Category Archives: Computers

Password Security Guidelines

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For immediate issue:
Password Security Guidelines V2.2b

Due to new security policies, the following guidelines have been issued to assist in choosing new passwords. Please follow them closely.

Passwords must conform to at least 21 of the following attributes.

  1. Minimum length 12 characters.
  2. Not in any dictionary.
  3. No word or phrase bearing any connection to the holder.
  4. Containing no characters in the ASCII character set.
  5. No characters typeable on a Sun type 5 keyboard.
  6. No subset of one character or more must have appeared on Usenet news, rand(3), or the King James bible (version 0.1 alpha)
  7. Must be quantum theoretically secure, i.e. must automatically change if observed (to protect against net sniffing).
  8. Binary representation must not contain any of the sequences 00 01 10 11, commonly known about in hacker circles.
  9. Be provably different from all other passwords on the internet.
  10. Not be representable in any human language or written script.
  11. Color passwords must use a minimum 32 bit palette.
  12. Changed prior to every use.
  13. Resistant to revelation under threat of physical violence.
  14. Contain tissue samples of at least 3 vital organs.
  15. Must contain both upper and lower case characters as well as at least 2 numbers.
  16. Undecodable by virtue of application of 0-way hash function.
  17. Odorless, silent, invisible, tasteless, weightless, shapeless, lacking form and inert.
  18. Contain non-linear random S-boxes (without a backdoor).

Due to the severity of the restrictions, you must change your password every day.

It’s Better to Shop Online When…

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  • No need to saw off that damned house arrest anklet.
  • Wobbly ISP performance not nearly as annoying as wobbly shopping cart wheel.

  • No more blasts of perfume from the sample counter — until iSmell becomes
    available, that is.

  • The terms of your parole prohibit you from coming within 500 yards of a real Victoria’s Secret store.
  • Don’t have to worry about giving in to that Orange Julius temptation.
  • Since you haven’t been able to get through your front door in years, Godiva.com is a Godsend.
  • Within seconds of buying grandma a large-print bible, you’re back to downloading that sweet, sweet porn.
  • Can continue to test your theory you can live without leaving your specially designed “BioChair 2”.
  • Can openly consult the voices in your head when buying that gift for Jodie Foster.
  • Less contact with other humans means fewer on your list to be gunned down at a later date.
  • You can finally get that kidney Uncle Bob always wanted.
  • In a store, you can’t pleasure yourself watching Tommy Lee put it to Pam while your purchase is being wrapped.
  • No insensitive idiots razzing you about that place you tuck your wallet when you shop naked.
  • When your name is Dick Buttlipz, it’s better to not have to hand your Visa to a 16 year old sales clerk.

Online Lies

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  • “I’m in this private room consoling a depressed friend.”
  • “You’re different. I’ve never felt like this about someone I’ve never met before.”
  • “I’m new online and haven’t had time to create a profile, but tell me more about yourself.”
  • “I never do cybersex!! Yet here in this room alone with you, well, I’m getting excited!”
  • “Yes of course I’m female.”
  • “No this is my only screen name. You mean you can have more than one?”

  • “I’m 5’4, blonde hair, blue eyes and guys love my body!”
    Male version is “I’m 6’0, great tan, and buffed from working out!”

  • “I’m not like most of the guys here, I just want to meet so we can just have coffee and get to know each other.”
  • “I don’t care what you look like, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.” (Which is true, except it means “I’m horny and could care less, just type)
  • “Tonight my love, our souls have touched.”

But, I’m Not Addicted!!!

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The longest I’ve been online is 24 hours and part of that time was spent face down on the keyboard, trying to keep a closer eye on what my fingers were doing. That’s not an easy job with your eyes closed! Some things coming up on the screen were really strange! But, I’m not addicted…

I enjoy searching the web. I have stayed up all night more than once following link, after link, after link…. I just want to know how far one will go before it breaks and there’s no where to go but home – It’s not an addiction – it’s a quest for knowledge!

So what if the house work isn’t done — it’s not condemnable — Yet. A clean house is not a priority — at least not until there’s a camera hook up so other cyber folks can see this pig sty.

Exercise? Who needs it? My arm and wrist are almost nonexistent now from exercising my mouse.

Family doesn’t understand that this is my life support system — Not an addiction!

I have a shelf at my desk with snacks so I don’t have to cook; I’ve installed outlets next to the PC for my coffee pot, and my Coke’s remain at my side in a cooler box… need that caffeine!

I replaced my desk chair with a recliner. I NEED one with a concealed potty chair. It would help if it also had a spot to keep all my PC Novice magazines.

The family’s reaction to having my head shaved to allow more time for the net was totally unacceptable. No matter what they say, I am NOT border-line nutsville!

And now they claim to be concerned about my eyesight!

Hey, wouldn’t you rather look at a monitor than a filthy house?!?!

Computerized Newsletter

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They’re know miss steaks in this newsletter cause we used special soft wear witch cheques you’re spelling. It is mower or lass a weigh to verify. How ever is can knot correct arrows in punctuation ore usage: an it will not fined words witch are miss used butt spelled rite. Four example; a paragraph could have mini flaws but wood bee past by the spell checker. And it wont catch the sentence fragment which you. Their fore, the massage is that proofreading is knot eliminated, it is still berry much reek wired.

You Might Be a Network Engineer if…

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  • At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
  • Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
  • Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
  • In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
  • The Salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
  • You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
  • You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
  • You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
  • You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
  • You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
  • You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
  • You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
  • You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
  • You know what http:// stands for.
  • You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
  • You see a good design and still have to change it.
  • You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
  • You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
  • You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
  • You window shop at Radio Shack.
  • You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
  • Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
  • Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
  • You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
  • You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

You Know It’s the Network Age When…

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  • You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
  • You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”
  • You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
  • You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  • You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
  • Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
  • You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
  • You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
  • Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
  • You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains echinacea.
  • You check your blow-dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.
  • Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
  • You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
  • You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
  • The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
  • Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
  • Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
  • You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
  • Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
  • Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it notes.
  • You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
  • You’re reading this.
  • Even worse; you’re going to forward it to someone else.

Netscape Wranger Song

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Sung to the Tune of Rawhide

Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of foreboding, Reload!
The Applet says it’s running,
And that big gray block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind

Netscape crash, Boot ’em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload!

Tighten, tweaking’, smoothen,
They say the codes improvin’,
So how come I’m still usin’ “reload”?
I’m tired of all this waitin’,
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,
The applet says it’s running,
And gray block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,

(Midi solo)

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep,

Netscape crash, Boot ’em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload! Reload!

Nasty New Computer Viruses

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  • “Survivor Virus”
    Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

  • Elian Virus
    You can’t decide what to do with it, until finally the Janet Reno Virus kicks in your door and deletes it.

  • Microsoft Virus
    Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 2000.”

  • Tiger Woods Virus
    Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

  • Wonderbra Virus
    Results in overflow stack.

  • O.J. Virus
    Every time you try to search for a file, it runs “Pro Golf Tour 2015” instead.

  • Britney Spears Virus
    Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

  • John Rocker Virus
    Re-categorizes everything on your computer into a few simple folders that it can understand.

  • Boulder Police Virus

    Can’t even *find* your computer.

  • Obama Virus
    Develops highly time-consuming ways to spend every cent possible to achieve nothing. Leaves you bankrupt for generations.

Mouse Balls as FRUs

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This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us guys find it rather funny.

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

To re-order, specify one of the following:
    P/N 33F8462 – Domestic Mouse Balls
    P/N 33F8461 – Foreign Mouse Balls