • You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
  • You can train a dog.
  • You can force a dog to take a bath.
  • Middle-aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
  • Gorgeous dogs don’t know they’re gorgeous.
  • The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it. Of course, your dog is vaccinated, so you get to kill the mangy flea-bag that gave it to you.)

Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

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  • Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
  • Cats look silly on a leash.
  • When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
  • Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you’ve ever made since the day you were born.
  • A dog knows when you’re sad. And he’ll try to comfort you. Cats don’t care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
  • Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
  • When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won’t go at all.
  • Dogs will come when you call them. And they’ll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
  • Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they’re in pain.
  • Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Why Dogs Can’t Use Computers

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  • He’s distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
  • SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
  • Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
  • Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
  • Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he’s browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
  • The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
  • He can’t help attacking the screen when he hears “You’ve Got Mail”.
  • It’s too messy to “mark” every Web site he visits.
  • The FETCH command isn’t available on all platforms.
  • He can’t stick his head out of Windows 8.

A Translation Of Yankee Dog To Southern Dawg

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To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference between Yankees and Southerners…

  • (Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
    (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

  • (Yankee) Poodle
    (Southern) Circus Dawg

  • (Yankee) St. Bernard
    (Southern) “Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg”

  • (Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
    (Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

  • (Yankee) Beagle
    (Southern) Rabbit Dawg

  • (Yankee) Rottweiler
    (Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

  • (Yankee) Yellow Lab
    (Southern) Ol’ Yeller Dawg

  • (Yankee) Black Lab
    (Southern) Duck fetchin’ Dawg

  • (Yankee) Greyhound
    (Southern) Greased Lightnin’ Dawg

  • (Yankee) Malinois
    (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

  • (Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
    (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

  • (Yankee) Pekinese
    (Southern) Mop Dawg

  • (Yankee) Chinese Crested
    (Southern) Nekkid Dawg

  • (Yankee) Dachshund
    (Southern) Weenie Dawg

  • (Yankee) Siberian Husky
    (Southern) Sled-Pullin’ Dawg

  • (Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
    (Southern) “What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?”

  • (Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
    (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

  • (Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
    (Southern) Egg-Suckin’ Dawg

  • (Yankee) Any lazy dog
    (Southern) Good fer nothin’ Dawg

  • (Yankee) Any dog that’s dead and buried and gone to the Rainbow Bridge
    (Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had…